Confessions of a Twenty-Something Catholic Worker

It's Been A Glorious Six Months

2010-08-18T14:29:00.000-05:00

Welcome back. As my title says, "It's been a glorious six months." It really has. A lot has changed:

1. I'm no longer living at the Catholic Worker. However, that can't stop me from living like a Catholic Worker. I perhaps can't use the name anymore, but I've still got the love.

2. I got a(n almost) full-time job. I'm teaching Spanish at two of Des Moines' many Catholic elementary schools, St. Pius X and St. Augustin.

3. I moved to a lovely little home in Beaverdale with three friends of mine. I love the house, I love the friends, I miss the people at the Worker.

And yet, a lot stays the same:

1. I'm still involved at the Catholic Worker. When I can (sometimes force myself to) get up in time for a 7:00 am meeting, I attend one once a week at the DMCW, still helping create the type of community we've always envisioned there. I no longer get to be a part of the day-to-day operations, but my heart is still in it, and I still miss the people, community members and guests alike.

2. I'm still involved with the Catholic Church, although, like always, I'm still not Catholic.

3. I'm still dating the same person :)

4. I still don't know what I want to do with my life.What I'm doing right now is really good for me. I like the work, I love the other staff I work with, the location is great, I'm using the degree I never thought I'd use, and I'm still wishing I could use my math more than I do.

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Now, for the real purpose of this entry. As I was driving to work (which I wish I wouldn't have, because I live very, very close and it would be almost as fast to bike as to drive), I noticed this electronic bulletin board near the mall, that flashes various photos of nature scenes on it. It will go from a beautiful sunset on a lake, to a zoomed in photo of a flower, to a picture of a dog and a cat snuggling.

What?! Mind you, there's nothing wrong with these photos. But here's the thing--there's no brand name along with them. Clear Channel does have their name on the bottom of the billboard, though. Do they own the billboard, or are they trying to advertise nature to us? Or both? What's the point?

What have we come to, that we have to put pictures of nature up on billboards so we can experience it?

Why don't they put up pictures of things people seem to want? Like money, or big cars, or something like that?

You know why? That stresses people out.

Having a picture of people stuck in traffic or cajoling for some more dough would only make people more angry that their stoplight is taking forever to turn green. Nature scenes are soothing, relaxing, peaceful.

Perhaps we should just get out of the traffic and go sit in nature. Real nature.

Just an idea.

Half-Time

2010-02-09T08:51:00.000-06:00

I'm really good at saying "no." I'm good at saying no to things I have to do, like work, or commitments.

But I'm really bad at saying "no" when people I have relationships with want or need my time.

During my time here at the Worker, I've managed to pull myself in many opposing directions. I spend time here, I spend time working with homeless youth, I substitute teach, I tutor, I have many social relationships, and I spend time working out and enjoying my time alone.

This has successfully enabled me to avoid committing to any one thing by claiming (in my head, of course) "Well, if this were my full-time job, of course I'd be willing to do that," or "If this were my full-time gig, I'd think about it more and be more dedicated to it."

That's bullshit.

Just because I have three part-time jobs doesn't mean I shouldn't treat them all like full-time jobs. They're worthy of my attention, obviously, and I'm overly conscious how very little I keep my head "in the game" on a daily basis. I let those people who are required to be more dedicated to the job (because they're full-time...because that's all that matters) dictate what goes on and how the job is done. I let them make the decisions, and I make them do all the work.

Am I really that afraid of commitment?

If I'm able to "get by" with the littlest amount of work possible, why try any harder?

I'm pretty sure I've expressed this sentiment before. Isn't this ridiculous that I don't even learn from my own mistakes? I keep repeating them over and over again.

Get your head in the game!

Save 10%

2010-02-09T08:41:00.000-06:00

At church this week the sermon was in regards to finances. Everyone always loves the "tithe" talk, right?

This one wasn't that bad, to be honest. They really were strong in saying that if you don't feel like giving, and if your giving isn't out of love and charity and a place of joy, you shouldn't give. I'd agree with that. God wants a cheerful giver, right?

The sermon did, however, raise some questions for me. The main one was in regards to their main argument. Their main argument was that you should "Give 10%, Save 10%, and Live on 80%." They said it creates freedom. From stresses, from money troubles, from worries.

Sounds great, but is it really what we should be doing?

It's a nice way to lay out your life, but doesn't that take away the trust factor that we should all have for God? Shouldn't we be trusting Him to provide for us, and, consequently, not be hoarding away money for ourselves?

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not good at this. I have money in the bank, and it sure as hell makes me feel safe. And I'm not willing to trust God on this--not yet at least.

Plus, the people that we serve here at the Worker, are just as on-the-edge as I think the Christian should be. They don't know where their money's coming from...they just trust that it will be there, and God, or someone, will provide for them. And someone always does--sometimes it's God, and sometimes it's God through someone else, but what they need, at that moment, is always provided.

I'd say that would lead to freedom much more than saving 10%.

Community

2010-02-01T20:30:00.000-06:00

The intentional community spirit has been flowing like crazy around here. Interpersonal tensions and differing views of what community should look like seem to monopolize our time.

We've taken a few weeks off from a lot of work outside of the Des Moines Catholic Worker, and the reasons for that are apparent. I think it's obvious that a community of people that can't create justice internally cannot possibly work towards justice externally. A divided house cannot stand...isn't that the quote?Plus, logistically, it's hard to plan any actions or events for the outside community when we can't communicate effectively inside the community.

We're trying to make sure that all voices get heard and that everyone feels respected, loved, needed, and important. It's much more difficult to do than it looks, because personality conflicts and different opinions are rampant. However, this is God's work, and this is what we're working towards.

I think. I think this is God's work. He wants us to live together in community, but I'm not yet convinced that that form of "community" isn't simply sharing our lives together, and not really getting into the nitty gritty of one another's lives.

Do you know what I mean? An example--I feel hurt because of a broken relationship with a friend outside of the community. Is that something that my community should be obligated to help me work through...well, I suppose obligated is a bad word, because, one would hope, living in community we would desire to help one another through those things, simply because we care about one another.That's the form of justice and caring I think God ordains.

The easiest type of community, for sure, is one where you just use the same space and are just roommates. I don't think we're going for that...I think we're going for something deeper here.

I'm in a small group through my church, and we're reading "Life Together" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. This is perfect timing for something like this, because it's so very relevant to my life right now. I'd just like to share with you a few quotes from it:

"Christianity means community through Jesus Christ and in Jesus Christ. No Christian community is more or less than this. Whether it be a brief, single encounter or the daily fellowship of years, Christian community is only this. We belong to one another only through and in Jesus Christ."

I'd never really thought of this place being based in Jesus. I'm not sure that it is, nor that we would consider ourselves a "Christian" community, because it's certainly not a pre-requisite to live here. However, basing ourselves in something concrete seems to be key.

I found this interesting: "A human wish dream for community will shatter it." Bonhoeffer seems to believe that a human vision for community is doomed to failure, because community based in Christ must be ordained, and to a certain extent, facilitated, by God. God has a vision for it, and until we let go of what we desire and let God turn it into what it could be, it won't be what He wants.

However, this makes me question why God gave us the brains and emotions that He did. If we aren't supposed to use our heads to create something beautiful for ourselves, why were we given them?

Last quote: "If we do not give thanks daily for the Christian fellowship in which we have been placed, even when there is no great experience, no discoverable riches, but much weakness, small faith, and difficulty; if on the contrary, we only keep complaining to God that everything is so paltry and petty, so far from what we expected, then we hinder God from letting our fellowship grow according to the measure and riches which are there for us all in Jesus Christ."

This I for sure do not do. I'm sooooo bad at praying and thanking God for the wonderful, amazing, and loving people that I'm blessed to live with every day. It's so easy to forget your blessings, and to forget that you could be living alone in a slum or a suburb, working a 9-5 dead end job and hating your life, but you were blessed enough to meet the most passionate and amazing people in Des Moines, who were willing to let you move into their humble abode in the heart of Des Moines and do the work your heart is called to.

What the hell. Isn't God amazing?

So, I'm going to try to pray about this a bit more. It's crazy, I know, but things always make more sense when I pray about them, and when I stop trying to force something and let God tell me how it is.

All I know is that this is the work of God, and this is what we're called to do, and He never said it'd be easy.

Time

2010-02-01T20:06:00.000-06:00

Do you remember way back when, when I was a new fish at this Des Moines Catholic Worker, and I expressed my positive fear of being alone?

Well, the tables have turned quite a bit, and now I desire, I long for, that alone time. I've found myself busy from dawn until dusk, and it's not that I'm busy doing a lot of things, I'm just spending time with a lot of people--my community members, my friends outside of the house, and my boyfriend.

Living in community is wonderful, except for the sheer fact that it is impossible to have your own time. There's always someone home, which 90% of the time is a blessing, but the other 10% of the time is a curse. I've found myself almost lying to people to get my own time. I feel like I have to be rude, and I also feel sort of bad, because during those times when I'm alone, nurturing my own soul, I could be serving God's people, using the head, hands, and feet that the Lord has given me.

Dorothy Day even wrote about this in "Loaves and Fishes": "But daily, hourly, to give up our own possessions and especially to subordinate our own impulses and wishes to others--these are hard, hard things; and I don't think they ever get any easier. You can strip yourself, you can be stripped, but still you will reach out like an octopus to seek your own comfort, your untroubled time, your ease, your refreshment. It may mean books or music--the gratification of the inner sense--or it may mean food and drink, coffee and cigarettes. The one kind of giving up is no easier than the other." (p. 84)

So my question is--is it wrong to desire your own time? Jesus got time alone to pray, and taking a Sabbath is even one of the commandments. But I suppose if I'm just desiring my own time because it's less stressful, maybe that's not the best.

I did, however, have a wonderful day today. I slept in, then spent just an hour reading and writing at my boyfriend's house, while he was at work. It was great because I was alone and wouldn't be bothered. Then I was happy to come home and spend the rest of the day with my housemates, as well as attempting to be productive and writing a few back-logged blogs that I've needed to do!

Living in community is great, but it's hard at the same time. See my upcoming blog about it...

And It's Been a Year

2010-01-13T14:42:00.000-06:00

This is a little late, but I wanted to somehow commemorate my one-year anniversary of moving into the Worker.

January 5, 2009 to January 5, 2010.

One year.

I feel as though I've grown immensely over the past year:

I've learned the value of getting to know people, of listening to people, and of learning from people.

I've learned that I don't know anything, but the people around me have wisdom, and I should listen to it.

I've learned some of the dynamics of living in community, but that this will definitely be a life-long journey.

I've improved my organizational, administrative, and work-related skills. This carries very little weight, but it's still of some value.

I'm still working on the ability to say no, and realizing the necessity of time alone, with myself and with God.

I'm still wrapping my head around "justice," and what it means to live a nonviolent, just life every day.

I've matured in my relationships with people, and have become less afraid to go deeper than surface level. This is, also, still a work in progress.

I've learned the power of prayer, and am still continuing to learn that I need to pray more. And more. And more. And not only just talk during my prayers, but spend even more time simply listening.

I've learned that I love it here, and I have been so very blessed by each and every person that I come in contact with.

The world is beautiful.

So Do You REALLY Want to Help?

2010-01-13T14:33:00.000-06:00

I help out quite a bit with a homeless transportation ministry at my church. I go to a small satellite branch of a large, wealthy church in the suburbs. This ministry is a join operation between the two branches, and I'm the liaison on the small, city church side. While I definitely see the value in providing transportation to church for those who need it, I see it more as a thing the upper-middle class people do to make themselves feel better. I don't think the homeless should be singled out, nor do I think we should create any big deal about inviting them to our church. We shouldn't be patting ourselves on the back for this...I think it's the Kingdom in action, and it should be happening like this every day.

Regardless of these complaints, it's a good thing that we do, and I hope it is achieving some sort of good. I still sort of struggle to see what good it really is, aside from making us feel better (because, let's face it, most of these homeless folks already knew Jesus, so we aren't doing anything except for introducing them to other people who believe, which is, in itself, a valuable thing...), but that's beside the point. I was chatting on Sunday with the coordinator of the program from the large, suburban church side. She was mentioning that she hopes that a guy, who is very supportive of the homeless work they do, as well as being a big financial contributor, comes by to see what's going on. "He really has a heart for helping with this type of ministry. He's very supportive of it." So she wanted him to come and see what's happening at our church...the fellowship with the homeless, etc.

That's all fine and good, but I couldn't help but think, "Do you really want to help? You have a lot of money, and likely a lot of power. Do something different. Do something radical. Do something that creates systemic change."

Donating a lot of money is all fine and good, but if you don't change your lifestyle, are you really dedicated to that cause? Being a Christian calls for total life change, and I think it's probably very difficult to follow Jesus the way the disciples did, while still living in a tan house with a two-car garage on a cul de sac. Just a thought.

So, what frustrated me, is that this guy has a lot of ability to create much more change than he is currently. He thinks that donating thousands of dollars will help, which is does, but maybe not-earning that much money is the answer. I don't know.

All I do know is that money is not the answer.

Action is.

It's Been a While

2009-12-29T19:48:00.000-06:00

This is going to be a short blog, with a lot of information. I'm going to be honest, I don't really feel like writing this right now. I haven't written in quite a while, and it's not because I'm not learning things. The main thing I've learned is that I need to pay attention to what is going on around me, with my community members, society, and those I love.

Wake up! That's what Advent taught me.

And this is going to be a constant struggle.

Ok, three things:

1. I was featured in the Simpson Alumni magazine for my work here at the Worker. At the time, I'll admit, I sorta wanted to shove in a couple of people's faces the fact that I'm not a loser and that I can achieve stuff, so I agreed to the article, with hopes that they'd get jealous.

But always in the back of my head, I knew that was a shitty reason for doing something; luckily, I still had this slight hope that the article would feature more what we do and less what I do, because this place is not about me...it's an entity all it's own. The Catholic Worker community--working for peace, justice, and an ease to the pain in the world around us.

Unfortunately, the article turned out exactly like I'd wanted it to originally...all about me. Oh, well. I wish it had talked more about the awesome stuff that takes place here, but Simpson did what Simpson wanted to do. At least the title of the article was "Catholic Worker House," and not "Tracy Robson Works with the Poor," or some bs like that.

2. This was my first Christmas away from home, meaning away from my parents' home. I was planning on going home Christmas Eve, but because of bad weather I had to stay here. "Had to" makes it sound like I was forced to. To be honest, I was so glad to stay. I had a wonderful Christmas, because I was allowed the time to think about my life, get away from my family for a little while, and realize more and more who I am. Plus, my second family was here--my Catholic Worker family, and that made all the difference. I wasn't alone. I was with the people I'd most like to be with, and should be with, on that day. The people I love the most in all of Des Moines, even though I sometimes really suck at showing it.

3. I'm busy. I'm too busy. I don't complain about being busy, because I don't feel like I'm busy. However, I see how busy I am when I realize that I don't have time to do anything to the full. This blog is one example. I'm doing it half-heartedly, like an assignment that needs to be completed. What's with that?

I feel like a hummingbird--always flitting around, distracted, and constantly trying to figure out where I am and what I was doing. I can't commit to anything, except for my social life, and I piss myself off because of that.

It's not necessarily a conscious choice, let me assure you. I see a lot of people/places in a lot of need, and I know that I'm capable of fulfilling those needs. However, I can't fulfill all of them. I can't be everything to everyone. You try to do that, and I think you end up being nothing to no one.

And that's a shitty place to be. Because at the end of the night, no one needs you and everyone realizes that you're just flaky, irresponsible, and unreliable.

I know I'm not there yet, but I'm afraid of getting there if I don't focus a bit.

This is going to be a lot of work.

Orock Bahama

2009-12-18T06:18:00.000-06:00

We had a nice discussion at our last community meeting about whether Obama really is "better" than our past president, the one and only George W. Bush. I'll admit that I did vote for Obama. It was before I moved in here, I was still a college student, and I held an ideal that "anything Democrat would have to be better than this idiot we have now." I think I may still have hope for democracy, so I might still hold to that hope...

However, we have to think about the current state of the nation. At the same time that he wins the Nobel Peace Prize, he sends thousands of more troops into Afghanistan. Is that called peace? He ran for a universal, single-payer system. Now he seems to be promoting whatever legislation will make the biggest profit for big insurance. He finally, almost a year later, found a place to move the Guantánamo detainees to, but that doesn't mean they're going free. They're still going to be held without charge or trial. We might as well call Illinois Guantánamo North. And let's not even get into a discussion about Bagram Air Base. What the hell is going on over there?

One of the reasons I was supportive of John Edwards during the campaign season, and later Obama, was because of their acknowledgment that our health care system is broken, and we need systemic, real change. "Change." That was Obama's word, wasn't it? He ran on that word, and got elected on that word. Have we seen any real change, though?

If you ask me now, I'd say that Obama is worse than Bush, and here's why: Everyone who had any presence of mind or sense of dignity for our nation knew that Bush was bad. And everyone knew that he wasn't really in charge, and that his advisors and Cheney were telling him what to do. Let's be honest, Bush was dumb, and we all knew it.

Obama, however, is smart. I saw him speak in 2006 at the Harkin Steak Fry in Indianola, Iowa, back when hardly anyone knew who he was. I liked him, although I always got this sense that he talked a lot, but said very little. Regardless of that, he has the charisma a president needs, and seems trustworthy, just like a president should be.

The real problem with Obama, though, is that he looks good. His election has created complacency amongst the democrats who fought so hard for "change" during the Bush era. Now that Obama is in office and we have a democratic majority in the Senate and House, they are convinced that whatever legislation gets passed will be in their favor and will be what Obama promised over a year ago. They've stopped looking at what he's actually doing, because they're too entranced by the nice-looking young guy with the bright white smile and firm handshake. He's shiny and new, and he looks nice. He's gotta be a good president then, right?

This is false. That word change? It didn't refer to what he'd do to the country. It referred to what the country would do to him.

It is my personal belief that in the short time that Obama has been in office, his high hopes for actually changing the state of our nation, of which I believe he legitimately did want to do and still does want to do, have been smashed by the people really in control of this nation. Once Obama got into office, he realized that "real change" is impossible because of the stranglehold that capitalism, big insurance, and big oil have on our politics and policies. Once he gained more information, he realized that the fight is over already--and that there never really was a fight. And that fighting, or telling what you've come to learn, would be deadly.

Obama knows. That's why he always looks so tired and stressed out. He knows the real truth of what's going on in our Oval Office, and he knows that he's powerless to change it, no matter how hard he tries. So, he succumbs to the pressures of money and influence, and tries to use his charisma to convince us that what little things he can change are good.

They're not. We deserve better, and everyone knows it.

For more info, check out this article:

http://www.informationclearinghouse.info/article24178.htm

Tracy's Current Frustrations

2009-12-08T08:39:00.000-06:00

I taught at Hoover High School in 9th grade math yesterday. I'd love to be a teacher someday, simply because I know the value that my teachers had in my life, and I'd really like to create a change that way. I find it much easier to convince a captive audience in my classroom of my viewpoints, as opposed to trying to convince a city-full on a street corner.

That said, I'm frustrated with the public education system. These students don't want to learn. They can't even be contained. They are disrespectful, complain about having to do anything, and can't be quiet for even a few moments. This is what years and years of poor teachers and, likely, limited parental involvement has done to them. By the time I get them at the high school level, they're pretty much lost. Or are they? I'd like to think that they aren't.

I just find that my time in the classroom is spent more on keeping the behavior at a decent level, I'm not really convinced that any learning actually takes place. And maybe that's my own shortfalls with classroom management, but I also find that the teachers I substitute teach for are frazzled. They're frustrated with their inability to teach more. They're overwhelmed by the demands of the administration and their lack of getting through to the students. They don't have time to do anything outside of class or promote any other "real-world" experiences for their kids because they can't even control what goes on in the classroom.

Maybe our education system needs a revamping. A radical revamping. Or maybe I just shouldn't become a teacher. All I know is that I shouldn't have to be apologizing to my students about how much work I'm having them do. I shouldn't have to bargain, "If you just do this worksheet, I'll let you text at the end of the period." However, I find myself doing that anyway.

Students should be excited to learn. They should want to learn. They should realize that it's not just about reaching someone else's goal for themselves, but about setting their own. It's not even about a grade or a benchmark--it's about creating connections and making sense of the world around them.

No wonder I can't teach that part of it right now--I'm just starting to learn that on my own, too. I'm still sort of stuck in the "benchmarks" lifestyle, meaning I do well at achieving others' goals for myself, but am dismal at setting my own goals or realizing the importance of doing more work than is required. I still live my life like I'm in school, so how in the world should I expect my students to do any differently?

I imagine I, someday, will be a teacher. Hopefully by then I'll have learned how to prevent this mentality in myself and others, and maybe I can create some motivation, initiative, and love of learning in my future students.

Update

2009-12-05T18:19:00.000-06:00

This is going to be a brief update on my goal to wake up at or before 7 each morning for a week. Look at me--I talk about it like it's tough.

It's been really good. I finally became aware that the hours between 7 and 8 can be very productive and contemplative; they can be good times to spend with God, getting yourself centered for the day. And there really is benefit to waking up before you have to do something. Make yourself do something productive. Practice guitar. Pray. Listen to NPR. Do your daily Sudoku puzzle (which, in my mind, equates to preventing dementia...this is how I justify it).

So, unfortunately, I think I'm going to have to continue doing it. I just won't get to sleep in anymore, but, hey, I'm 24...maybe I should grow up.

It Would Be So Easy

2009-12-02T16:30:00.001-06:00

First December post! Yay! I hate a ton of posts in October and November. Let's see if we can keep the momentum.

So, I was in West Des Moines today for a meeting. I hate going out there. It doesn't take very long, but it's quite a distance out there, and I had a meeting at the "main campus" of my church, which sort of sickens me. This church is huge...I'm not kidding. It's, like, 7000 members, or something utterly ridiculous like that. I love the mission of the church and what they do, I just don't really like how they do it, and the fact that they're a huge church waaaay out in West Des Moines, which is pretty inaccessible for a lot of people who would benefit from what they do.

Plus, people out there spend a lot of energy on serving one another. There's a guy who's in charge of food service people, who coordinate cooks and volunteers, who then serve omelettes to people on Sunday mornings before worship. There's so much work that goes into that, sometimes I question if the result is worth the effort. That's something I question a lot--I want my time spent to be well-spent, and I want to see a result for my efforts. Is that bad?

Secondly, there's so much energy spent on serving the poor and homeless population in Des Moines. Even though I don't know an effective avenue to do this, I do know that systemic change is more what we need. Can you imagine what would happen if those thousands of people focused their work on changing the things oppressing people, instead of lessening the oppression? We need to change the system, not just put a band-aid on it. I think everyone knows that...but how do we do it? It's so big. And it functions on its own. And it's scary.

Regardless, after this meeting, I realized this slight, unacknowledged feeling in my heart, way in the back. It tried to tempt me. It said "Tracy--it would be so easy to just give up your passions, give up your hardships, and just live for yourself out here. You wouldn't have to deal with other people, you wouldn't have to worry about feeling inadequate, and you could just let others dictate your job and life, and enjoy it while it lasts."

What a temptations. Sometimes I wonder if life is worth the struggle.

However, I know that a life like that would feel so empty and dead. I already know that, but doesn't the easy way just look better sometime?

I walked around the East Village today, an artsy area of local shops in Des Moines. I felt very inspired there. I like being around artsy people, but I also feel very inferior to them, because I don't feel super artsy on my own. I'd like to be brave enough and self-assured enough to do my own artwork, open my own shop, and sell it. I just have no idea what that artwork would be. And I just feel very overwhelmed in life. There's so much going on--how do you focus your attention? Too much coffee is making it hard to direct myself right now...

I'd really like to direct myself in one avenue...you know, really focus my attention. How? I need to get all the extra stuff out of the way. What's extra stuff? No idea. I don't know how I want to focus, so I don't know what to get rid of. Plus, I enjoy my life. I don't feel like it's super...effective...or meaningful, but I do enjoy it. So what's the point? How do I improve? I know I could do better. I know I could create more change than I have and than I am. I just want to do it on my own, without someone telling me how...but I'm sort of intimidated on my own. So, what do I do? I'm fighting against myself.

Two Totally Unrelated Things

2009-11-28T17:16:00.000-06:00

Heyo.

Happy balmy late-November day! It was glorious out today. I biked and walked and read outside, and by the time I got home my feet were cold. Or maybe I was just nervous...kidding.

I'd like to think that I live my life a little different from some other people that I know. However, this morning I totally went against that. I drove a couple of blocks to go get coffee. That's not counter-cultural. That's consumerist. Give me a break.

So, I rode my bike to work. That sorta made up for it, right?

I just hate it when I realize that my lifestyle goes against my values. And I hate it when I call other people out for the exact thing that I do later. I'm such a hypocrite sometimes.

Today we did our produce giveaway. We have a great guy who lives in West Des Moines who comes and helps us every week. He rode the bus here, and then we gave him a ride home. I like giving him a ride home, because it's nice to do that for someone. However, if that person can ride the bus and save resources, is it worth it to not give him a ride home? I know it's beneficial to give him a ride because he'd enjoy it or because we're nice, but I guess I'd rather have him ride on a bus that's already going out that way, instead of us making an extra trip. Right? Conserving resources, right? And that's not me being lazy talking--that's just me questioning how I want to live my life.

Thing number two: I find myself getting up only a few minutes before I have to be somewhere in the morning. For example--I have to teach school at 7:30, I get up at 6:45. I have a meeting at 10, I get up at 9:30. That makes it so my day doesn't really start until someone else dictates it to. So, in order to become more in control of my own life, I'm going to try getting up at the same time everyday this week, regardless of what I have going on. And it's going to be kinda early...at least for me. Wish me luck.

That's all I have. Sorry about how poorly written this was. I'm not feeling too into it right now. It'll improve...I promise.

Current Thoughts

2009-11-23T23:45:00.000-06:00

Gosh, the month of November has been slow for blog posts. Sorry about that. I'm not sure what the hold-up has been. Maybe it's the 50-degree weather that I spend as much time as possible in before it snows. Or maybe I've just been going through the motions lately. Not sure. Regardless, I finally have some thoughts for you.

I've been thinking a lot lately about community; probably a good thing since I live here. Intentional community is a struggle to live out, but I think the more difficult thing is trying to explain it to an outside who's never experienced it.

Example 1: I got offered some tickets to a Green Bay Packers game back in October. Note: The Packers are my favorite team, and the tickets were offered by a fellow Catholic Worker at the Dubuque New Hope Farm. The game was supposed to be this weekend. I eventually had to turn the tickets down because the court trial for our July Wellmark Blue Cross Blue Shield action was this past week. Consequently, back in October we weren't sure what would really be going on this weekend.

I'd tried to convince my community members to let me be gone for 48 hours, and they were all "Ok" with it, but not super on board. It felt sort of like Sunday basketball practice for the high school team: not "required," but if you aren't there, you probably won't play at Tuesday's game. You know--while my presence wasn't necessarily needed those 48 hours, it was more of a "how committed are you to this whole place" thing. And I knew, immediately after I'd been offered the tickets, that I shouldn't go. It's a flaky, irresponsible thing for me to do. But, I'm a human, and I really, really wanted to go.

So, after I turned the tickets down I told my mom that I'd done so. She was really disappointed, because she knew I really wanted to go, and, because she's a great mom, really wanted me to be able to go. I told her that it had turned into a much bigger thing than simply a football game--it felt, at least to me, like a judgment on my commitment to the movement as a whole.

Her response? "Well, if that's what it's turned into, is this really something you want to be that committed to? That you can't go to a once-in-a-lifetime professional football game?" She raised a good point. People outside of this place don't understand why this would even be an issue. To be honest, some people outside of this community, but still in the Catholic Worker movement, couldn't understand why it was such a big deal.

So, Question #1: How committed should one be? Yes, this is my life, but what sacrifices do I have to make for it? Should I be making sacrifices at all? What's a sacrifice? Should I feel obligations or coercions, or be made to feel like I'm a lousy community member, because I can't commit my entire life to this, and I can't deny that I want to be a normal citizen and go to a football game instead of mop the floor?

Thankfully, I was able to go to the game, so any hard feelings that I had towards my community members have been forgiven. I still don't know what the right answer is. I don't know how to focus my life around this and still have a life outside of this. Or, maybe I shouldn't have a life outside of this.

That brings me to the second half of my blog. Being it that I went to school around Des Moines and lived very close to here before I moved in, I have a lot of friends outside of this house. I do a lot of socializing, I'll admit it. I like my friends, they're an important part of my life, and I classify at least some of my socializing as Catholic Worker work, because it in itself is a ministry.

However, I have noticed at times that my social life does get in the way of my life here. And I know that I should, and most of the times do, choose this life over being with my friends. Luckily, usually I'm able to do both, because this house offers me a lot of leverage to live my own life, thankfully. However, this brings me back to my first question: should I have to choose one over the other? And if I do have to choose, how do I choose? What do I want to be committed to?

The professional world says to be committed to your work above your relationships. I'm not entirely convinced that's right.

The beautiful thing is that the Catholic Worker life is work and relationships, so generally there wouldn't be that tension. I, however, still have the tension because I have a lot of relationships outside of here, in addition to my relationships within this community.

It's a hard balancing act that I've found myself in. It makes it difficult for me to focus on this life. If I were to move to a CW farm or a different house, I'd be more committed to it because I wouldn't have other things outside of there pulling me away.

Don't get me wrong--I love my life. But I also know that, at least for a while, I'd like to live a somewhat "isolated" life, in community with others doing the work of the Lord. And by "isolated" I mean isolated from social obligations outside of my community. Focus on my work. Focus on my internal relationships. Focus on the Lord.

:::focus.

Maybe It's OK

2009-11-14T17:39:00.000-06:00

I love running. I was able to go on this two-hour-long jog today, in the semi-cold, overcast, mid-November day. Lovely. Lovely has been the word of the week, too. I can't stop saying it...

Anyway, during this jog I met two guys named Albert. Well, Albert and Alberto. Both street guys. Both recognized me from somewhere (the Worker), and I had nice little chats with each of them. One of them comes into the house, but also volunteers mopping floors down at 701 Grand, my other job. The other one was walking and picking up cans along the bike trail I jogged on. I immediately realized how odd it probably looked to the other joggers and bikers that I was just chatting it up with this stereotypically-homeless-looking man (nevermind if he actually was homeless).

As I left that final conversation, I got to thinking about how to "fix" this society we live in. IHYC operates under the mentality that we should help people pick their lives back up, fix them, and help them re-enter into society as functioning members. DMCW operates under the mentality of creating a community within the context that you're in, and creating change on a very personal, very non-institutionalized scale.

Which is better? Which is...right?

Do you think it's possible that the life of a homeless person who is surrounded by friends is better, and I'm talking quality of life, not standard of living, than the life of a person who lives alone in a comfortable house in the suburbs? It's less about where you live and what you do, and more about who you're with and the purpose behind what you're doing.

Now, I'm not saying that we shouldn't help people achieve the goals they'd like to achieve. That's admirable, and we should do that. But I'm also saying that I don't think that life on the "underside" of society is really, necessarily, the thing we should be trying to fix. Why not help make life liveable and happy, wherever you are? And life with others is much, much better than life by yourself.

I think that's what we do. We make life bearable...and sometimes that's all you can do. And I hope today, somehow, I may have made life a little easier to live for a guy named Albert(o).

What Was I Thinking?

2009-11-11T09:18:00.000-06:00

Every Tuesday we have a health care vigil in front of Wellmark Blue Cross Blue Shield. We, as DM Catholic Workers, believe that health care is a human right. Therefore, people, or corporations, that stand in the way of that human right, are doing an injustice. For example, Wellmark. So, we stand out front with a sign, and we hand out fliers on the street corners and in the skywalks.

Whenever I'm in the skywalks, I get so many people that glance at me, then immediately get a stern look on their faces and tighten up their lips. "No thank you," they quickly say, then whisk past me without looking at me again. I can understand why Wellmark employees would do this to us--we sort of are attacking their corporation, and indirectly attacking their jobs. I think we should be aware of the impact our jobs have on society, but that's for another blog. For this one, let's just assume that Americans love their jobs and take great personal pride in them.

Regardless, I doubt that everyone who walks past me and tightens up is a Wellmark employee. I think many of these people live cushy lives and don't want to be bothered.

Well, what the hell?

Is it that we, as activists, just think a whole lot more about the world around us? I'd really like to know what it's like to live as another person for a little while--to see inside their heads, and to see what reality looks like from their point of view.

I don't think that I reflect on and engage with my world as much as I could, but look at where I've ended up. Does that mean that people that don't seem to "get it" as much as I do, (and I'm not saying that I totally "get it," but I'd like to think I at least "get" a few things...like that there are homeless people and that we shouldn't be at war...) engage even less with their world than I do? Oh man, I hope not.

I hope I engage in the world the least of anyone because I know that there is more richness, more love, more life to be, had than I have. There's more to experience, and I desire that everyone else would experience that, also. I desire that I would experience it.

So do you think that you can experience all of the life that God has for you, and all of the life that God has created specifically for you, by living in your hometown your whole life? By getting married at age 20 and never traveling the world? By living on the streets selling drugs your whole life?

What does the Lord desire of us? Anything? Or does He just hope for us? He needs nothing from us, and yet wants us to experience what He's created...right?

How do we do that? Does it require thinking to a deeper level than I normally do? Does it require engaging more than I tend to engage?

Just a few thoughts for your Wednesday morning. I'd intended on teaching school today, but it was my prayer last night that I wouldn't get a job if God wanted me to take an intentional Sabbath today. I didn't get a job...and I checked online every 10 minutes for an hour. No luck. This is what the Lord requires from me today--a day spent with Him, learning from Him, listening to Him, and speaking with Him.

A Few Days Late.

2009-11-09T11:05:00.001-06:00

This is something I was thinking about a few days ago, but then I never got around to writing it, so here goes.

Sometimes I really hate myself. Why are we, as American citizens, so much more dedicated to something that we get paid for? Instead of being dedicated to something much more worthy?

Exhibit A: I find myself, while working at the house, going upstairs sometimes to escape from what's going on downstairs for a minute. You know, just taking a little longer in the bathroom than I would need to. If this were a job that paid, though, would I do that? Maybe. But I'd probably feel worse about it. I'd probably rush a little more to get back to the counter, or wherever I was working.

Why is that? Am I afraid of getting fired at that other job? Why is it that money is what motivates me, not valuable purpose?

Now, let me just say that I don't always do this, and it's not like I think this is a totally worthless thing to be doing. I just notice myself dedicating less energy to this than I'd like to. And why? I'm getting way more out of this Worker experience than I get out of substitute teaching--that's just a nice paycheck. This is people skills, organizational skills, writing, administration, and life skills.

Why does money control us so much?

And I really do hate that I have to work outside of here, also. I wish I could just spend all my time here and dedicate myself to this place, but student loans come calling. And car insurance. And health insurance. And a cell phone bill. Dang.

But sometimes, I wonder about the whole several-part-time-jobs-thing. I love working at a lot of places, but sometimes I question if, deep down, I'm not doing it so, if the shit really hits the fan, I can cop out by saying "this isn't my full-time gig. I'm dedicated other places." It's like taking a Vice Presidential role in my own life. You get credit for it, but really you don't have to do a lot unless the President doesn't show up. I get the glory and fun out of working at several locations, but I don't have to truly invest myself and be held entirely responsible. Why didn't I know where we store the paper towels at work? Well, I only work here part-time (even though I've been part-time for over a year). Poor excuse.

Other than this, though, it's been a good time here at the DM Worker. I'm loving it, and still just trying to figure out my life around here. I don't know that I'll ever figure it out.

Sorry this was such a poorly-worded blog. I'm on hold with Microsoft to ask them a question about my computer, and I'm slightly distracted. Stupid technology... I might just have to go off the grid. Even though I really (and I mean really) covet a MacBook right now...

First November Post :)

2009-11-05T09:37:00.000-06:00

Good morning!

I like November. It's a good month. Fall, leaves, pumpkin bars, hot apple cider, Thanksgiving...it's a nice month.

I haven't written for a while, so I have a back-log of things to say. Or, perhaps, it may seem that way, but really I didn't write because I didn't have anything too important to say anyway. But the minute I acknowledge that I need to write a blog, the ideas start flowing. It's like the Field of Dreams--"if you acknowledge it, they will come."

And today is the first Thursday in three weeks that it hasn't rained! Yay.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how to create change. Just call me Barack Obama. Or, if you prefer, Orock Bahama.

What brought this to mind was the Simpson students that I see volunteering at various places around the city. No one can deny that their volunteer hours working with inner-city youth are beneficial. Beneficial to the kids, yes, but probably just as beneficial to them as people, because experiencing different things changes you. It's like with YouthWorks, the short-term mission organization I worked with for a couple of summers. The "works" in "YouthWorks" refers to the changes that take place in the hearts of the youth, not the work they do in the outside world.

Well, that's great. Changing hearts. But if the changing of hearts doesn't change their lifestyle, how does that help? If they realize there is poverty in the world, but still continue to live a selfish life, what good does that do? I think we need to switch from living for ourselves, to living for others. We have to create systemic change, just not bandage up the problem.

So, volunteering at a kid's program----
Create systemic change: mentor the child so they can work towards a better future than their parents were able to give them.
Bandage the problem: middle-class girl volunteers at inner-city kid's program to add to her resume, so she can get a better job out of college.

Do you see the difference here? Modern society tells us to volunteer at these programs so we can put it on our resumes, so we can get a better job, so we can drive the economy, so we can keep these people needing the services these programs provide. Real life tells us that we should volunteer at these programs so we can improve the lives of those in the programs, then take what we've learned and change our lifestyles so we don't continue to oppress them.

And let me just say quickly that I have no idea how to do that. I have no idea how to live so we don't oppress others. I write like it sounds like I have it all figured out. Sometimes I'm not entirely convinced that we shouldn't just live for ourselves. Sometimes I'm not convinced that working for justice and peace is what we were put here to do. Maybe we were just put here to enjoy ourselves? Talk about a shallow existence...

Two more random things:

1. I spent a couple of minutes talking to one of our guests outside of the house yesterday. I say hi to him everytime I see him, but haven't ever really had a conversation with him before. So, this conversation sort of took a turn where this guy appeared to be that stereotypical crazy homeless man, "I'm God's chosen," and all that. It wasn't because of this that I had to leave the conversation, but it may have appeared as such. Regardless, as I was leaving, he simply said, "Thanks for listening."

Dang. Sometimes that's all they need.

2. My neighborhood isn't ghetto, nor "the hood," nor dangerous. When I walk down the streets, I see nice little houses with fences and bikes. Grills, kid's toys, and flowers in front yards. There is nothing scary about this neighborhood. I just wanted to clarify that, more to myself if nothing else. This world is beautiful.

Showdown in Chicago

2009-10-28T00:55:00.000-05:00

I had the opportunity to attend the Showdown in Chicago this past weekend. It was an event put on by NPA (National People's Action), which took place in Chicago during an American Bankers Association conference. Check it out: http://www.showdowninchicago.org/

This was a great event, and because I'm a member of Iowa CCI, I got to go! [Read: you should join CCI :)] http://www.iowacci.org/

Anyway, I saw a lot of people who were really worked up about getting screwed over by the big banks. Their homes had been foreclosed. They'd been victims to predatory lending. They had gotten caught in the horrible cycle of payday lending.

This is where my lack of empathy comes in. It's hard for me to get as worked up as these people about these issues that are clearly unjust and immoral, simply because it hasn't personally happened to me. Why am I so damn important? Sure, I don't have enough life experience to know what having a mortgage feels like, and then I especially don't know what it feels like when the bank tries to steal your money from that mortgage. I'm not going to pretend that I really understand this very well. Definitely not near as well enough as I should.

So, a struggle of mine during this event was simply that I couldn't make it my own. Do you know what I mean? It's easy to be very passionate about something that has affected you personally--it's much more difficult to get worked up about something that you have no first-hand experience of. That's not to say that it's not possible or not necessary--it is both possible and necessary. Just more difficult.

I did, however, realize the simple value of putting my body in a place where it would create the most impact. In this case, putting my body in a group with a thousand other people, because the more people, the more effect. That was the goal, and it was achieved.

I would, however, have liked to bring something more back from the trip than just that. Over are my days of simply going somewhere for the fun of it. I need to get something out of experiences that I have...to learn something, to bring something back to my community for the better, and to somehow affect others with what I've learned.

I took notes during the whole event, just about what the speakers were talking about and other important things. I did, then, write three notes that I wanted to blog about when I got back.

1. "Hard to connect to change it, instead of just leave it." What I was going for in this statement is that, maybe it's the Catholic Worker in me or something, but it was hard for me to realize that we can try to change the system, instead of just opting out of the system and then, possibly, creating your own. Why not just stop using the big banks? Why not just simply avoid dangerous things such as that? Because other people can be harmed by them, I would guess. Because if you have the ability to fight for others' justice, you have a responsibility to do so.

So, what's better? Trying to fix the unjust, current system that oppresses so many, or defecting from the current system, creating your own, better version, and inviting others to join? Should we fix the old or create a new?

I don't know the answer.

2. It's very hard for me to believe that some people are knowingly vicious and predatory. This conference portrayed the large bank executives as knowingly targeting certain populations with bad loans, causing many home foreclosures, and doing all this because of truly un-altruistic reasons.

I have no reason to doubt that the organizers of this event were telling the truth, but the naive person in me still claims that there is good in everyone, and that those people that we think are being purposefully evil and mean, are really just misunderstood.

I know, I know...this is something I need to learn. I just need more life experience--I need to meet someone that is mean and predatory and lies, simply for the sake of being mean, predatory, and a liar; someone who cares not in the least for the human race. I need to meet this person face-to-face before I agree that they exist. It is in this case that I have no faith.

Therefore, it was hard for me to be as harsh on these big banks as others were. And, while I'm aware that my claim that since, "I didn't experience this personally" holds no water, it certainly does make it harder to relate on a personal, passionate level.

3. Somehow during the course of the day, this is a conclusion I came to: "Makes sense to do both--serve and fight--it's the financial industry that's screwing everyone."

Hey, look, it's the Catholic Worker ideal of justice work and hospitality. No one can deny that hospitality work is necessary and valuable. However, the work that probably does more good is fighting the system that oppresses those you serve. Why? Because in the long run, you serving food to that guy on that cold winter night will not save as many lives as you standing up to Goldman Sachs and demanding that Americans stop getting their money taken by big bank to be spent on CEO bonuses.

But you have to have both. It is two arms of the same body. I've heard this time and time again, but every time I hear it it makes a little more sense. You can't just try to convince others to serve. You have to serve. You can't just serve. You also have to fight for those you serve...sometimes using the class and racial status that you may find yourself in.

Those are my thoughts. Enjoy.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/10/25/bank-protests_n_333155.html

Thoughts on Free Will

2009-10-28T00:13:00.000-05:00

I've spent some time organizing my room and getting rid of things that I no longer need. I find myself sometimes having rather interesting thoughts at somewhat inopportune times, because I don't have the ability at that moment to totally develop the thought or write it down. So, I then turn to writing fragments of thoughts on small sheets of paper, then stashing them places so I run into them later. That's what happened with this note I had written about free will. I'm not sure when it was written or why...I think sometime during the month of September, but I don't know what spurned it. Regardless, I'm going to share with you a little of Tracy's thought process. This is exactly how it's written on the sheet I'm reading it off of:

If God gave us free will, can He change our hearts towards Him?
--How did He "harden" Pharaoh's heart?

Is anyone predisposed to not-loving God, or is everyone capable if they open their hearts enough? (Example: am I pre-disposed to not-loving, and never being able to love, some romantic partners?) (Or am I capable of loving anyone if I open my heart enough?)

Is love for/from God like romantic love?

Is there so much pain and hardship in our world because we give pain and hardship to God by not-loving Him?

If we really love someone, the thought of losing them is unbearable. For example, my parents or my best friends. Why don't I feel this with most people?

Your spouse: is it safe to fully invest in someone? If they suddenly die, then what? Fully invest in God--He'll never leave=I mustn't give Him up if someone else comes along.

I hope I'm supposed to get married. If not, God, help me to be truly content with only You. Forever.

We have to "choose" God, but you can't choose who you fall in love with...how does this work?

Who/what controls our feelings?

God is simply an overwhelming sense of love, that wins us with simplicity, generosity, and benevolence of His love.

So, I guess that was more questions than thoughts. Any answers? I sure as hell don't have any. Neither does this dinosaur.

Before the Free Will Blog...

2009-10-27T23:52:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I can be totally oblivious. Seriously. I'm really bad at being empathetic. I'd like to think I'm good at it, but in practice it sometimes doesn't play itself out as well as hoped.

I was speaking with another of my community members today about my blog. First of all, I should have acknowledged the fact that I'm thankful that you read this thing. The fact that you care enough about me to sit and read through all this boring crap really means a lot to me. I'm bad at acknowledging things like that.

My second point is this: Many of my blogs focus on my struggle with the knowledge that this (Catholic Worker stuff) is inherently beneficial work, versus the American version of success=money, car, family, job. I was continually fed that as a child, and not because my parents didn't want me to think outside the box. They just didn't know they were in a box, and I didn't either. And let me tell you, it's scary coming out of the box. It's scary coming to the realization that there's more to life than getting a job and living comfortably, and, more so, that you're in charge of figuring out what life looks like outside of those things.

Scary, Halloween noises. Ah! "Home Alone" face.

However, my statements along the lines of, "I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life," and "it's really hard to find the worth in this," say absolutely nothing about the validity of my other Catholic Workers' lives and their work here. He pointed out to me that statements such as those feel like discrediting one's work to those who do choose to do this work and who do already find inherent value in it. Those statements say nothing about other peoples' work. They are simply my struggle to come to the realization that my co-Workers likely already have come to. They are my struggling against current societal structures that I feel oppressed by and my fight with myself to get value out of work I choose to do, as opposed to work I'm told to do by others.

So, I'm not saying anything against my other Workers. On the contrary, I'm probably somehow stating a jealousy of them, because they get something I don't. They're more simple than I am, and have less mind-control by society. They can't be told what do to as easily as I find myself being. They think for themselves much easier, and understand themselves much more. I just struggle against myself, who I am versus who I want to be, constantly.

That's what I mean, about how I'm so self-centered and so oblivious sometimes. This blog is not meant to harm my beloved community members in any way. I love them all, and this blog is simply the lessons that I'm personally learning on this journey that I've found myself in.

Rainy Day Blog.

2009-10-23T00:18:00.000-05:00

It's true. It's been raining all damn day. Suck. And it's been, like, 45 degrees. Gotta love Iowa. If only it were a bit colder, then it would sleet or be freezing rain. Then I'd have an excuse to not leave the house and watch all three extended sets of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

I thought a lot about "progress" today. I don't feel like my life is "progressing" in any way--at least not in the way of completing an education or nurturing a relationship that could turn into marriage. The things I'm doing aren't going to directly relate to my future life--although they could, I guess, since I don't know what my future life will look like.

Do you know what I mean, though? I'm not working some super important job where I can put it on my resume, and I'm not doing more schooling so I can add to my credentials. At least in those arenas, I'm pretty constant.

Why do I feel like there's no "progress" in my life right now, and why do I feel like there should be?

I wrote about progress some before, I think, in the context of how much our society should progress, and how simple we should stay. At least I think I wrote about that... Even if I didn't, it's something I think about a lot. How much should our society progress? We were given brains that are able to create connections, come up with new ideas, and advance society in a positive way. However, it's very easy to see that progress and advancements also hurt a lot of people. Every time someone gains a rung on the economic ladder, someone else falls one. We have to have the right amount of progress in our society in order to make sure that everyone is helped by the advancements, and not hurt by them.

That said, is my questioning about progress in my own life related to how very American I am in my subconscious views? While I can talk down progress in our society as a bad thing, how can I still claim that I want it in my own life? Do I have a right to want my life to progress and improve, while I don't want the same from our American system and culture? From our economy?

Let me affirm you, though, that I have no idea what "progress" in my life looks like. I think it looks like movement, improvement, and change. And maybe the problem is that I'm not used to not-completing a grade in school and moving up the next year. I'm not used to flat-line American life.

--->Random question #1: What is the point of anything we do if there's no outward result? Is the work that I do valuable if it doesn't affect the greater, outside world? Or is simply nurturing oneself benefit enough for work and trials and tribulations? I want the work that I do to count for something. I find myself continually frustrated because I see no systemic changes based on the work I'm doing. And if we aren't systemically changing something for the better, I sometimes think our work is just in vain...sometimes. Other times, I know it's so totally valuable, I think it could change the world.

----->Example: Members of my church going to serve a meal at Central Iowa Shelter and Services. Yes, it's true that it's good that we gave a homeless person a meal. And yes, it's true that if we hadn't done it, someone from the staff there would have had to do it. But, either way, the people who stay at the shelter are going to get food. So, is the only benefit of what we did to remove the burden from a staff member by doing it ourselves?

Sometimes I justify this away by saying something like, "Well, it's great that those people who are not exposed to this demographic can experience it. Every little bit helps, and every bit creates life change." But if the people who help serve this meal and build relationships with the homeless don't let this experience affect them outside of this setting, what's the point? It needs to create life change on a larger scale. Talk about it with your friends. Ride your bike more. Talk to people on the street. Join an intentional community. Garden. Recycle. Those are just a few of the minor things anyone can do...

Be watching for my next blog. Topic: free will.

Interpersonal!

2009-10-21T15:47:00.003-05:00

This is the blog you've all been waiting for: community living. I'll have to admit, up to this point, it's really been pretty easy. I'm pretty flexible, go-with-the-flow, so when "things get tough," I'm usually pretty chill with it. I don't get too involved, so I don't get hurt and I don't hurt others.

However, maybe not getting too involved (ie distancing yourself from the problem) isn't the right answer in this. Maybe keeping yourself emotionally detached is a cheater way of living in community. It's easier, for sure; but with all difficult things come benefits, right? So, while I'm pretty happy right now, I'm sure life would be richer and fuller if it had more pain and more happiness.

Right?

Let me just tell you about my emotional background. My parents are awesome. I love them. However, when it comes to emotions, they weren't really there. And I don't mean that they weren't supportive of me and my feelings--it's just that we never, ever talked about feelings, and, consequently, I feel pretty uncomfortable talking about them. But I think a bi-product of us never talking about how we felt is that I find myself feeling very little. I feel happy, I feel tired, sometimes I feel sad, and sometimes I feel a bit annoyed. However, I never had any really intense emotions that my parents really "needed" me there for, and, to my knowledge, they never really had anything that intense that I needed to be a part of either. (On this graphic, I'm sooo in the light-colored outside part. I wish I were more towards the middle. Is that something you can make yourself do?)

So, when emotions start flying and I'm supposed to be aware of my own feelings as well as others' feelings, I get totally overwhelmed. This is new territory for me. I'm not good at being aware of my own feelings, let alone yours. And it's not an affront to you, by any means. I love you. I'm just totally oblivious sometimes. Other times, though, I'm afraid that the fact that I'm oblivious means that I don't love you. If I loved you the way I claim I do, I'd be more aware....wouldn't I? That's for another blog on another rainy day...

Regardless, the discussions we've had in recent conversations are not only about emotions. They also have to do with opinions being voiced, some carrying more weight, and some being overshadowed. Very rarely do I put in my two cents' worth. Is it because I don't want to create controversy? Maybe. Is it because I'm afraid of being thought less of or being disliked? Maybe. Is it because I'm not totally convinced that an idea that could come from my little brain would be worthy? Probably.

But, mainly I think I lack something that everyone else has already figured out. Mind you, while I've been in the community longer than some people, I'm still the youngest and most inexperienced-in-life member of our community. I lack the understanding that I can control and change my surroundings, my environment, and my life. This is a bi-product of recently being out of school, where I was always told what to do. And this has been a constant theme in all of my blogs, for the past nine months. How long is it going to take before it sinks in that I'm my own person, worthy of having a point of view that is worthwhile, and able to change and control what happens around me?

So, my lack of opinion has nothing to do with that I don't care or that I'm bottling it inside--it has to do with the fact that I'm totally unaware of, and totally out of tune with, myself and my motivations, opinions, passions, and desires. Instead of being OK with anything that happens, why not make what I want to happen, happen?

But first, I need to figure out what I want to happen. Right now, I feel nothing. I need to realize that this world is my world to form and create, just as much as it is anyone else's.

Third Job in Nine Months

2009-10-16T19:22:00.000-05:00

Today marks the third time I've turned down a full-time teaching position for this non-paying Catholic Worker life. Have I gotten lazy, or am I truly dedicating myself to this?

I got a call from the Human Resources director for secondary educator hiring at Des Moines Public Schools. He told me that he had an opening for a part-time math, part-time Spanish long-term (very long term, he said) substitute job. He asked if I was interested.

I stumbled over my words and eventually managed to get out that I already had other commitments. And it's true, I do. And, to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't really want to be doing a teaching position right now anyway. Not full-time, at least. However, what am I doing? Turning down people who offer me jobs without me even applying for them? This is the third time this has happened since I moved in. If my dad knew, he'd kill me. And in this economy...

It does slightly worry me, though, that I didn't even consider the job. Do I want to be a teacher? Do I want to work any full-time job? Or have I just totally defected from the 9-5 workplace for the time being? I've become a hippy snob. "I don't have to work a full-time job, so why should anyone else? They're just allowing their brains to be controlled by the System." Or, Tracy, maybe they just have to pay their bills. I'm lucky because I can pay my bills and still do this.

Or maybe teaching isn't my calling in life, and doing this is. "This" is just so hard to define, though, that it's hard to define myself by it. Then maybe I shouldn't define myself by what I do, but more by who I am. I could have told you that seven months ago...

Sometimes I just feel so cloudy in my head--like I need to drink a ton of coffee and get a lot more sleep. There's just so much going on up there that there's nothing going on. It's confusing, but the real consequence is that I don't have a clear mentality of my life and my place in it. I don't have presence of mind, nor clarity of mind.

For example, I'm not sure where else to go with this blog, and I don't have the capability to think about it. So, I'm going to leave it at that.

Good luck understanding what I'm talking about.

The American Public Education System...

2009-10-14T17:11:00.000-05:00

...and how I feel it has failed me.

I did a nice job in school. I graduated somewhere near fifth in my class in high school, and graduated Summa Cum Laude from college. However, I'm coming to realize that listing those things doesn't matter. On the contrary, the fact that I list them at all show that I went to school for the wrong reasons.

Education isn't just about the credential. But treating a class in college like I did (attending class, doing the least amount of work possible to get an A, and never retaining any information unless forced to), just shows that I believed that the grade was more important than the information. You don't retain information unless you force yourself to. I never did, and so here I am, trying to re-learn everything I should have learned in high school and college.

If you attend school, meet the requirements, graduate, and then strive to simply meet the requirements of life outside of school (get a job, a spouse, buy house, have kids, live comfortably, retire), the education system probably didn't fail you. You're always trying to reach someone else's goals for you: namely the things listed in the parenthesis above.

But if you see a life outside of those requirements, and strive for something deeper and "bigger" inside yourself, the public education system doesn't cut it. Why? Because a credential has nothing to do with it--it's critical thinking and life skills that matter...both things the public education system would like to teach, but fails miserably at. A credential only allows you to navigate the system already set up. The true knowledge allows you to navigate life, no matter how it's set up.

Don't get me wrong--credentials can be good to have if you want to navigate the system in a certain way and need the respect and power, to a certain extent, that they offer. But only if you use that power for the good of others, not simply selfish means.

I spent part of the morning reading "The Cossacks" by Leo Tolstoy. The main character is attempting to figure out how to define himself in life. "He meditated on the use to which he should devote that power of youth which is granted to man only once in a lifetime: that force which gives a man the power of making himself, or even--as it seemed to him--of making the universe, into anything he wishes: should it be to art, to science, to love of woman, or to practical activities? It is true that some people are devoid of this impulse, and on entering life at once place their necks under the first yoke that offers itself and honestly labour under it for the rest of their lives. But Olénin was too strongly conscious of the presence of that all-powerful God of Youth--that capacity to be entirely transformed into an aspiration or idea--the capacity to wish and to do--to throw oneself headlong into a bottomless abyss without knowing why or wherefore."

I want that.

I want education not just for the purpose of meeting requirements, and life not just for the purpose of meeting expectations.

Fear..."is the heart of love..."

2009-10-13T00:33:00.001-05:00

"...so I never went back..."

Name that song lyric. http://vodpod.com/watch/300391-death-cab-for-cutie-i-will-follow-you-into-the-dark

Anyway, this blog is about fear. I think fear really is at the heart of a lot of our problems. I know for sure it's at the heart of mine. Something (slightly) comforting to me occurred yesterday when I was listening to the Christian author Donald Miller speak here in Des Moines. He mentioned that on his daily to-do list, normally there were things like "update website," "check email," etc. However, at one point he realized that he needed to do something more...something bigger. And it had to do with mentoring fatherless kids. So he wrote something like "solve problem of broken families with mentoring," and immediately became terrified. That's a big job. And it requires going out of your comfort zone.

Bingo. This is me on a daily basis. I know I should be doing more; bigger things. And by "bigger" I don't mean with more recognition or anything like that. Just bigger things--things God knows I can do but I doubt that I can do. It's pretty vague, I know. Regardless, I doubt myself, and so I vacillate. And God pushes. And I stall more. And more. And more.

I was at my weekly Bible study tonight. Every Monday night I have a Catholic Worker Bible study, followed by a Bible study with some people at my church. It started with 12 people in it, and now it's down to about 4 that come on a regular basis. It's sad for me to see that, and I sort of wondered where everyone else was.

And then I got to thinking about how this Bible study will probably be over soon. It started in January, and it was a 2009-thing that's going to go through December. Suddenly I'm going to have my Monday nights free. That should be a freeing thing, right? No. To me, it's scary. I'm really, honestly afraid of unstructured time. I'm not good with it. I plan out every hour of my day, and having a "night off" is a rarity for me.

This is how it was in school, and this is how I continue to find myself. I'm happy, but I think the "bigger thing" I'm called to right now is freeing up time so I can struggle and push through this fear of being free. Seriously. It sounds odd, but I did get really afraid. Right now, my Sunday nights are taken by a Catholic Worker community meeting, followed by a girl's group. Monday nights are two Bible studies. Tuesday nights are our Young Adult groups. Wednesday nights are varying. Thursday nights I often go to church. Friday nights are Mass here at the Worker. Saturday nights are working at IHYC Outreach.

Hmmm...

I seriously can't handle having nothing to do. If I suddenly had a night off, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I'd hate it. I'd probably fail to do anything productive or enjoyable.

What's wrong with me?

Totally side note: I have waaaayy too much crap. I could hardly get myself inside tonight because I was holding so much stuff. So, I spent a couple of hours tonight just cleaning my room, consolidating things, and getting things ready to donate downstairs. That's the beauty of living here--whenever I don't want anything, I can take it downstairs and chances are it will be gone within the hour!

Don't get me wrong--I love living here. I just think that sometime in my life I'll be called to drop all of my obligations and deal with this fear. Damn.

A Misc. Mess

2009-10-10T00:10:00.000-05:00

And yes, I wrote "misc." because I don't know how to spell it. I'm not ashamed.

Song of the week: http://www.owlcitymusic.com/home.aspx (Fireflies).

It's been a busy week. I substituted three times this week, and that always throws me in a loop. If I worked five days a week and did nothing else, it'd be fine; but I'm trying to shove this on top of a full schedule already. Damn having to have money. This sucks.

Wednesday was the 8th anniversary of our invasion of Afghanistan. So, I taught in an high school English class that day and I told them, and would you like a sampling of my responses?

1. "We're in Afghanistan??"

2. Blank stares, glassy eyes, and far-off looks.

3. "If we aren't over there fighting them, they'll come kill us!"

4. "Do we have to talk about this?"

So many of these kids, and I later found out adults, simply buy into what they've been told by the media. We're fighting terrorists who will get us if we don't get them first. They're all evil. Right... Not humans or anything.

We had the blessing of having Zoya, a representative of the group RAWA, Revolutionary Association of the Women of Afghanistan, visit us this week. She spent the day talking to the Des Moines Register, some people from Senator Harkin's Washington D.C. office, and speaking at the downtown public library.

I figured that maybe this would be something that would connect with my students. I told them about how she's a real person who can't tell her name or have photos be taken of her because she'd be in terrible danger when she returned to the country. They still didn't care--even with a real person! I was shocked. The adults didn't even care. I find those facts to be extraordinarily interesting, if not distressing.

What are these students most concerned about? Some drama that went down at the Homecoming dance three weeks ago. Still.

So, that was a frustrating thing the last couple of days. And today's big news about Obama's Nobel Peace Prize and that we (primitively) bombed the moon to try to find hydrogen just really show how not-advanced we actually are. We don't care about the people on this planet--why should we care about the moon? And we've given a man the Nobel Peace Prize who may send more troops into Afghanistan to war.

Hmmm...

A few more thoughts that I had earlier:

I was suuuuppper tired after my day at school. I didn't have to work the hospitality hours today because I had the day off, so I was super excited to come home and take a nice, long nap. Well, turns out it was pretty busy downstairs and a couple of workers were sick, so they really needed help. Was I willing to stay and help out, though? Absolutely not. I took off running. Aren't I despicable? What is my real job, really? I don't deserve to live here.

The Gospel at tonight's Mass was about the rich guy who asks Jesus how he can get to heaven and Jesus replies, "Sell everything you have and give the money to the poor." Damn. That just makes me think about how ridiculous it is that I can't get my dresser drawer closed because there are so many t-shirts inside of it. And five pairs of jeans? Tracy, honestly. I hate it. Living here has not been the sacrifice that it ought to have been. I think I'm destined to eventually go off and live in my car for a while, with only the open road and my notebook. I need some soul-searching.

Last thought: God is everywhere. I hate it. Sometimes there are places I don't want to invite God (read: relationships). Unfortunately, God will shove God's way in. Dang.

Everything I Need to Know I Learned While Substitute Teaching

2009-10-06T17:31:00.000-05:00

As a general rule, I like substitute teaching. I enjoy being in the classroom, I like visiting different schools, and mainly, I love the pay. Yesterday, however, was extraordinarily dull. Yes. Dull.

Finally, near the end of the day, I had a little reprieve. The other teacher in my room was an older woman who lived in the small town I was teaching in that day. She'd grown up in a small town in upstate New York, lived in NYC for a while, then ended up in small town Iowa. She was a daycare provider, who I later found out had a son who recently entered the Border Patrol (I say this with a certain ominous tone in my voice). "He loves it."

And then it just gets better and better...

"And you know why my [21-year old] son's car insurance is so high? [He drives a 2-door Ford Mustang. His brother was in a really bad car accident.] Because of all those uninsured Mexicans driving around down there."

Right.

And then we get into the health care debate. "I don't want the government controlling my health care."

My response: "Well, a system like universal health care isn't necessarily provided by the government. It's only paid for by the government. The care providers stay the same."

No response.

"Do you get it?"

"Yeah, I get it, I just don't agree. That's what they're saying, and it's what you're buying. That's the facade they've put on."

Right.

She doesn't want the government to control health care. Right now the government controls access to health care, by allowing health insurance companies to control health care. It's ridiculous.

So then, this is my favorite part, she says, "You know why my health insurance premium is so high [$850 a month]? Because of all those uninsured poor people that go to the emergency room all the time because they're lazy."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but how does your premium paid to a private health insurance company get into the hands of the government to pay for Medicaid? That's coming from your tax money, not your health insurance premium. All your premium money stays in the hands, or pockets, rather, of the executives of your health insurance company.

Near the end of the conversation, she ponders how citizens in our country think they are "entitled" to things. "How did our country become a country of entitlement? We have to work for what we have. We have to earn it."

I'm not sure if she realizes that in that statement, and in the previous statements about illegal immigrants and health insurance, that she's inherently stating that she's entitled to something; that she's entitled to something in this country that Mexicans and the poor are not entitled to. She's harping on those uninsured who think they're entitled to health insurance and those Mexicans who think they're entitled to car insurance, but not harping on herself who thinks she's more entitled to these things because she was born, and continues to be, a middle-class white citizen of the United States. Either we're all entitled or no one, and really no one, is entitled to anything. That means you don't get to use our great Postal System, highway system, or broken financial system. You aren't entitled to anything unless you created it on your own.

Let's be fair, now.

Really, That's How It Is?

2009-10-03T20:25:00.001-05:00

I'm at work right now, at Iowa Homeless Youth Centers. First of all, let me tell you that I'm not really doing a lot, and I'm getting paid; whereas at the Worker I do a lot and never get paid. It's just crazy the way the world works, huh? And this, the work I do for money, is what I get "credit" for in a lot of peoples' eyes...not the work where I'm actually doing a lot of work? Interesting.

That said, let me tell you that I actually am doing a lot...I just find it hard to find the value in it. Value is intrinsically there, I just always want more and more, and I fail sometimes to accept the small and insignificant.

We do a drop-in center every Thursday-Saturday night at Outreach. We're open for youth ages 15-21, and we have movies and food, games, laundry facilities and showers available. Not bad. However, there were only six kids here, and the motivated, go-go-go person in me views it as a failure. Only six kids? What's the point?

It's sort of like cooking a nice, big dinner, and serving it to only ten people. It's like an insult.

But then I really have to realize that if we helped one person, it's totally worth it. And clearly we've helped six here tonight. And that meal served ten. So why isn't it worth it?

I know it sounds clichéd and sort of like, "Tracy, you still have gotten this point after 9 months of working with these people? You're light-years behind Momma T." You know, "If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one."

Right. It's just so hard to justify it to myself.

I think I'm really bad at being empathetic, and really understanding the pain of those around me. I can listen, but I'm not good at taking it on. I'm not good at pain. I think I avoid it.

Regardless, I'm still trying to get this very basic thing. Let's hope someday I'm able to grasp it fully.

[And let me just share with you my second choice for picture in this blog. What??! :) ]

A Cold Post for a Cold Day

2009-10-01T10:53:00.000-05:00

Actually, my statement that it is a cold day could be a lie. It's 10:45 and I haven't been outside yet today. It's rainy and miserable, and I'm not looking forward to the day at all. Not because of what I have to do, but simply because I feel shitty today, and I don't feel like doing anything. I just feel like curling into a ball and sleeping the day away.

I wish.

So, when I finally stepped into the shower at 9:30, I was feeling supremely lazy. I had a friend once who used to wake up at 7 every day, and he really made me feel lazy for sleeping in all the time. Consequently, I still feel like I'm wasting the whole day if I'm not up by 8.

As I was standing in the shower, I realized how very unproductive, unsuccessful, and unhappy I really felt at that particular moment. I knew I hadn't accomplished anything so far this morning, and that I probably wouldn't accomplish anything the entire day. All I felt like doing was reading Loaves and Fishes and hanging in my room.

And then I got to thinking, "Well, if I just had a job that made me get up, do it, and then I could go home, I would feel so much more accomplished." It's true; I would. If I had a job where I had to be there at 8 AM every day, and then I would work for four hours, take a lunch break, work another four hours, then go home, I'd feel very accomplished. Why? Because I followed someone else's directions? Because I perpetuated something I might not truly believe in? Screw that. It's much harder to motivate yourself and try and figure out for yourself what to do.

And sometimes, since I'm a human, I don't feel like doing anything. I'm not a robot. And sometimes I feel like sleeping in until 10 AM and reading all day. And I should be able to, because I'm a human who's made out of flesh, not steel.

But I hate how our society makes you feel worthless if you didn't accomplish anything that day. We're so damn driven...why can't we just slow down and enjoy that it's miserably cold out and that we should be drinking hot cider and cuddling on the couch? Or loveseat. And why do I allow my worth to be decided by what I do, what I accomplish, instead of who I am?

And why in the hell would working an office job for eight hours, pushing paper and wasting time, make me feel more accomplished? I probably don't even understand where my cog is in the whole wheel of society.

So, sorry about such a downer post. But it's a downer day, so you deserve it.

The Lift Bridge Analogy

2009-09-30T18:48:00.001-05:00

During the health care vigil yesterday (every Tuesday from 11:30-12:30 at 6th and Locust in Des Moines--come join us!), I had a good opportunity to think about health care. Go figure.

I was thinking about how very, very broken our system is. Come to think of it, we don't really have a system. We have a bunch of financial institutions trying to make as much profit as possible. But that's beside the point.

Actually, watch this. It's great: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aitvFZTOrp4

I was thinking of what we could compare our "system" to. What's going on right now is that it works for some people, but also doesn't work for other people. So, does the fact that it doesn't work for some justify changing it for everyone, or should those that it doesn't work for just suffer, as opposed to the hassle of changing the whole system for the few? Sorry, that sentence was really poorly worded. Deal with it.

I compare our health care system to a lift bridge. The bridge goes up, the boat goes under, people on the boat survive. The bridge doesn't go up, the boat slams into the bridge, fiery crash, people die. Boom.

Is the fact that sometimes the bridge doesn't work and people die enough of an argument to justify replacing the bridge? Perhaps with a working bridge? What's the harm in getting rid of the one that only works sometimes for one that would work all the time? (i.e. Universal health care, if you don't see where I'm going with this). I see no harm in saving lives.

And yeah, replacing the bridge is going to be a lot of work. But we shouldn't judge the outcome of something based on the work it takes to get there. If so, we probably wouldn't do anything, because everything would be "too hard."

Deal with it.

Corinthian Convo

2009-09-29T14:48:00.000-05:00

Text of the day: 2 Corinthians. All of it. I had a lot of time yesterday, and since I'm in a Bible study that is working its way through the New Testament, I had the opportunity to actually read everything we were supposed to! This is not a common occurrence. I'm not really very good at reading the Bible every day, I'm not going to lie. I wish I were better at it.

That said, can I just enlighten you with a few thoughts about what I read, plus a few thoughts about community living?

2 Corinthians 5:9-10: "So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. 10For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad."

You know what I always take this to mean? Once you feel like you've pleased God enough, which undoubtedly I always do because I dislike challenging myself and pushing myself, and I think I'm pretty good at pleasing people, especially God, I stop trying. I'm being totally serious. I'm so good at hitting the mark, but what's the point in trying harder to hit above the mark? People will praise you for doing it well, and that's all we really want, right? Praise. Yes. So why exert yourself?

I think this will be a struggle of mine for a very long time. That, and honestly admitting to myself that I'm not good enough. Some people struggle by thinking they aren't good enough; I struggle with thinking I'm too good. I think I'm totally adequate, so I don't try any harder and I don't strain myself, and consequently I don't challenge myself and I don't grow. What the hell. I need to break myself down a little. That's a prayer I have for God a lot--to slow me down and make me realize that life isn't all smiles and happy things. And to actually think about what's going on around me and the lives of those around me that I care about.

I want to be what this passage says: 2 Corinthians 7:11-12: "And now, isn't it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God? You're more alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible. Looked at from any angle, you've come out of this with purity of heart."

More alive. More concerned. More sensitive. More reverent. More human. More passionate. More responsible. And a purity of heart. And a clarity of mind (2 Corinthians 6:1-10).

And now, community living. We've had a few interpersonal dynamics go down that, I'll have to admit, either I'm no good at sensing under-the-surface stuff, or I live with very in-tune people. Regardless, at the first hint of conflict, I want to run. I'll admit it. I'd like much better to take it all in and not make any statements, unless those statements are reconciling statements, because I've had enough experience with talking about someone behind their back and it blowing up to know that I shouldn't do that. Regardless, I know that running is giving up. Removing yourself from a community that is soo blessed and sooo important to you just because you're scared of conflict is called running away. And it's cowardly.

So, to what extent, when you move into a community, should you assimilate to the community? There's value in being able to fit into a society, but also a sense of submission when conforming to society. And when I talk about "society" here, I'm referring to outside society as well as our internal Catholic Worker society. The dynamics are the same whether you move into a house with two other people or a town of 1,500; you still have to "fit in" to a certain extent, but also be true to yourself, your passions, your values, and your identity.

The latter is something I think I'm pretty bad at. I'm very flexible, but, consequently, also very malleable and easily conformed. Or maybe I've found a group of people that I just slide into because a Tracy-sized hole existed before I got here. I'm not sure. I won't just let anyone tell me what to do, and I won't compromise the things I really believe in, but I am pretty flexible and easy going. Is that a personality flaw? Not sure.

Regardless, community living is proving to be...as Norman would say...interesting.

Ok, those are just a few thoughts for your Tuesday afternoon. More soon! P.S.--still have the same Jason DeRulo song stuck in my head. :)

Can I Really Write a Whole Blog About a Towel?

2009-09-28T11:02:00.003-05:00

And this song doesn't necessarily reflect my mood, but it is in my head, so that's gotta count for something: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQa60u1zPdE

I got to visit a very good friend in Minneapolis this past weekend. She and I haven't really spent a whole lot of time together, but we were fast friends from day 1, and now we have one of those relationships where we don't have to talk at all, but we're still great friends, you know? It's awesome.

So, anyways, I was taking a shower at her place. Mind you, the last time I was in Minneapolis, I took a shower at her boyfriend's place. Interesting.... So, anyways, this time I was showering at her place and I asked her which towel I should use. She said I could just use her white one on the back of the door, even though she'd just showered with it and it was sort of wet. Who cares? She's a good friend of mine, right? And so why is sharing a towel with her gross at all?

(This picture really relates, too...)

But then I got to thinking: would I do that with one of our guests? I know a lot of our guests fairly well, but would I share a towel with them? I'd share a towel with my housemates, if they're OK with it, but definitely not with a guest. Why?

I think I'm still fighting through some under-the-surface prejudices that I have our guests, and how about they're a level below us. I know for a fact this isn't true, and I don't believe it, but sometimes I wonder if my actions say otherwise.

It's sort of like the police officer who says she isn't racist, but then sees two young black guys walking the streets at night and questions them about what they're doing.

Or like when I'm walking the streets at night and veer to the other side of the street when I encounter anyone young wearing baggy pants.

It's unfair of me. I hate to admit that at this point in my life, and at this living situation, I still struggle with these things. It's just been burned into me from years of living in small towns and watching pop culture develop.

This is definitely something I need to think about and work out a little more. Why wouldn't I share a towel with our guests? Because they're dirty because they live on the streets? Why won't I use the same toilet they use? Because it's gross because there are street people sitting on it all day? It's still a toilet in my house...the house I live in. I don't know. I appall myself sometimes.

Equality, eh? I'm not too good at it.

Humility vs. Self-Confidence

2009-09-22T23:05:00.004-05:00

This song reflects my mood today: http://www.last.fm/music/Jack's+Mannequin/_/Spinning

Don't you love how music sometimes, even without words, can express feelings and emotions much better than our measely voices? It's so expressive, so beautiful. So....so.

Because of some interactions with some people who I've felt very hurt by, I've done a lot of thinking about self-confidence, and how that relates to humility. During the course of the last few months, I have felt the most insecure and had the least amount of self-confidence in my entire life up to this point. It's bizarre. I never really knew where it came from, but I definitely felt that I had no idea who I was and, consequently, had no confidence or self-esteem in that person. Conversely, however, during those couple of months, I also felt the most humble that I've felt in a while. That is, if you can say that you felt humble and still be considered humble...it's a slippery slope.

Regardless, I've had some interactions with some very, very confident people. I've noticed that those people are very effective in their actions and getting their points across--they interact with others well, they're able to make their voices heard and themselves known, and that's great. They lack, however, a bit of the humility that I think Christ came to teach us. It's hard to promote yourself and your business in this world while keeping humble in a Christ-like way, I think.

Extreme self-confidence leads to arrogance. And while self-confidence and humility can exist in the same realm, I believe arrogance and humility to be mutually exclusive.

So, is it possible to be self-confident and humble at the same time? I think Christ probably did it. Or is it more like a graph like this:

where the blue best-fit line represents our change in humility vs. self-confidence. If we put self-confidence on the x-axis (independent) and self-confidence on the y-axis (dependent), as our self-confidence is low, our humility is high. And, conversely, as our self-confidence is high, our humility is low.

Is it always like that?

I'm pretty sure Jesus was able to get by with high humility and high self-confidence. Or maybe not...

As I was thinking about this today, I realized how very unrelated I thought this topic was to the Catholic Worker. You know, this blog is supposed to be about my life here, not my life personally (you'd be so bored if that were the case...more than you are now, that is), and since this topic didn't really relate to what I was learning here, I decided to leave it out.

But then I got to thinking, and the Catholic Worker Movement itself is a great representation of this. I believe that the Worker is confident in what it is: a de-centralized, radical movement that does something so old and so simple, it looks new and complex. Nothing the Worker started as was premeditated...it just happened, and the reason it has sustained is because it never tried to sustain and never tried to be successful. That's where the humility comes it. The Catholic Worker, as a whole, doesn't play itself up; it's under the surface, and it's extraordinarily successful in what it tries to do.

It just doesn't think too highly of itself. You can't take yourself too seriously, you know.

When I first moved in, the American businesswoman in me started to realize how we needed to get our name out there more--we needed to advertise, get more volunteers, let people know who we are and what we do--we want to be successful, you know!

But there was always something standing in the way of me actually doing any of those things, and while at the time I believed that it was my own inadequacy, in reality I think it was the still, small voice of God telling me to take a minute and breathe, realize what this community is really like, and then let the "spirit" of the Catholic Worker tell me what to do from the inside...as opposed to the world outside telling us how to behave in it.

We don't need better P.R. Our actions speak for themselves, but you just have to know where to look. I was amazed at the underground community and support that this movement, and really any counter-cultural movement, has. I know this isn't specific to the Catholic Workers, so you'll have to forgive me for being so biased, but the idea is still the same. We don't mesh well with society, and that's why I was struggling so much when I first moved in. I felt inadequate because I was trying to behave like a self-confident, not-humble outsider, instead of accepting humility and self-confidence, and deciding actions based upon those things.

That's my deep thoughts for your Tuesday evening. One more thing...our housemate who broke his foot several months ago is coming home tomorrow! I'm happy that he'll be back, and I was blessed with a short visit with him today, as well. He's so ambitious and child-like in his faith, it's a very encouraging thing. Always try to surround yourself with inspired people, it really rubs off.

Oh For a Cabin in the Woods

2009-09-20T18:55:00.000-05:00

I did some "homeless youth outreach" today. It's so vague. Today was spent handing out leftover sack lunches to people in the homeless camps by the river. To a certain extent I feel weird even doing that--it's like going into someone's home and giving them food, assuming that they aren't capable of getting it on their own. I'm always surprised at the kindness of the people at the camps...I'd figure they'd want their privacy, i.e. get-the-hell-out-of-my-house mentality. That's probably what I'd do. God works in strange ways.

I had a volunteer with me today, and she and I spent a lot of time just talking about homelessness. One of the men we'd met on the river was an older guy who said that he'd be spending the entire winter camping out in that very spot. I made sure that he had plenty of blankets and clothing, and he said that he was in the process of collecting. If I come across any stuff, I'll be sure to save it for him. Some people just prefer to do that, and who are we to judge how they choose to live their life?

Why do we as a society say that this guy camping by the river is a loser who needs to get a house and a job, while we don't judge, and sometimes even glorify, the life of a similar guy who chooses to spend the winter at a deserted cabin by a lake? Does it somehow have more glory and validity if he owns the land or pays for the cabin? Does the fact that he can afford to chose that life make it much better that he chose it? In the long run, they have equal impacts on society. So why do we attempt to save one of them while writing a book about how wonderful the other one is?

In the book "Jayber Crow," Wendell Berry writes about a man who chooses to do just that. He has a cabin down by the river, and for the last 10 or 20 years of his life, he simply lives by the river, fishing, fixing up his house, reading, and enjoying nature and life. Does the fact that someone does this with four walls around them instead of a piece of cloth make them that much better? Why does a house validate a lifestyle choice?

We're all human beings who choose to live the way we live. And in God's eyes we all have the same validity. So why do we judge one another? Leave the judging to God, let's just do the loving down here.

Enjoy your Sunday!

How Important Is It Really?

2009-09-17T10:42:00.001-05:00

I'm almost done with my stint as a full-time employee of modern society. I've worked four days, 7:45-3:30, and let me tell you, it's been draining. I know I'm just out of practice, and my life outside of teaching a day of school isn't set up for relaxing after a day of school. If I really did have a full-time job, I definitely wouldn't be able to participate in the things I do, because I just wouldn't have the energy, nor really the drive. I really do respect people who work 9-5 and then also sit on committees or chair events or have other part-time jobs. That's ambition, and it's something I don't really have.

However, I love my life as it is right now. And I wouldn't change it for the world.

And I wonder if the human body was really created to operate this way. I really don't think we were made to sit inside all day and operate like machines. If my body says it's sick, or my mind says it doesn't feel like functioning, I should be able to listen to them, because my body is the most important thing I have, and really it's the only thing I have. I was blessed with a physical body from the Lord, and me taking care of it is a ministry in and of itself.

So, call me dramatic or whatever, but I've had a lot of thoughts about working in the full-time world versus simply living life, and I'd like to share them with you. It's just been a really big culture shock to suddenly, after 5 months of not-working a full day in an institution, to suddenly do it four days in a row.

It's very easy to get yourself in the mentality that, "Well, I'm working this job, and this is what I do, and the rest of my life and the rest of my day operates around this. After work, I'm going to go home and prep for the next day of work. I don't really have the energy to do anything else, but it doesn't matter because I've already contributed meaningfully to society by working a full day." After I left school yesterday I had that exact mentality, but sometime while driving on the freeway between Valley West Drive and 42nd Street, God really took my mind out of "full-time job" mode and put it back into life-as-a-Catholic-Worker mode, where you think outside of yourself and don't define yourself by what you do. That's a huge Praise the Lord.

I had a meeting yesterday evening to help plan an event that raises awareness about youth homelessness. The chair of my committee is a girl a few years older than me who works as an assistant at Principal Financial, one of the biggest employers in Des Moines. I, like most of society, had her pegged as a person who works in corporate America and gives back by volunteering from time to time with underprivileged kids. After our brief meeting I just stayed back and talked to her for a while--which is not an odd thing to do in Catholic Worker life, but a very counter-cultural thing to do in the busy, modern world. We talked about how she became involved, about how she's not super thrilled with her job right now, and about how your job needn't define you, although we as a society allow it to. It was a good conversation, and afterwards she specifically mentioned how good it was to just sit and chat. I think that's something that is noticeably absent from modern culture--just sitting and shooting the shit, you know. We don't really know each other, we only know what each other does, which sometimes is a good characterization of a person, but often isn't quite good enough.

After this meeting I had the opportunity to bike home. I was sort of on a time crunch, but lately I've refused to let that bother me. Screw society and its time structures. So, I'm going to bike home. I happened to bike over the freeway right as the sun was setting. And so, even though I was already sort of late, I stopped to watch the sun set over the traffic speeding below. It was quite a philosophical thing to watch these cars racing at 65 mph into the slow-moving sunset. I can't explain it very well, being a math major and all, but just believe me that it was a struggle to understand why we live the way we live, when the world is much slower and more simple than we allow it to be. And as the world we've created races towards nothing, the true world keeps slowly turning, creating the rhythm that we operate by, although we refuse to acknowledge it.

I simply love it when nature controls us, like blizzards or storms; even nighttime. That means that we don't control everything. And we never will. Because the sun will keep setting over our freeway as we keep racing toward it, reaching for something that doesn't exist.

Whoa.

2009-09-14T23:44:00.004-05:00

Consider this my reflection after Day 1 of a 4- or 5-day teaching job. At a suburban school. That means I'm almost full time! Let me tell you, this whole strict-time-schedule thing isn't really working for me. Since I've been living here, I've operated much more under Nica time, or Native American time, or whatever other culture time you want to refer to...it essentially means that I'm late, and no one really cares. Like, I say I'll be there at 3, and I'll be there sometime between 3 and 3:30, hopefully. However, in the "real world," being there at 7:45 means 7:45, because school starts and kids will be running wild killing one another if you aren't there.

I thought a lot about requirements. I'd always operated under the assumption, which was true up til now, that you only need to do what is required of you and nothing more. If you're in a class, you do the assignment, you pass the test, you call it good. If you happen to have a cumulative final test, you review until that cumulative final, then you call it good. Then you forget it, and all's well that ends well, especially if it ends with an A on your transcript.

But that's not right. That's not how it should be. The "real world" doesn't have requirements to meet or set goals for the people in it. Work in the real world should be done because it's worthy to be done and because you, as a person in the world, want to do the work.

I was never very impressed with my education courses at Simpson. No offense to the professors, I just didn't enjoy them and, to be honest, was bored out of my mind. I thought it all juvenile and obvious, so I didn't really listen and didn't really learn. Now, here I am in the classroom, and feel totally lost. I'd always operated under the impression that if the less-smart-than-me people in my class could be successful-enough teachers who got by in the real world with minimal effort, I could be a slightly-more-successful teacher who got by in the real world also with minimal effort. But life isn't about getting by and meeting others' requirements...it's about doing justice to your work for yourself, simply because the work that you do is worthy because you do it. And it's about being willing to put in more time for it because it's worth it.

Seriously, I know this sounds really obvious to people, but this is a huge break-through for me. Realizing that I should think about what I'm going to do tomorrow in the class I'm subbing in, because that would be good for the students and easier for me, isn't something that comes intuitively. Intuitively, I want to just wing it all the time.

So, the world's requirements shouldn't matter. Meet them, don't meet them, surpass them, or leave them in the dust. Do whatever, but do it on your own for yourself, not because someone's telling you to.

The other thing I've realized is that I feel very contained by this life in the classroom all day. It really separates my job from my life outside of my job, which is something I don't particularly like. And it's also sort of claustrophobic to the soul, if you know what I mean. I've been increasingly more and more turned off from this city-life thing, and more drawn to a slower, more intentional life....I'm just realizing that I don't fit in here. Something isn't quite right, but I'm sure making a good swing at it.

I just wonder if the students who go to this high school know that their lives aren't real--at least, this isn't what I'd call life. These students going to school then immediately going and hanging out at the mall? I'm not kidding, this isn't from a movie; I heard it today. That's not life...that's riding on society's urban-sprawl-vomit. (ps--look up photos of "urban sprawl". there's some good ones in there...)

And I'm not claiming I know what life is. All I do know is that life, and by life I mean a life closer to Christ and His Gospel, is much more accessible and easier to find in this neck of the woods than that one.

What's the Point?

2009-09-13T09:26:00.000-05:00

I'm always pretty discouraged and slightly depressed in the mornings. I'd much rather stay up very late and get a lot done, and then wake up at 8:30 or so every morning. I don't think that's a character flaw, although I am aware that "early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise." I don't really care about being wealthy, but two out of three isn't bad. Maybe I should start going to bed earlier.

Regardless, I got a ton of sleep last night, and I would like to update you that I finally did change my sheets (from the last blog!), so thanks for the motivation!

I sometimes wonder what the greater impact on society is of me living here. I know that an extra body doing hospitality is great, and an extra body at vigils is great, and me not taking up a single apartment somewhere in Des Moines leaves it open for other people, but other than that, what's the point? I sometimes simply struggle to see the benefit of things people do.

This struggle started with me when I was in high school. I didn't see the point of our student council. I didn't know what the point was of stressing ourselves out and having lots of meetings and keeping a record book...and yet, I participated anyways. I let the culture of the school, and my overwhelming desire to feel involved, loved, and needed, determine that I would be involved in something in which I saw absolutely no outside impact. I guess the impact, in retrospect, is leadership skills for those involved for later in life, but I can't say that I've made good, world-changing use of those skills anyways.

I witnessed the same thing with sororities on campus. There was one in particular that I seriously thought about joining, and they asked me a couple three times to join. I ended up not doing it, simply because, although I loved the girls, I couldn't see the point. What do you, and what does the outside world, gain from this? Aside from the one philanthropic event each semester, I saw no point.

That brings me back to here. I sometimes don't really see a point. I have to remind myself that I need to talk to others about what I'm doing--to show them that there is a different way of living. For me, however, teaching by modeling is way more effective than verbally. I like to show people through my actions that this way of living is better, lighter on the earth, and makes more sense.

So, I'm going to try and connect to the outside world and get our name out there, but other than that, let me just share with you a goal that I've had for a while in life. I'd really like to start a program that takes inner-city kids to farms and nature areas outside of cities for extended periods of time. Sort of as a camp/ rehab thing. I don't know much about it, but I think it could be a very powerful thing. Just like taking rural kids to the city can be life-changing, taking city kids to the rural areas could do the same. Experiences are what changes lives, not books or conversations. Hands-on experience. I'd love to run an organic farm or something like that, and have the labor on the farm be those inner-city kids all summer. They'd come for a month or a summer, and we'd develop them and do Bible studies or small groups. That's something that's always in the back of my head, and something I definitely plan on doing once I'm a little older, a little more knowledgeable about the world, and a little more connected to know how to go about doing it.

Have a great Sunday!

Work It.

2009-09-11T11:51:00.000-05:00

Do you like my re-formatting of my blog? I must admit that I enjoy it. It brings me pleasure. I didn't mind spending a few minutes doing that, because I can see a physical change, and I think it improved the blog's feel a lot. For now, at least. I'll probably change it up again in a few months. It's like re-arranging your room every so often, which I think I'm due for. Also probably due for changing the sheets....

Work. Let's talk about this. Here's my day so far: I went to a coffee shop and did a little reading/socializing this morning, followed by having breakfast with a couple of friends. I just finished speaking about the Catholic Worker at a class downtown. So, here I am. I have to work at the House at 3. I'm tired. My mind isn't functioning as I'd prefer it to. Why? Because I don't have anything that someone is telling me to do right now. I don't have to be on point, so I'm not going to be.

I frustrate myself so much. I have, however, been doing some reading about the philosophy of work. I've been reading a piece a housemate of mine gave me written by Pope John Paul II. It's good stuff. It's dense, but I like it. I mostly like it because I'm reading it for myself and for no one else. And I'm reading it because I'm interested in learning about this, and I, as a person, need to understand this a little more to feel worth and value. My favorite part so far? "Man was not created for work. Work was created for man." Wow.

Is the work that you do worthy if it has no outside result? For example, is it worthy for me to spend my time taking pictures of things, only to keep all those pictures to myself? Or does work have to have an outside consequence to be considered worthy?

I guess it depends who is giving it worth.

I'm reading a book by Donald Miller right now called "Searching for God Knows What." He talks a lot about finding worth from God, instead of finding it from a jury of peers. I guess that connects to this perfectly. If God gives it value, it doesn't matter what happens to the work in the world. But if you're looking for encouragement and acceptance from your peers, then you need to share it with others and get value that way.

So, my frustration right now with myself is that I'm not sure what I want to do with these three hours. I have a bunch of things I need to do, but I don't feel like doing them. I feel like sitting around and staring into space. Is it OK to have days like that? We're humans, not machines. To be honest, I feel like taking a day to focus on what I'm doing and go slowly about my work. Slowly and intentionally. And trying to wrap my mind around what I'm doing in the greater context of the world and God's mission for us. And God's mission for me. Sometimes I get so tunnel-visioned about life, I forget to think about the outside consequences and things related to what I'm doing. I just check things off my list, but don't really think about what they are or why they're important.

I'm so damned American. Fast-paced, ready-to-go, needing immediate results, and unable to make my own decisions.

Let's Fix It.

2009-09-10T09:18:00.002-05:00

Very early in my time here at the Worker, another member of my community and I were discussing what we, as a community, should do with the fourth house of the DMCW's that we were going to acquire in August. I had mentioned that we should do some sort of hospitality for homeless families. In Des Moines there is only one shelter where families can stay, and they often have to turn people away because they're full. Therefore, family hospitality would be a good thing.

I think I mentioned it to her something like this: "We should do family hospitality. You know, get them in, do some intentional work with them to get them back on their feet, and then send them on their way." I think that sounds great in the greater context of social service work. I work with a homeless youth non-profit, and the area I see as lacking is a constant mentorship and guiding in social skills and navigating the resources available. Therefore, if we have the family readily available to us, we can do some hard-core tutoring to help them get shaped up and ready to go.

She immediately responded that, while family hospitality sounded nice, it's always dangerous to get the mentality that you're going to "fix" someone.

I've thought about that a lot ever since this conversation, which probably occurred in January or February. I've finally realized my fallacy. I always wondered why we aren't trying to fix people. Don't we want people to be functioning members of society who contribute and are comfortable and happy?

Sure. But I think the Catholic Worker version of that is to create a new society, one where they don't have to strive and work hard to be accepted. That society is here right now, and it meets in our living room four days a week. And, in reality, meets every day in our backyard. It's meeting in our backyard right now, as I am annoyed that a guy is sitting back there, but then I have to realize that that is what our yard is for. These people are just looking for somewhere where they are accepted and not pushed out the door. We won't tell you to get off of our property--because our property is your property. Come on in.

Likewise, we as Catholic Workers are fighting the greater society's version of acceptance, worth, values, and morals. We're striving for a new society, one where people are before profits, where everyone loves everyone else, and where we all live as equals.

So really, we're trying to break down this system. Then why would we try to help people re-integrate into it? It's like using a word in the definition of that word. It's circular. Instead of trying to fix you to fit back into an impossible mold, let's break the mold and make it so we all fit. So there's no mold.

We do have some fixing to do. But it's not the people that need fixing. It's a philosophy.

That's How it Should Be

2009-09-06T17:08:00.003-05:00

As you know, I work part-time, and by "part-time" I mean very part-time, at Iowa Homeless Youth Centers in their Street Outreach location. I love it. Getting to wander the streets and meet people, spreading the word about us, getting kids what they need immediately, building relationships. It's wonderful.

For example, let me enlighten you about my shift thus far (yes, I'm working right now, but this is totally contributing to our work in Des Moines): I met a couple of homeless kids on the corner and directed them to our center; I wandered along the river and saw the results of a few homeless beds, as well as met a couple of people I know from the Worker; I witnessed a Hindu (we think) wedding celebration outside Embassy Suites, and talked to a nice woman named Cynthia about what was going on; and now I'll be heading to a youth's apartment to check in on her.

What a life.

And I work with wonderful people. Seriously--this team is so dedicated and loving. They care about the youth and really want to help them, but also aren't afraid to dish out the discipline that some of these kids never had growing up. Sometimes you need structure like that, and we try to give everyone what they need to succeed (I hate that that rhymes, by the way).

Every Thursday we have a staff meeting, and it takes place at 5:30, after the average work day has concluded. After that, we have a drop-in meal for the youth and their families, where we have food, games, classes, activities, and the like. I rarely stay after the meeting to spend time with the kids, generally because Thursday is my only night without something planned, and I like to enjoy it myself or with some friends, drinking coffee and going to shows.

I should stay, though, so I can get to know these kids a little more. I justify it away by saying that I'm also at the Worker, so I get to know those people really well, which is more or less true.

However, our Resources Coordinator, the guy who writes our grants for us, stays every week until 8 or 8:30. What a guy. This is a guy with a family and a life outside of here. And yet, he stays every Thursday way past the working day just to get to know our youth. Talk about credibility. This guy really knows our kids, and really knows the needs, and really knows how to help them. That's got to help him a lot in his leadership position in the agency as well.

And you know the beautiful thing about it? He's not doing it because he should in order to increase his credibility. He's doing it because he wants to. He actually cares about these youth. And that's why he's in the right profession.

That's something that has always bothered me about people who try to help the poor by doing big, important things; like writing books, changing policy, or doing advocacy. How can you know what needs to be changed if you don't know them? Being totally removed from the hands-on world and being immersed in the administrative world really cuts down your credibility about the position you're in, I think. How can you have a clear vision of what your agency needs to do if you don't know the problems on a personal basis?

It's like a person who works for the United Way who's never volunteered before. Or a person who works for Habitat for Humanity that's never worked on a house or met a person who moved into a house. Or like a person who writes books about marine biology who lives in the Midwest. C'mon.

So, a guy who's worked for IHYC for nine years who still spends time with the kids we serve, getting to know them and their struggles: that's how it should be.

Vertical Farms

2009-09-05T18:02:00.003-05:00

I really think our world is getting ridiculous. Do people not think, or am I thinking too much? Am I not "with the times" or are the "times" getting out of control? One thing I know for sure...this farm girl isn't cut out for the big city life. I'm living it up right now, but this isn't my final destination. I picture myself in 15 years sitting on a porch swing on the huge wrap-around porch on my farm house, watching the sunset and listening only to the sounds of locusts, toads, and cicadas; watching the stars come out, pondering my own existence, while my dogs frolic in the yard during the oncoming dusk.

That said, I'd like to share with you an article that I read in Think Magazine today. This is a sort of old issue, so I'm sorry if y'all are up on your Think articles...I'm a little behind, it seems. Here's the link: http://www.thinkdsm.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=430:farming-grows-up&catid=44:strive&Itemid=41

This article is about the "revolutionary" farming that experts are thinking will save humanity. Instead of farming traditionally, in the way that has sustained us as long as we've lived so far, we're going to farm up, meaning skyscraper farms. And instead of using soil, they're going to use a system that "cultivates plants in a nutrient solution rather than soil, which uses fertilizer and recycled wastewater for full nutrient replenishment."

Really? Skyscrapers to grow things on?

I'm pretty skeptical of this. Really, I'm skeptical of anything that goes against the way the world was created to function. I think plants were meant to grow in soil, not a "nutrient solution," no matter how good it sounds. Likewise, I think we were meant to not do as much during our day so we can get 8 hours of sleep, instead of doing so much we only get 4, then taking pills to make up for the difference in energy level.

Why am I the only person this makes sense to? Or does it make sense to others, but they just don't say anything? Why is society growing so quickly it doesn't realize the detriment to itself that it is becoming?

I guess if our world is going to expand so much that we need to do this or we'll starve, it's a good solution. But how about this? Let's stop worrying so much about "growth," and "production," and "progress," and start treating our earth well. Let's stop worrying about making profits and start promoting good stewardship of the limited resources that we have. This earth is a blessing to us, and it's ours to change and work, but not rape and pillage.

I'm not looking forward to having my skyline changed by stacks of "nutrient solution."

Psalm 131

2009-09-02T23:10:00.003-05:00

As I was going to bed last night, I laid down and, as most people, reviewed my day and my life in minute detail. Ok, not really minute detail, but definitely thought about some pretty fundamental things about my life and who I am and what the hell I'm doing with the life that was given to me.

I've thought a lot about who I am and what drives me, and also thought a lot about what God wants me to be doing versus what the world says I should be doing.

I've always believed that my parents raised my sisters and I to be kind, contributing citizens who live good lives and are kind to those around them. I always used to think to myself, "Well, my parents are really great people who didn't really create a whole lot of change in the world, aside from raising three really good daughters who are well-equipped to create change in the world." And I do want to do that. I want to be the change that my parents set me up for. I've been blessed with the ability to see outside of a certain frame, although I still struggle every day with that, and I think I'm well on my way to creating that change.

However, as I was laying myself down, I got to thinking about how the best way is to create that change. You sort of have to get your name and purpose out there--talk about it a lot, spread the world, make yourself be known, you know, good P.R. Right? That idea stresses me out, not because I can't handle it, but because it's not really intuitive to me. I'd rather be behind the scenes, working with my hands and having no one really know who did it.

So, I crack open my Bible, which is something I do much less often than I should, and read the next Psalm on the list--131. Let me just type this out for you (I love typing, p.s.):

God, I'm not trying to rule the roost. I don't want to be king of the mountain. I haven't meddled where I have no business or fantasized grandiose plans.

I've kept my feet on the ground. I've cultivated a quiet heart. Like a baby content in its mother's arms, my soul is a baby content.

Wait, Israel, for God. Wait with hope. Hope now; hope always!

Talk about humility. I'm not saying I'm humble--I wish I were, but then I don't think I'd be able to say that I am, without no longer being humble. Regardless, how does a Christian life like that, one of humility and waiting on the Lord, connect with a life in the business world of go-go-go and building yourself up to get yourself noticed? Can it? And how does a humble life like that create the change that is so necessary in our world?

The future is always sort of unknown for me. I more subscribe to the belief that you should just wait for something to come along, or wait for God to tell you the next step, instead of trying to plan your whole life and then get it foiled. I had a good friend, however, who implied to me that waiting meant that I wasn't taking control of my own life. He implied that I was only waiting for someone else in the world to tell me what to do--like an institution, a job, or a school.

I beg to differ. I think waiting means that you're giving control over to the one who made you. It says "wait for the Lord" so many times in the Bible. Now, I have no doubt that if you feel a calling in your heart, that's the Lord telling you to stop waiting and start doing. However, I also don't think you should just "do" because you're tired of waiting. A Christian life necessitates patience and trust...both things I need to work on a little.

"Would you like a flier on health care?"

2009-08-25T13:26:00.002-05:00

That's a phrase that we say every Tuesday, between 11:30 and 12:30 in downtown Des Moines as we vigil in front of Wellmark Blue Cross Blue Shield. It's all a part of our campaign to end health insurance profits and to gain health care for all.

But enough about that. This blog isn't about the flier--it's about the people refusing to take the flier.

I experience soooo many people who just refuse to take any flier or piece of paper from anyone. They don't want their comfortable lives interrupted. They're happy, so they just avoid the fact that others are unhappy.

Why is this? How have we created a society that only wants to be concerned with itself? Why are we only concerned with ourselves, our jobs, and our families? Why have we allowed this to happen? This isn't humanity--this is mechanics. It's like we're robots, only concerned with productivity and profits.

We've managed to be so productive that we've created such a comfortable society that people don't care about people anymore. They don't want to be broken out of their shells and forced to interact with the world as it really is. They want to interact with the part of society that affect them, so when they hear about people dying from MS or being killed by carside bombs in Iraq, it doesn't matter. "It's not my problem." What a horrible attitude.

I think it's your problem because we're all members of the same humanity, and we should be striving towards a world that looks like God would want it to look like. We pray "Thy Kingdom come," for a reason--God's Kingdom means that we care about others, and that means care about the concerns and struggles of others--those we know, and especially those we don't know.

So, it's true that we've created a comfortable society where we don't have to worry or work very hard (some of us, that is). However, we've been so productive that eventually it will be our downfall. When one person's life comfort level raises, likely another one's falls. Eventually, the discomforts of those in the lower class will outweigh the comforts of those in the upper class, and something will have to change.

We've been so self-centered and so focused on creating a great life that we've lost all knowledge of what life really is.

Life is about caring about those around us, working toward something besides a flat screen T.V., and creating the Kingdom on earth.

"They"

2009-08-24T10:59:00.002-05:00

I've been fighting this thing for the last 23 years. It's that over-arching image and picture of "them." You know, the benevolent, all-knowing System that controls us all and does what is best for everyone. "I think 'they're' going to put in a new road." "I wish that 'they' would fix this societal problem." Who are "they"? I believe that I was raised to believe that "they" know what "they're" doing with this System, so I should just trust and deal with things as they come. Perhaps everyone is raised that way, and it takes a lot of personal thinking and discerning to figure out that that's not necessarily true. Regardless, it's really hard for me to break out of this thought pattern--that I have the ability to control the world around me, that my opinions matter just as much as "theirs" do, and that I can do "big" things with just as much validity as anyone else.

So, I try to think about this world more like, "What would I do if there were no System telling me what to do? Or not telling me what to do?" What needs to be done? Just do it. It's hard, though, to remind yourself that things are the way they are simply because someone just like you decided that they should be. And that means that you can change them to how you want them just as easily. There's no World Police making sure everyone's doing the right thing, and there's no one watching everyone else's actions to make the whole world work. It just works on its own. So just because something isn't being done doesn't mean someone tried it and it failed, or the System said no, it's likely because no one's tried it--so you should!

Sorry, I know that was sort of vague, but it's mostly just a reminder for myself.

The second half of this blog pertains to those working in the System. There are a lot of organizations that accept donations in the form of money in order to keep functioning. They encourage people to work jobs and then just donate money instead of time, because, you know, they're busy working 40-hour a week jobs and they "don't have time to help the less fortunate."

I believe that's true, and it's true that we at the Catholic Worker wouldn't be able to do what we do without those monetary donations as well. However, I question that if you really want to help the less fortunate, why are you working in a job that perpetuates the System that is likely holding them down? All you're doing is fueling the System with your labor, then giving a portion of it back to those that it's hurting. If you really want to help them, why not remove yourself and join them? Why not work full-time on their behalf?

If you really, truly love your 9-5 job, then you can totally disregard this, because there is no doubt in my mind that some people love sitting in cubicles all day punching numbers. However, if you're doing that just to "pay the bills" and then donate a bit of that back to that kid's program that you feel really passionate about, why don't you just stop working the job you hate and start working for the kid's program? Or, if you can't financially swing that, work your 9-5 job then donate your time outside of that. Time works waaaayy more wonders than money, because it's people-strength, but it also helps you to see the people you're serving, and helps you to care about them. And I believe that every little bit helps--the more you see, the more you ever-so-slightly change your lifestyle to help them instead of hurt them.

I know it's vague.....I hope it makes sense.

Happy Monday!

Think About It

2009-08-20T08:36:00.002-05:00

There seems to be a lot of controversy about an op-ed piece that John Mackey, founder and CEO of Whole Foods, wrote in the Wall Street Journal about health care.

He wrote a lot about how we need less government control and a more competitive market. Personally, I think the competitive market of the insurance companies is what got us where we are right now. He thinks we need higher deductible insurance policies and less control of what insurance companies must or must not cover. The entire problem with all of this is that some people just have no choice--they cannot afford a health insurance policy, they have bad health already, or they cannot work, for whatever reason. I've found that most of the people who oppose universal health care do so because they honestly don't believe that health care is a human right. Honestly. Wow. See the rest of his article here: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB20001424052970204251404574342170072865070.html.

Regardless, this blog is less about health care and more about Whole Foods, and other places like them. Huge "organic" food markets have become the fad as of late. I don't necessarily doubt that Whole Foods is actually providing you with "organic" food, but I do doubt that it's helping the small farmer or producer. As grocery stores like these get larger, they have to have larger companies supplying them; and as the production for companies expands, their morality in business practices and in regard to the environment goes down. They do whatever they have to do to fill the demand--because, let's be honest, for most of these people, it's about the money, not the pure simplicity of small farming. They want to make profits off of providing what the market desires right now--organic--and they will do whatever they have to to do it. That means shutting out small farmers, possibly lying about their own business practices, and all in all pimping out the organic label.

It's a fad, and I really wish that these uppity suburban folks would realize that a grocery store is not the place to get decent food. They should become members of CSAs, they should directly talk to the people they get their food from, and then they'll know for sure that it's good, ethical, and as healthy as possible.

Food, Inc. discusses how removed we are from our food. Most Americans have no idea where what they're eating came from. And, believe it or not, food that you know where it came from tastes way better than unknown, processed mac n' cheese from Wal-Mart. And it's better for you, too.

So, think about your food. Think about where it came from. And let's try to be ethical in that way, and, in turn, it will improve our health as well.

Work

2009-08-15T00:53:00.002-05:00

I need to do some reading about the philosophy of work. Peter Maurin would probably be a good place to start. Until I get around to that, however, let me share with you a few questions that I hope I'll be able to answer with that research.

I had the opportunity to visit the Strangers and Guests Catholic Worker Farm in Maloy, Iowa, yesterday and today. It's in the very southern portion of Iowa, and the farm itself is wonderful. What with goats, chickens (who were just mauled by a fox recently: sad), a huge vegetable and herb garden, and a big loom for weaving in the living room, its attempt at being self-sufficient is gaining ground.

There's a certain value to working with your hands to earn your food for living--working the ground, growing everything you can, making what you can, and trading goods to gain the rest of what you need. However, just like I said in my last blog about "work" in our modern culture, is the point of this life to just work to stay alive? There's really no difference between working at Wells Fargo to make enough money to pay rent and buy food than working all day in your garden to grow food to eat and building your own house from scratch. Both are working all day simply to "earn a living." I mean, I guess the difference is that one is very disconnected from the actual things of this world, and the other isn't.

Are we as humans called to "more"?

I wish I could just ask God that; then this life would be so much easier, because I would know where to direct my energies.

The thing is, I know that there's value to working in the country, removing yourself from the rat race of city life, and being entirely self-sufficient. I'd love to be that way someday. However, how can you justify that life when there's still so much pain and suffering in the urban areas? Unless you're bringing people with you and teaching them that life, or doing something to engage others, what good does you moving outside of the city do for those in it? That's almost selfish.

And humans weren't made just to hunt with bows and arrows and pick berries, like the early folks likely did. We were made with brains that think, imagine, and create "progress."

And how much progress is good progress? There's no doubt in my mind that using a horse to plow a field is much more efficient and beneficial than using a hand-pushed plow. However, is using a tractor better? Think about the waste of fuel; and worse, where that fuel came from. And, ultimately, progress leads to unmanned drones in warfare, weaponry in space, and nuclear warheads. Those things aren't good. Too much progress could lead us to destroy ourselves.

So maybe progress is only good when it's done with morals in mind. Moral progress. And with checks and balances.

That's a nice, vague concept to leave you with.

Get a Job

2009-08-10T12:58:00.002-05:00

"Get a Job." Those three words pretty much define our culture, don't you think?

This past weekend, the Des Moines Catholic Workers, along with several friends from Nebraska and Minnesota, held a vigil in front of Offutt Air Force Base near Omaha, Nebraska, to commemorate the nuclear bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, as well as to draw attention to our utter ridiculousness in having and using nuclear weapons in general.

It was a good time for all of us to think, read, and spend time in the great outdoors, as well as to hear the colorful comments from those who work at the Base as they arrived at or left from work. "Go get a job, you fuckin' hippies," was probably one of the most common remarks. Our reply? "This is our job!" Which it totally is. What's more important than making sure that the human race doesn't destroy itself in its path to protect national interests and investments? Are we really willing to kill the entire planet, just to make sure that we don't get bombed or destroyed ourselves? That's cowardice.

Then today, I was walking around downtown, as I often do in the mornings, and I got to thinking about "work." So many people define their lives by their jobs. Their jobs set their schedule for their days and for their lives. Whenever you meet someone new, immediately the question is, "So, what do you do?" Not, "So, tell me about your hopes and dreams. Tell me about your family. Tell me the most important thing that has every happened to you. What's your favorite book?" These are things that tell us who a person is, much more than the fact that they work at Wells Fargo in accounts payable. Who cares?

I think what was hard about moving into the Worker is that I no longer had a job to define myself by. I wonder what would happen to the general population if they all just lost their jobs and had no prospect of getting a new one. What gets people by during unemployed periods is the knowledge that they'll get another job.

And part of me knows that we do this, defining ourselves by our jobs, because we need jobs to live. We need money. But is it really worth it if your life is your job? You're living to make enough money simply so you can keep going to work. There's got to be more to life!

So, is the pure hysteria and fear that people get when they're unemployed due to the fact that they aren't sure where their money is going to come from, or that they're terrified of having to define themselves by themselves, instead of letting Corporate America or a Job do it? That was sure my problem several months ago--I don't have school or work to define me. Who am I?

You know how I figured it out? Among other things, such as prayer and contemplation, I went back to my resume that I had made in January. Under my "objective" section, I didn't write something like, "Get a teaching job," or "Become a financial executive," I wrote, "To create around me a community of respect, comfort, learning, and passion; to motivate those around me to action; to learn all I can learn, and teach all I can teach."

Wow. I had it figured out 7 months ago, I just didn't listen to myself.

Guess it turns out that everything you're looking for and needing is inside of you already--you just have to listen to it.

Health Insurance Horrors...

2009-08-04T22:06:00.002-05:00

The Des Moines Catholic Worker has been doing a big health care campaign for the last few months. We take the stance that health care is a human right, sort of like the stance taken in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, which the U.S. signed in 1948. Thus far, we haven't really stood up to that claim.

The U.S. is all about privatization--it's capitalism, and it fuels the economy. Just like how war fuels the economy. Supposedly. However, it also very effectively denies health care to many, many people. Personally, I think it would be a much healthier (no pun intended) and much more intelligent national security measure to make sure that all of our own citizens are healthy and educated. Maybe then the next generation wouldn't make as many mistakes as we have or those before us.

The health insurance industry is not a health care institution. It is a financial institution. It's goal is to make as much money as possible, just like in all private enterprise. The way the health insurance companies do this is to make people pay ridiculously high premiums and then deny them as much care as possible.

The Catholic Workers and friends just did a civil disobedience action at Wellmark Blue Cross Blue Shield here in Des Moines, at which 9 people, including one 11-year old, were arrested. Check out these sites for more info: http://www.commondreams.org/view/2009/08/04-8 (complete with video by our very own Frankie Hughes!), http://www.afterdowningstreet.org/node/44784, http://www.desmoinesregister.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article ?AID=200990727067, and http://www.desmoinescatholicworker.org/healthcarearrests1.html.

To that end, we'd like to get a little more personal with this campaign. We've heard many horror stories of people being denied the care they deserve nationally, but has any of that happened here in our own Des Moines?

Have you tried to get something that you needed to stay healthy covered by your insurance company, only to be denied and caused to suffer more, or pay extraordinarily high costs to cover it yourself? If you have, I want to hear about it! Post on here, email me at tracy.robson@gmail.com, or call me at 515.243.0765.

Thanks for your support, and spread the word!

I think too much.

2009-08-03T08:47:00.002-05:00

Or maybe not enough.

I've written a lot about how I don't have my mind engaged half of the time. I'm not kidding. I remember times when I've been talking to someone and been deep in conversation, and then all of the sudden my mind comes back and I realize where I actually am, and wonder how I got there. It's sort of like being drunk or something.

Anyway, I think I need to do some reading about what a Catholic Worker life should look like. I'd be perfectly content to spend time with myself, reading, running, biking, enjoying life, working when I need to, and spending time with friends. And that life would be fine if I sustained it myself. However, to a certain extent, I'm living off the backs of our donors. Yes, I'm doing the hospitality and the peace and justice work that I'm told to do, but I need to remember that I don't sustain this life myself. The job that I have pays for my personal bills, like student loans and car insurance, as well as personal entertainment and things of that nature. My rent and food is paid for by other people, so I need to remember that I'm, sort of, obligated to do what they want done.

That means that my life needs to reflect the desires and hearts of those who support me. What do they want? Maybe I should survey them.

Sometimes I find that the fact that I'm paralyzed from doing things is that I don't want to step on toes. I'm always nervous about doing that--I have been since I've been a kid. I've never wanted to do anyone else's job, because I've never wanted anyone else to do mine. So, when I join an organization and I don't have a specific role as a leader in charge or as a person under a leader, I'm sort of confused as to what I should do, and as to what has already been done.

Does that make sense? When something is my creation and I'm in charge of it, I know what needs to be done and I do it. When it's someone else's baby, I don't want to take over. I want to let them do their thing, because I'd appreciate that, and I just do what they want done.

Regardless, I need to remember that my life is lived for other people, and, to a certain extent, is lived from other people. I live to serve, and I live from the service of others (financial service, that is). I'm nice and in between like that.

Just a thought for your Monday. Have a wonderful day!

Proof

2009-07-31T16:55:00.003-05:00

Just wanted to share with you a quick example of why, no matter how hard I try, I'll never live up to Jesus' example.

Yesterday a woman who comes quite often to hospitality at our house came in and asked for a pair of pants. She'd spilled on the back of hers and needed a new pair. My past experience with this woman is that she wants pretty much everything, even if she doesn't need it, and hoards a lot of stuff.

So, regardless, I grumblingly offered her a pair of pants, the entire time thinking, "Goodness, this woman always asks for stuff. I wish we could save these pants for someone who actually needs them." I'll have to admit, I even gave her the uglier of the two pairs we had that fit her, solely because I didn't think she deserved them.

God, forgive me.

Today, she comes in and immediately pulls two pairs of pants out of her bag. "I want to donate these," she says. That's it. I couldn't believe it. I hated giving her a pair yesterday, and here she is, sharing what she has with those who need it most.

What? Ok, God, You're right. You proved me wrong again.

Two pairs of pants for the price of one? We even came out better in this deal.

Once again, proof that the people around here are like family. They don't just take and take--they want to give as much as they're able, and often they're more willing to give than we even are.

Thanks, God.

Is It Really That Easy? Remix.

2009-07-31T11:43:00.002-05:00

It's been a better week than last week. I've become much more content with what I'm doing, and much more accepting to the idea that this could be a long-term thing. I applied for a teaching job, which, at the time I applied for it, was really a desperate cry for help from the feeling of drowning in my own life. I later received the job and turned it down, because I realized that the real purpose and intent of me being here at the Worker is to be a Catholic Worker, not a teacher at a Catholic school. I'm not even Catholic. And being a Catholic Worker isn't just about working and biding your time the rest of the day--it's about integrating philosophy and purpose into all of your actions throughout the day. My life and my job are one and the same, at least for now. I live and breathe Catholic Worker, or at least I try my very best.

And so, the "easy" part here comes with the answer to the question below:

How do I make myself happy with the work that I'm doing?

Previously, I was overwhelmed by this lack of motivation. No one was telling me to do anything, so I wasn't doing anything. Instead of looking for work to do or thinking outside of the box, I was looking to other people for direction and only paying attention to things that put themselves into my line of vision or attention span. I could very well blame this on my schooling or parents, but likely the culprit is me. And I can't believe it's taken me until age 23 to realize this.

I was never good at critical thinking. You wouldn't know that from my grades--I rocked in school. It was because someone else set a goal for me and told me how to achieve it. I'm good at that. I was always told what to do. I wasn't taught how to think critically, so I didn't really think critically. And I figured that was something that I had to be taught.

You see, if you're a person who's always been able to think outside the box, you don't realize that some people need to be taught to think outside the box. If you've always thought critically, you don't realize that some people think they need to be taught to think critically. If you think critically, you think everyone else should be able to do the same. I wasn't taught to really think for myself very well, nor to think critically about the world around me and make connections. I figured someone had to tell me how to do that. That's the assumption if you were never taught it. But, suddenly, I realized that I can just figure this out for myself. Why don't I just start thinking critically? Why don't I just keep my mind engaged for more than 10 minutes? Why don't I actually try to make connections between what I hear and read and see, and try to make it all make sense?

Gosh, if I'd done this in school, I'd probably have a perfect SAT score. And to think that I never really engaged my mind in school and still ended Summa Cum Laude. What the hell. I feel bad. The mind really is a strange thing.

So, for the time being, as I try to figure out my direction, here's what I've determined myself to do. Being a Catholic Worker is, currently, my full time job. So, why don't I commit myself to it? Work it 40 hours a week. Commit time each day to it. Instead of waking up and only following orders, make your own orders. Come up with your own versions of CW activism to follow. Start doing your own thing and following your own heart.

It's easy because, if I had done this 6 months ago, I'd probably still be dating the greatest guy I've ever met. If I would have had the mental capacity to realize that I should make decisions for myself (which may not seem like a big break-through, but really is for me), I might have had a much more meaningful start to my life in Des Moines.

It's a good feeling to have the self-drive and determination to have self-directed work. It's good to know that I'm not really relying on anyone but myself to tell me what to do. If I can get this under my belt and keep living this way, I'll be set for life. And whether I'm employed or not, I'll be happy, content, motivated, and in control.

It's a great feeling to be able to rely on yourself.

De-Institutionalization...

2009-07-25T12:44:00.003-05:00

...is hard.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I have no idea why, but my mind has been totally overwhelmed with this feeling of loneliness, loss, confusion, and loser-ish-ness. I know I'm not a loser, I have many friends and family around me. Yet, I really want to withdraw, spend all of my time thinking and reading and writing, and don't feel like doing anything else.

Why?

Yes, my boyfriend and I broke up 3 weeks ago. It's still hard. But this has nothing to do with him. On the contrary, I think we broke up because I was going through this, not the other way around. I'm fairly discontent with my life right now. I feel lost. I know that this would be better if I just "got a job" and went on with my life. The problem with that? That's just letting society and the institution we live in dictate what I'm going to be doing. I find that I need someone else to tell me that what I'm doing is good, worthy, and right. I need to work through this so I get value out of what I'm doing on my own. I also need to work through this so that I'm myself, no matter what institution I'm in. Because right now, I'm definitely not the "myself" that I have been for the past 23 years.

Life would be so much easier if I didn't have to think about this all the time. To be honest, my mind hasn't been engaged and I haven't struggled, really, at all in my life. I haven't gone through anything really difficult, except for this right now, and I've thrived. I'm awesome in the System. I can be myself and love my life and do it without really thinking. But is that really life? It's too easy.

When I was in high school I tried out for the Iowa All-State Chorus. I'm going to be honest, it wasn't that hard, and I made it in easily. Therefore, the next year I decided to try out for the band instead. I already knew I could do the choir; I needed a challenge.

This is like a big, much more difficult, version of that. I already know I can live this life, be happy, be successful, and be simply content for my entire life. Is that what I'm called to do? Or am I called to think about this life more, think about what I'm doing, who I am, why I'm doing it, and why I am who I am? Or should I just tell my mind to shut up?

Sometimes I want to, but unfortunately, I think I need to de-institutionalize myself. The institution of society tells me what to do and gives me value and worth. And I thrive in it easily. Can I thrive without it? Look at what Wikipedia says about institutions:

"In a corporate context, individuals who work within large established organisations can become socialised into organisational values and norms, and values and norms may become institutionalised. It has been suggested by some writers that such supportive structure and routines may in some cases lead to a narrowing or reduction in individual critical judgement and reasoning. This accepting mental outlook, can lead to oversight and slowed reaction to changes outside the organisation, thus hindering adaptation to new circumstances."

and

"Many of these organizations, whilst originally expressing idealistic aspirations and aims, became "total" institutions within a generation or two of their foundation, providing in some cases cradle to grave housing, occupation and social control. Founding charters usually proclaimed beneficial outcomes of "reform" (or rehabilitation ) of character through moral and occupation education and discipline, but in practice inmates were often trapped in a system that provided no obvious route of escape or promotion. Jean-Jacques Rousseau wrote in his opus The Social Contract that "Slaves lose everything in their chains, even the desire of escaping from them: they love their servitude". Institutionalisation is a similar process."

And it's true. I don't really want to escape these chains, but I know my mind won't be used to its full capacity, this life won't be lived to its full ability, and I won't be the full person I can be, until I lose these chains. I'm terrified to drop them.

Reflections

2009-07-12T08:55:00.003-05:00

I worked for Street Outreach last night, and I had a few observations that I wanted to share with you. Working with the homeless is always a learning experience, no matter how long you've done it. If you keep your mind engaged and actually listen to the people you're working with, you're bound to learn something new every time.

One of the youth I met last night graduated high school from a little town 20 minutes from my hometown. The towns are very similar, so it's like I met someone from my town living on the streets. When you actually think about that, and picture someone you graduated high school with living on the streets, that really makes you think. These kids really are no different than us. Not at all.

I find myself, as much as I try not to, talking to these people differently than I talk to my friends. I thought about that a lot with this youth, because, if he were a volunteer who'd graduated from a town near my high school, we'd have normal conversation. But since this kid is one of my clients, I find that I keep myself guarded. Why? Because he's potentially dangerous? Chances are he's done the same things as any volunteers we have, the difference is that he got caught for the illegal activity, while those on the upper tiers of society get away with it.

I find that I do the same thing here at the house. One of the live-in volunteers went to a movie with a couple of our guests last night, and that's something I'd never do. It's unsafe, right? Because they're street people. False. Chances are it's just unappropriate for a single, 20-something volunteer to ask a couple of 40-something men to a movie regardless of the situation, but I'm really happy that the male volunteer did that. It made me think a lot. No matter how many times I remind myself, these are just normal people.

I've found myself feeling hopeless and discouraged a lot lately. Likely it has to do with the break-up, but it's been great because now I know what these people feel like a lot of the day. Being unemployed, which I sometimes feel like I am because the work I'm doing I'd do as a volunteer, it's hard to get yourself motivated. Sometimes the only thing that helps me is a shower and working a meaningful job. Many homeless and low-income people don't have either of those things.

And my level of hopelessness has got to be so much less severe than many street people. I have money, friends, a car, a house, and many, many resources at my fingertips. They have nothing. How do they even start to pick themselves up, when it's so much easier to sit at the banks of the river and drink until you pass out? It's really underestimated the amount of depression that comes along with homelessness. I'm depressed sometimes, and I'm not homeless. I'm just amazed at the stamina and work ethic of these people sometimes.

One last thing that has nothing to do with working at Street Outreach--I spent all day yesterday working on a computer. I felt like I wasted the whole, sunny, nice day because I wasn't outside. I just wanted to let you know that: 1. I'd never be able to work in an office cubicle. 2. I'm very lucky that I get to spend all the time outside that I want to. I underestimate that because it's much easier to complain when you can't have something than it is to enjoy the things you do have.

Have a great Sunday!

Is It Really That Easy?

2009-07-07T08:58:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking a lot today about that whole "driven" thing, and it was really giving me a lot of anxiety earlier today. I started to think a lot about my future, and what I'd like to do after I eventually leave the Catholic Worker, and I got really down on myself and really hopeless. I started to lose meaning in what I'm doing right now, and didn't realize the value in anything I'm doing.

Eventually I broke down and asked God for help. A constant prayer I had during high school and college was that God would take me and use me however, and help me to be OK with that. That I would be able to be His hands and feet, and that He'd just let me know what I needed to do. I've never really thought much about my future, but opportunities came up and they just felt right. I've never forced it, and I've been content the whole time.

I'm not content right now, at least ten minutes ago I wasn't. But right after I prayed, this peace came over me and I realized that I don't need to be worrying about this right now. God will provide. Since I don't feel like I need to go somewhere else, this is where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing. Don't plan your future, because God will mess it up.

So, I guess I'm just learning a huge thing about trust. It's hard, but God definitely gives peace and content-ness. Don't try to do it on your own, because you'll fail and it'll be hard.

Speaking of being hard--is life supposed to be hard? Because I feel like it's hardest when I'm not with God. Does He make it easy, or just possible? Does having things be hard make you a better person? Things are much harder when I think too much about my life and where it's headed. So, am I living in ignorant bliss or trusting the Lord?

I'm late for a meeting.

The Results of a Prayer Walk

2009-07-06T07:17:00.002-05:00

Good morning!

This is very unlike myself, but I got up at 6:15 today and went on an hour-long walk, just praying and reflecting on my life. It was wonderful. This city is very peaceful that early in the morning, and I managed to walk to the river and watch the sunrise, where it was much easier for me to feel the love of Christ.

The good news, first off: the Lord has been amazing to me. Sometimes I don't think He's listening or caring at all, but other times I just want to fall on my knees in grateful thanksgiving. He's always there, I just am really good at ignoring Him sometimes.

During my walk, I was thinking a lot about the word "driven." I had someone tell me yesterday that the relationship between us won't work unless I'm as driven as they are. They are driven in the aspect that they are self-employed, trying to create a movement on their own, and working side jobs to pay the bills. That means that they're pretty busy, and very dedicated to their work.

I thought about that a lot today, and I'm not super convinced that I'm not driven. No, I'm not driven in that aspect. I'm not a very good community organizer, but if everyone was, we'd only have community organizers and no community. We each have our own talents and use them in the ways we feel called to. I don't feel called to organize big movements, I just feel called to live among these people and figure out life from here.

And so, I'm just driven in an entirely different way. I'm driven in trying to figure out what's going on in my heart, how to live in intentional community, and how to deal with the fears of my heart. I'm driven in trying to figure out how to manage my time well, how to make ends meet, and how to live a life unligitimized by the world. It's a lot harder than it sounds, especially for me--the person who was so unhappy in high school that she threw herself into a lot of activities to get away from the thoughts in her head. I continued doing that in college, and it's only now that I'm finally dealing with those things I left on the back-burner 8 years ago. That's a lot of built-up stuff that I'm still trying to process through with the free time the Lord has granted me--the free time that gives me anxiety and makes me feel like a loser and a low-life sometimes.

The other thought I had while walking is that I'm not sure how dedicated my heart is to this work right now. I desire for my heart to be fully committed to this work, and to improving this community as the Lord sees fit, but I'm not sure where I stand on that right now. When I moved in here, I had a boyfriend that I dedicated a lot of time to. He had a lot of free time, and I allowed my free time to be with him. Now that I don't have that boyfriend, I find myself wondering what to do with that free time and where to place my heart. The problem with that relationship is that my heart was with him, and his heart was on his work. Now that I can't put my heart on him, I have to put it back on my work, which is probably where it should have been in the first place.

It's hard for me to put work before people, but that makes me wonder if I'm dedicated to my work at all. And it makes me wonder if I should be. Isn't this life about relationships? But we should also feel called to do good in the Lord's name, so how can those two be reconciled? I guess we just have to find a balance.

So, is my heart fully here? I finally prayed for the first time that it would be. I definitely don't feel my heart being anywhere else except here, but I don't know that it's fully here. I don't feel called to anything else right now, which makes me think that the Lord wants me here right now. It's tough because I started coming to the Catholic Worker as a volunteer who did it on the side, and now it's hard to realize that it's my full-time thing. This is my life. It's not a side project. This is the whole thing.

And it's hard. It'd be much easier to run. And sometimes I really want to, but the Lord just won't let me.

God, help me to be dedicated to the work You've placed before me, and help me to know that it's where You want me to be right now. This is my life.

Amen.

Finding Worth

2009-07-02T08:56:00.002-05:00

I'm part of an online Bible study through Galatians with a bunch of people working for YouthWorks this summer. We're talking about being apostles and being sent by God. Below is the reply I sent to the group, followed by a little more just for y'all :)

I'd like to focus for just a second on "being sent". You're totally right when you say that everyone is just waiting to get done with what they're doing and on to the next thing. I'm struggling with this right now as I try to integrate into a Catholic Worker community in Des Moines, Iowa. I love it, don't get me wrong, but it's hard to personally justify the work that you do when a lot of the world says you're crazy. It's hard to feel accomplished when there's no System telling you you're accomplished. It's solely the knowledge that you're doing the work of Christ and you're sharing Christ with your life that can get you by.

So, from time to time I find myself thinking of what my next step is, whether it's grad school, getting a job, or whatever. And I can't wait to get there. I can't wait for this self-imposed 1 1/2 years to be over so I can get on with my life. Because this is hard, trying to justify this as my job when it's not really a job. And so I find myself justifying it by saying I'll be happy once I do get a real job, or get into a system that says I'm successful again, with a resume and a paycheck and an "employee of the month" plaque.

But I'm pretty sure I'm sent here. Whenever I ask God what the next step is, God replies that this is the step, and I have to work through my own personal stuff before anything bigger can happen. Because this is big--finding worth in yourself and realizing that you're sent by God, no matter what the world thinks of you.

And sharing the love of Christ, one conversation at a time.

And so, I was thinking about this while I was getting ready this morning. I honestly think I do find worth in my life. I get pleasure out of it, I know it's what I should be doing, and I love it. And I hope that it makes God smile.

However, I think the hardest part of living here is that I have a lot of free time. This community only takes up about 25 hours a week, tops, so I have the rest of the week to spend time doing whatever I want to do. And I do get pleasure out of what I'm doing, but I also find myself thinking that I'm wasting a lot of valuable time by not-working another job. You see, I get pleasure and worth out of that which is justified and supported by a system, albeit an unorganized system like the DMCW.

However, I find it hard to justify and call those things I do on my own to deepen myself as a person, like reading or prayer, practicing guitar, working in our community garden, or working around the house, as my job and calling. No one's telling me to do them, and no one's telling me that I'm right in doing them. I rock at allowing myself to be bossed around and controlled by those around me. I suck at making my own decisions. I'd much rather just be told what to do my whole life, then act out from that, than try to act for myself from the git go. It's much easier.

So, I need to work on finding worth in my personal time, and knowing that I'm doing good by deepening myself as a person and by nurturing who I am and what I'm interested in. And doing it for myself, not because someone's telling me to or because I can get paid for it or get recognition for it. I need to learn to find worth in my personal work. It's hard.

It's a daily struggle. Do you think it will ever get easier? Do you think I should keep thinking about it, or will it happen on it's own without my metacognition about it?

We'll just see what the Lord does with this sometimes-unwilling servant.

So Sorry

2009-06-30T17:06:00.002-05:00

Sorry about the loooong time between posts here. For some reason, I haven't felt super compelled to write a blog lately, but I've been feeling very discouraged today, so I thought maybe this would help.

As you know, I constantly feel like I'm not doing enough good, nor am I doing enough that I feel is successful or viewed as professional in life. I'm constantly fighting an ugly version of myself that says I'm worthless and wasting my life away. Why don't I just go get a job that I can easily get value out of? It's really hard to put value on things for yourself--because you believe that what you're doing is inherently valuable, not because a company, or boss, or spouse says it is. And while it's great to have a lot of positive reinforcement, which I get here all the time, I need to teach myself to find value in myself, and to find value in what I'm doing because it's what I'm doing, and because it's what God is doing through me.

So, when I get this heavy heartedness, all I can think about is how I wish the day were over. I want a new day to start, and I want to be so busy during the day that I don't sense my own discouragement and worthlessness.

And hence, while every part of my being wants to move out of here, get a job, pay rent, become a normal citizen, be viewed as "good" because I spend my time volunteering while holding down a 40-hour-a-week job, and spread myself so thin that I can no longer see who I am, I know that's not what I'm called to do.

I thought I was supposed to move into the Catholic Worker to learn about the movement and to learn about how to be an activist. And I don't think that was wrong. But I think even more so, I was meant to move into the Worker so I can learn about myself, to learn about how I operate, to learn about what I find valuable, and to learn about how to find value in myself.

During our internship that took place a couple of weeks ago, which I will write about at a later date, Brother Eddie read about how silence is very fearful to people. We try to keep ourselves busy so we don't have to deal with the silence that surrounds the deafening chaos of our minds. I sure did that. And I've done that my whole life. Our society tells you you're being successful by keeping yourself busy, but really you're just avoiding figuring out who you are and how you operate. It's easy to feel accomplished when you're supported by a society, but it's much harder when not very many people really understand what you're doing. And it's hard when you have to convince them that the way you're living makes sense and is really what Jesus told us to do.

But really, fear is at the root of most of our problems. Just think about that.

And, believe it or not, what helped me today was a nap, followed by a cup of coffee at 5 in the afternoon. God works in strange ways.

Amen.

Morning Reflections

2009-06-15T09:44:00.004-05:00

This morning I woke up at 7:20 and went on a nice walk downtown. I had the ulterior motive of going to my other job to fill out my timecard, but I also got to just have a nice, prayerful walk in the semi-quiet of rush hour at 8 AM.

Now, I pride (and by "pride" I mean "annoy") myself on my ability to be terribly unobservant of my surroundings. I often don't notice the businesses I pass while driving down the road. It's even so bad, one time I didn't notice that my boyfriend had shaved his huge beard off until 10 minutes later.

So, I'm not terribly observant. However, I do notice other people when I'm walking down the sidewalk and they're walking in the opposite direction. I always make eye contact and try to give a "hi," "hello," or "good morning," dependent upon the time of day and my mood. I think that's just something that you should do, as a human being, when you meet other human beings on the sidewalk.

Example 1: I was walking towards downtown and was passing the college campus that's very near my house. There's a crosswalk that allows people to get from the parking lot to the other side, but there's no road, if you know what I mean, so people just push a button and wait on the sidewalk for the light to change. This young woman, about my age, pushes the button and proceeds to stand directly in my way in the middle of the sidewalk. And she doesn't look at me at all. Am I inferior because I'm walking? Am I inferior because I don't go to this college? Why are you standing right in my way? Is it because I look trashy or homeless? I don't get it.

Example 2: I was walking back from downtown and met a woman going towards downtown. She was walking pretty quickly, like maybe she was late for work. She looked at me when we were far away, so I knew she knew I was there. But, as we approached one another, she averted her eyes and suddenly became very interested in something that was going on behind me and to her right. I know she knew I was there, so why didn't she acknowledge my presence? Why didn't she even look at me?

Why is our society trained to think that people who are walking are inferior? If I can't get somewhere fast in a car, I'm less than you? Walking was God's gift to us to get us around. It's healthier, for body and mind. It's way less stressful than rush hour traffic, too.

And why is our society trained to only acknowledge people that we know? How are we ever going to meet new people if we pretend like they aren't there? Now, perhaps these two people were having horrible days. Maybe a friend or relative just died. Maybe they got in a car wreck on the way here. I realize that bad things happen and people are in bad moods. But sometimes, I think that when you're in a situation like that and all you want is to be alone, maybe the thing you need most is other people around you. Get your pleasure and happiness out of other people, and maybe they'll help you realize that the world isn't as bad as it seems.

So, in this case, what I should have done is I should have said something to them even if they didn't look at me. Even if you don't acknowledge me, I'll acknowledge you, because you're a person and you're worthy of attention.

Just a few thoughts for your Monday!

I Just Don't Know...

2009-06-11T23:38:00.002-05:00

Let me preface this by saying that I'm trying to flush out some thoughts I had on a "modern, young adult, culturally-relevant" worship service that I went to tonight. This service is full of West Des Moines young adults who, on the whole, seem to be pretty comfortable with saying they're Christian but doing nothing to show it except come to this worship service once a week.

The topic tonight was about God's concept of love, or something like that. I figured, with that title, it would be something totally cliched along the lines of "love your neighbor as yourself," but I was totally thrown off guard. It was about homosexuality.

He started by saying that God had a certain order things were set up by, scientifically, as well as relationally. He continued by talking about proper marriages in God's sight, and then slipped into the gay marriage territory. I was disappointed that he didn't acknowledge the fact that even though homosexuals can now get married in Iowa, it doesn't change anything. Gay people were already loving one another and sleeping with one another. The fact that they can now get married is solely a civil liberty issue. God probably doesn't care about the tax breaks we give or don't give to people living together.

He continued his message by saying that, even though God loves you, if you're gay, you're messing with God's normal order of things, and that will lead to trouble. So, reconciliation and love are always there for you. God wants a man and a woman to come together as one. It says man and woman in Matthew, I guess. That was his main argument.

But that love between two women or two men came from somewhere, and it's just as real as any other love. So why is one from God and one isn't?

However, there's something else that I just couldn't get off my mind tonight. I know, deep in my heart, that God loves everyone, and I don't believe that homosexuality is a sin. And it really pains me when I see a church give a sermon like this, and it terribly hurts and offends those who struggle with, or fully accept, their own homosexuality.

So, why is it that, when this church says that homosexuality is a sin, those who are homosexuals are turned away, but when this church says that over-consumption is a sin, those who over-consume do nothing to change? And why do we not tolerate love between same genders, but fully tolerate materialism?

Are these two "sins" in the same category? Maybe the love of a woman for a woman comes from the same source as a person's love of money. Love of money sure is a bad thing, and I think it messes with God's natural order. I don't think homosexual love does, but what do I know? God's the judge, not me. And that statement, "We'll all be judged on judgement day," sounds so ominous and judgement in and of itself, but I don't mean it to. In the end, I really think that those who profit off of war and killing will be judged much more harshly than those who love someone of the same sex.

I really think we shouldn't be doing the judging down here. How about we just do the loving of our neighbors and the sharing of our resources? It really would make the world a little better place to live in.

Just a thought.

Who Here Hates More Work?

2009-06-09T07:56:00.001-05:00

I've recently started the "environmentally-friendly eco-bathroom" at the Des Moines Catholic Worker, in the Dingman House. It was a challenge to get it, but we finally did. We've already started the simple "if it's yellow, let it mellow..." thing, and one of my housemates lovingly installed a water-saving shower head (thanks!). Now's the good part: gray water recycling.

My housemate unhooked a pipe underneath the sink, and we put a bucket under there, so now all the water that goes down the sink is being collected in a bucket under it. It's awesome because you can hear the sound of the water falling into the bucket, and every second it reminds you that you're saving water.

But here's the best part: I've found myself using less and less water this way, because I'm aware of how much is going down the drain, and I'm aware of how much sooner I'm going to have to empty it. That means work. But, if I use less water, I'll have to do less work.

It's the same way with the toilet: we have a little bucket at the side of the bowl for you to put your used toilet paper in, so we don't clog the drain with all that TP when we finally flush. If you use less TP each time you go, the bucket will fill up slower: that means you'll have to empty it less often!

So, I suppose what I've realized is that when your consumption is connected the amount of work you have to do for it, you'll consume less, because naturally you'll want to work less, right? We're lazy people. And don't get me wrong--I realize the value of a hard day's work, and if I could pump my own water from a well, I would. I would prefer to be connected to the fruits of my labor on the front end--either in a garden, water well, or stovetop--not the back end, by saving water after it's been used or recycling containers I shouldn't have been using in the first place. However, I think any way that we can realize the amount of work that goes into what we take for granted is a good thing. We're so disconnected from our resources right now, and we're so disconnected from real, hard, physical labor...the kind of labor God originally intended after the Fall of Man, eh?

And let me just once more touch on the issue of work. We should be getting value out of the work that we do. We should be working towards something that we believe in. If we're working solely for the sake of working, without caring about the result, what's the point? I hate that fact that many, many Americans have to work at businesses or companies that they don't care about, only to feed their families. That's not the way the world was set up, and it's not the way God intended, or intends, it to be. We need to stay connected to the work we do. If you're very passionate about painting, your painting is meant to benefit someone. If you're passionate about accounting, use it to God's glory. If you love the environment, like me, you should be working in it and working for it.

Case closed.

Privatization: Could Someone Explain It to Me, Please?

2009-06-08T09:51:00.003-05:00

Ok, the U.S. Government is waaaay into privatizing things, such as security forces in Iraq, health insurance for government employees, and the like. I'm aware that contracting things out to third parties isn't always bad, but isn't it a problem when taxpayer money is going into private industry? And the only thing coming back from that private industry is maybe a few taxes back to the government?

Why doesn't the government provide healthcare for all of its government employees, instead of contracting it out?

Why doesn't the government fight its own wars, instead of paying someone else who isn't connected to the foreign policy to do it for us?

Why is half of the security forces in Iraq and Afghanistan (250,000) in private forces?

Why was 43% of the money spent by the Pentagon in Iraq paid to KBR, a private military firm?

Why is it possible now for huge corporations with enough money to hire their own army and have their own foreign policy? Can you say "destruction of the nation-state"?

Doesn't it bother you, taxpayer, that your hard-earned money is going to pad the pockets of the CEOs of these private military firms? It's true. And I'm not even going out on a limb to say that they're getting more than their fair share (even though undoubtedly they are). Even if those CEOs were getting paid a logical amount of money, your tax-money is still going to their salaries.

And it's the same with health insurance companies; you pay your taxes as a good citizen should to support the schools that you went to and your kids go to. Your taxes are going through to government and back to a private company to pay for the health insurance of your kid's teacher. How does that make sense? And we all know that insurance companies are making huge profits off of denying care and tightening rules for getting coverage. That's no secret. So, it's just a little path that your money goes through the government and into the hands of the employees of this private company.

What's the solution? The government is the State for a reason. It's supposed to take care of us so that private industry doesn't get its greedy hands all over this country and start doing things for profit alone. We can't fix the fact that Americans think only about money, and that the profit motive drives industry. But we can get the profit motive out of places like schools, healthcare, and warfare/national security (regardless of the fact that we've already gone off the deep end in this realm). These are issues that should have nothing to do with making a buck; these are places that citizens deserve the best, no matter what it takes from the government.

Why Is This Article So Long??

2009-06-03T08:06:00.003-05:00

Our Young Activist Support Group (meetings every Tuesday at 7 PM at Berrigan House) is trying to start a book club. However, we're all poor and not sure how to get copies of books, so we decided to start with reading articles free online. The first that we read was "Is Google Making Us Stupid" by Nicholas Carr, found at http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200807/google.

First of all, the title makes me happy in and of itself. Of course it is! Google, while a very useful tool, is also very detrimental to our society. Carr's main argument is that the plethora of information available at our fingertips has begun to make it difficult for us to focus on any one thing. Since we've gained this amazing ability to scan information and get the most out of it in the quickest amount of time (blogs, news posts, Tweets), we can no longer look at something at read it in its entirety and digest it properly. We can't deeply engage with words and get lost in the world of prose and literature.

And Carr is totally right. I've had this problem for a while, that while I'm reading a real, physical book, I get distracted very easily and get bored quickly. I've never been much of a reader, but I'm trying. And it's true, when you're reading things online, you just want to get through it, not really to get it or understand it. I hate reading things online, because I don't engage near as well as when I have a hard copy.

And, just to prove Carr's point, while I was reading that article, I totally got bored halfway through and scanned to the end.

Case in point.

It Really, Truly, Isn't Fair

2009-06-01T15:18:00.003-05:00

There's a new book out, called "From a Growing Community, Iowa's Homeless Youth," and it's about the lives of the homeless youth that fill our communities and our homeless shelters. I got a pre-release copy (don't tell!), and I read the whole thing in one night; I couldn't put it down.

The idea behind the book is to share stories of homeless youth from around the area, with the idea that it would raise awareness to the issue and increase support for those going through homelessness, as well as those who work with the homeless.

So, I read the stories of nine homeless youth from Iowa, and I was reminded, once again, how really unfair life is sometimes. I was born into a wonderfully supportive family. A mom, a dad, two sisters, a home, three cars, food on the table every night, and the opportunity to participate in things after school or on the weekends. Many kids grow up in split homes, but that's just the beginning of it. Some of them witness their parents doing drugs, which only gives them the impression that it's OK and it's right, and it's the only solution to problems. Others are abused, either verbally, sexually, or physically, which also results in emotional, mental, and physical scars. These kids are not taught what a healthy relationship looks like; they aren't taught how to function in society, and they aren't taught the difference between right and wrong.

So, when we question why these people "can't get a job" or why they don't even know how to ask for help, their upbringing pretty much explains it. It's not their fault--it's the fault of the society that they've been brought up in.

And then, I think about my own life growing up, and I realize how very blessed I've been, and that only makes me want to use those blessings to help those who didn't have the opportunities that I had. Many of us go through tough times, but we should use the strengths that we gained from those tough times to connect with people who are going through the same sorts of things.

We're a community of people, and just throwing money at issues does no good. We need to be talking about things, realizing the systemic problems in the society that we participate, and defect from the system if the system isn't working. We need to create dialogue about issues, and then we need to use our resources to help change those issues.

If you want to help with this homelessness issue, a great place to start is buying one of these books. You can buy them online at www.shriekingtree.com/growingcommunity. Part of the proceeds will go to homeless shelters, but that's not the main focus--the main focus is to educate yourself on the issue, then figure out what you can do about it.

And I'm not saying that everyone will be passionate about homelessness. I am, and of course I'm biased in that direction, but we just need to stand for something. Anything. Just find something that hits close to home for you, then talk to people about it and get people to join your cause. We're a community of people, believers in God or not. Let's act like it.

And yes, because you are a member of the human race, you're your brothers keeper. God said it. Jesus did it. Let's act like it.

Communities

2009-05-27T09:43:00.003-05:00

How dedicated to a community do you have to be? What does that dedication look like? When I think about my life and I think about what my "full time" job is, it's definitely, without a shade of doubt, living at the Worker and being a Catholic Worker. However, when it actually comes down to it and I'm asked to spend more time than the "required" 20 hours a week, I wince. I cringe. I dread it. Why? I'm not sure.

I currently have my wonderful community of people at the Catholic Worker. I love them, and every day they're becoming more and more like family. However, I also have a wonderful community of young people that I have been introduced to throughout the last few months, and I love them dearly as well. Therefore, I find myself sometimes wishing when I'm with them that I could be at the Worker, and when I'm at the Worker that I could be with them. How do I balance it?

Catholic Worker communities look very different in different communities. Some, I hear, are very intense, and your only life is that which takes place at the Worker. Others, I think, are much more relaxed, and life consists of working outside to pay the community bills. Is there a right way to do it? I don't think so. I think it largely depends upon what the community members choose it to look like.

I think community living has to do the following things: nurture one another and nurture the surrounding community. I think that many Catholic Workers are good at the latter and not-so-good at the former. It's because the former takes a lot of time, and CWers are worked to the bone as it is. That's why there's a lot of intentional communities out there that focus on each other, and that's it. It's a big job to nurture relationships within the community, while also building them outside.

This is something I'm still trying to work on and trying to figure out what the best type of community is for me. What I know for sure is that I'm meant to live in community. It doesn't make sense any other way. Why would I pay more to be lonely? There just has to be a balance between work, play, friendship, and meetings.

Have a great Wednesday!

It's a Green World After All

2009-05-26T08:05:00.003-05:00

The title of this blog is what the awesome t-shirt that Mona got me for my college graduation said. I live with wonderful people, don't I? They threw me a big party for graduating college, even though technically I graduated 6 months ago, I just finally got the diploma. Regardless, it was a lot of fun.

And so, in the theme of that t-shirt that had Oscar the Grouch on it, I would like to discuss with you my feelings about the environment. Let me preface this by saying that I know my older sister is waaay more into these things than I am. She's "green" through and through, and was green way before it was cool to be green. She's my role model when it comes to this area.

In that spirit, I know that she was able to pass some of that passion for the environment along to me, and I wanted nothing more than to incorporate that into my life here at the Catholic Worker. I believe that we should be stewards to all the things given to us by God: money, people around us, and most importantly, the environment. Why? Well, good luck doing any other ministry without a functioning earth to do it in. It's my belief that God created the earth perfectly, in such a way that it would support us without us trying to do anything. We'd have to learn how to use the earth to feed us, just to get us by, but I never really understood where the whole "rape the earth for all the profit it's worth" thing came from. It's a gift from God, and should be treated as thus.

I had the opportunity to visit the New Hope Catholic Worker farm near Dubuque yesterday, and I got to see the wonderful environmentally-friendly things they have going on there. My favorite was their composting toilet. Talk about using less water--that's wonderful. Also, one of their buildings uses gravity to move the water, instead of a pump. I think that's a great idea as well. Use your bodies to do the work we were created to do--I believe it creates a much fuller sense of quality of life as well. When we work, we feel good afterwards. It's as simple as that. We were created simply and to be simple, so why are we trying to complicate things?

Regardless, I've started collecting rainwater for the garden from the rain spouts. I also just recently obtained permission to turn one bathroom into an "environmentally-friendly" bathroom. So, I'm planning on recycling gray water to flush the toilet, using recycled toilet paper and environmentally-friendly soap, and putting in a shower head flow resistrictor, or whatever it's called. Any other ideas on what I could do? It's a slow start, but it's better than nothing.

Have a wonderful Tuesday!

Two Things Coming Down the Pipeline

2009-05-18T08:54:00.002-05:00

Hi y'all!

Happy Monday! I'm listening to Democracy Now!'s morning newscast, so this blog may be a bit disorganized and disconnected.

Speaking of being disconnected, I was totally disconnected yesterday. I was unresponsive, felt worthless, the whole shabang. The good news is, I'm much better today. Maybe it's because yesterday it was cloudy, and today the sun is sort of out. I do love the sun. Believe it or not, I also love the Son.

Anyways, I have two quick things to advertise, sorta, on this blog. It's a couple of upcoming things, neither really that are solely Catholic Worker things, but things that Catholic Workers (namely, me) will take part in.

Lately, I've really been thinking that we need to do some sort of Hispanic ministry to the Latinos that are waiting outside every Saturday morning for our vegetable giveaway at Trinity United Methodist. We start giving out food at 10 AM sharp, and generally there's 40+ families there by 9:30, and I've heard that some arrive as early as 7:45 AM. So, there's a group of people just waiting there, but I'm not really sure what to do. For the time being, I'd like to start with kids games or something like that, because there's a lot of kids waiting in line with their parents, and they've got to be super bored. I know I am, and I'm 23! Later, who knows, it could turn into an ESL class or a worship service, I'd just like to see what God leads us to do, I guess. So, if you could, just pray about it a little, and let me know if you'd be interested in helping or have any bright ideas, because I'm totally lost and intimidated, to put it lightly.

Secondly, Dan the Man and I are trying to start a ministry to serve breakfast to a group of people waiting outside of Cross Ministries, a financial assistance organization located near his house. They're open Tuesday-Friday at 9:15 AM, but I guess some families (with young children) arrive as early as 7:30 to wait at the door. This means that likely those kids didn't have breakfast, and may not get any food until later. So, he, and consequently I, have decided to serve them breakfast and see what happens. He served breakfast last Wednesday and Thursday, but I went over Friday to try and serve and there was no one in line because they were "temporarily out of funds." Suck. So, I guess this thing will depend upon their money as to whether people will be there or not.

Thirdly, even though I said there were only two things, a couple of friends of ours have started a community garden in Des Moines, and it's coming along nicely. Let me know if you want to help, because it's an "anything goes" sort of operation.

Thanks for reading! Have a wonderful Monday!

Urban Revitalization?

2009-05-17T09:20:00.003-05:00

Hi!

I had the opportunity to go on a nice walk in the neighborhood north of our house this morning. My older sister was here for my college graduation this weekend and she asked me if my neighborhood is dangerous. I told her that:

1. I wouldn't walk around alone after dark, but I likely wouldn't do that in many places.

2. People think it's dangerous, but it has that reputation from many years ago.

3. The worst I've seen or experienced (mind you I've only been living here 4 1/2 months) is catcalls in midday from guys in pick-ups driving past, and I've been asked out nearly every shift I've worked at the house. That's hardly different than a night at a bar in suburbia.

4. I get the feeling that this neighborhood is less dangerous, and more defeated. It's been shunned and passed over and forgotten so many times, it sort of feels like it has no hope. So, it's less dangerous and more hopeless.

So, this begs the question, how do we fix it? I noticed that some of the houses in the neighborhood are fixed up, have nice, cared-for lawns, and quality vehicles out front. This leads me to believe that this person cares for his/her home, and that's wonderful. That does so much good for the neighborhood.

Would it be beneficial if people from the suburbs moved here? I think it's good to have a few do that, but if a bunch of people realize that the neighborhood has cheap rent and isn't as dangerous as they thought, they'll end up kicking out all the people who need that cheap rent much more than they do.

So what are some other options? I enjoy seeing active businesses in our neighborhood. There's only a few that are still open now, and I'm not sure how well those businesses are doing, but I think that's definitely something that adds life and hope to a neighborhood. So, while I guess I always thought really low of the Business majors at my college, it looks like that degree could actually do some good for the world. It could be used to help people create their own businesses in this area to revitalize it themselves. Maybe that's the key--instead of having a whole bunch of new people move into a neighborhood and take it over, teach the people who live there to take it over themselves. Empower them.

I'll be y'all have already come to that conclusion, but this is a big step for me this early in the morning!

Civil Disobedience

2009-05-08T21:09:00.002-05:00

While we were at the Blackwater conference, I had a lot of time to think about civil disobedience. I also had a lot of time to think about it at the 100 Days Campaign. I know that someday I will "go to jail for justice" like Anne Feeney says, but before that, I sort of need to justify it to myself.

I'm super supportive of people who perform acts of civil disobedience, and I know that it's a very effective way to get your point across to the powers that be. However, I haven't quite yet made the connection between creating change and going to jail for it, and I think that's something I need to do before I "get myself a criminal record," as my dad loves to put it.

Civil disobedience isn't something I would have thought of on my own. Willingly going to jail to get your point across isn't something that made total sense to me at first. So, I think that's the reason I can't do it myself quite yet--because I need to make it my own.

No one had to tell me that I should serve the poor, that I should get to know them, or that I should live in community. No one, besides Jesus, had to tell me that I should give everything up (more about that in a later blog). However, someone right now has to tell me that, yes, civil disobedience is something that active people do.

I guess the disciples were put in jail a lot for the things they did, and Jesus was arrested as well. It gets you noticed, that's for sure. And the whole Guantánamo getting-the-names-of-the-prisoners-in-a-courtroom-instead-of-your-own makes a lot of sense to me. Also, I do enjoy people blocking the entrance of unjust places, like an I.C.E. facility, in order to prevent unjust things from happening.

I think the way I'm starting to justify it is something like this: most people are arrested for civil disobedience for something totally minor, like simple trespassing or ignoring a lawful order of a police officer. So, you getting rightfully arrested for actually breaking a minor law shows that the justice system we have does work. So, when you get arrested with some other cause in mind that is unjust in our world, you're showing the system that it is just for some things but unjust for others. Does that logic work? Maybe whatever logic makes sense to me works.

Anyways, I know it's something that I'll get into eventually. However, I just need to get rid of that disconnect between justice and getting arrested, on a case-by-case basis, probably. For the time being, me talking to my un-activist friends about the people I'm with who get arrested is good enough to start a conversation and get their opinion on what's going on in the world.

Have a wonderful weekend, y'all!

Blackwater

2009-05-07T08:08:00.002-05:00

Good morning!

Consider this new update #1. I'll have at least one more coming tomorrow or Saturday, sometime in there.

Ok, about a week ago we had a Midwest Catholic Worker Resistance Retreat, which sounds super fancy, but totally wasn't at all, and that's why I loved it. I loved it because I got a meet a bunch of other Catholic Workers from around the midwest, and they're all super awesome. I also loved it because it was what you call "networking" in the business world, but really I just wanted to get to know these people because they're like me and we share the same values and interests. I also loved it because it was a very relaxed, chill atmosphere. There were adults sleeping on a church floor and not-showering for four days, which I say epitomizes the flexibility of a Catholic Worker, and there was beer and tons of cigarettes every night, which I think also epitomizes Catholic Workers. Guess I need to develop an affinity for beer.

Anyways, we did our "resistance" against Blackwater, which you all know is a private military firm that profits off of our government, and war and violence in general. The facility in Northwest Illinois is a training site, mostly used for training of police and security forces, I believe. So, anyways, we had a big rally at their "main gate," and by "gate" I literally mean a cattle gate, which is so mid-western of them. Their front gate isn't marked by anything, so we made a nice banner with their logo that said "Foreclosed: Morally Bankrupt," to keep with the buzz words of the times, you know. So, we read our statement, presented them with the sign, and 22 people attempted to reclaim the land for peace, by trespassing.

It went really well, and I had a wonderful time experiencing it. I'll let you know my thoughts on civil disobedience in the next blog, probably, so I'll tell you then why I was just a support/driver person this time.

The bulk of this blog is going to be the things I learned from the conference we had a couple days before the action, which was a very informative time with a lot of good speakers (Jeremy Scahill, Christian Stalberg, Kathy Kelly, Ann Wright). As you know, I prefer lists, and I think that also makes it easier on you few-and-far-between readers, so you can skim through my babbling instead of struggling through it.

1. The first thing about Blackwater, and about health insurance as well that I never realized, is that private money from taxes is going into private ventures. Does that seem right to you?

2. Private military firms and defence agencies, along with health insurance companies, are some of the biggest lobbiers in Congress. So, they spend money to lobby, then profit off of war? This lobbying thing is getting out of control...so much wasted money.

3. I think it's OK if private companies contract companies like these to do nonviolent security, right? I just don't think these people should have guns. Why would you need a gun in a mall?

4. This is something that really got me: normally in warfare (which isn't good, but traditional is always better than this strange new-fangled stuff we're coming up with) a State with an army starts a war, so we have conflicts between nations. Now, however, with these private military firms, corporations with enough money can essentially have their own army, and can in essence attack other corporations and nations, thereby creating their own foreign policy. Corporations shouldn't have their own foreign policy...or be able to start wars.

5. Two shady things about Blackwater: 1. in Illinois, this training site is 30 minutes from real civilization, on a windy dirt road, marked with nothing but a cattle gate. No sign = super shady. 2. They go by a bunch of different names. This is starting to resemble the School of the Americas / WHINSEC. They go by Xe Worldwide, currently, but are also known by several other names.

6. If you want more info about Blackwater, visit http://www.blackwaterwatch.com/ or check out the Wikipedia article on Blackwater. It's pretty informative, if you trust Wikipedia.

So, anyways, those are just a few thoughts. I really think our military is going to turn the world into a bad science fiction movie gone horribly wrong. A science fiction movie where the whole world destroys itself. But, hopefully, a few good people, not people like Erik Prince (ex-CEO of Blackwater), but people like Catholic Workers, will survive and can turn the world into one that conserves resources, lives lightly, and doesn't need profits.

Almost Three Weeks Later

2009-05-04T22:58:00.002-05:00

Hi y'all!

I know it's been almost 3 weeks, but I have a really good excuse this time. I've been out of town in Stockton, Illinois, and Washington D.C. for the last week, doing Catholic Worker and activism stuff, and I came back super pumped and really excited to just be a Catholic Worker.

Ok, now it's getting sort of late, and I've had a semi-crappy day, so I think I'm just going to tell you what I learned from that crappy experience, and then leave you waiting on the edge of your seats for the next couple blogs, which are going to be awesome-er than this one.

Last night I drove to my parents house, with the intent of bringing my older sister from their house to the airport for her flight back to Washington state this morning. My mom had to work and my dad had to plant corn, so I was the designated driver, if you will. Everything was fine and dandy, until my car suddenly died halfway to Des Moines. Suck. So, I call my dad, he comes and gets my sister, and then I call AAA and they come to tow my car and I ride with them and then I take a loaner car back to Des Moines.

Ok, the thoughts that cross my head during this time period are essentially, what would I do if I didn't have the support network that I have right now? What would I have done to get my older sister to the airport if my dad wasn't available? She'd be stuck. And what would I do with my car if I didn't have AAA? I'd pay a huge amount of money to tow it. And what would I do if I didn't go to a dealer repair shop in a tiny town that offered me a loaner car? I'd be stuck in Coon Rapids, Iowa, at the exact time that I needed to be in Des Moines tutoring under-privileged 8th graders.

I guess what this experience today taught me is that I'm pretty darn lucky to have the people that I have and the blessings that I've been given. So then, that begs the question, how do you do work with the poor and still acknowledge that disparity, but not allow it to get in the way? You're privileged. You have money, you have support, you have family, you have a car, and you, at any moment in time, have the ability to get a well-paying job that would support you for the rest of your life.

Sometimes I find that being my back-of-my-mind thought: well, if worse comes to worse, I'll just get a job at Target and pay off my student loans. Sure, I can get a job at Target because I have a car and I have the knowledge of how to interact with people and promote myself to get an hourly-wage job like that. Most people who really need that job don't have those options. It sucks.

Ok, be looking in the next couple of days for a blog about Blackwater and the Witness Against Torture's 100 Days Campaign, as well as my thoughts on civil disobedience.

I Know, I Know, It's Been Over a Week

2009-04-15T09:06:00.003-05:00

Hi everybody!

I'm aware that it's been over a week since I've written. Last week I substituted three days, though, so I was really on the go. Something that I've come to realize about myself, that worries me from time to time, is that I'm much happier when busy. Like, super busy--running around, with no free time. Life wasn't meant to be lived that way, I don't think, so do I just need to learn to be happy without being super busy? This new life is all about finding out new things about myself and learning a new lifestyle, I guess. Once if simplicity is definitely something new for me.

I have five talking points, I think, and you know I love lists, so here goes:

1. I don't think I realize that, for the first time in 17 years, I'm not striving towards a definite goal (the end of the school year, graduation, end of summer). This is my life, and so I needn't really be looking forward to something, because I'm there. So, instead I need to really soak in this life as it is, and instead of really looking ahead, just look to the present and try to be the best person I can be right now.

2. I've been going on lots of walks lately, because the weather is nice, but I don't really feel like going on jogs and getting all sweaty. So, I have a lot of opportunity to pray and think about life during these times. I find myself being very friendly to everyone I meet on the street, because I try to remember that each person I meet is Jesus, and I certainly wouldn't frown at Jesus if I met Him on the street during a morning walk. However, Jesus also wouldn't get the wrong impression and think that I'm a good-looking girl who is attracted to him, as a middle-aged man, and Jesus wouldn't make me feel uncomfortable at all. So, this is what I struggle with--how do I still treat these people like Jesus, yet keep myself safe and comfortable? I don't mean comfortable in a physical sense; I mean I don't want to feel uncomfortable by feeling unsafe and like I shouldn't be doing something. Luckily I've only been in a couple of those situations, and never at my House, but I still struggle with it. I don't want to scorn the Lord, essentially.

3. Also during one such walk, I realized that I hadn't talked to anyone yet that morning, and it was about 10 AM. I grew up on a farm, as you know, and I don't think I ever had a morning like that. The thing about the city is that there's people everywhere, but no communication. Out in the country, there's not near as many people, but you talk to everyone you see. How can I be surrounded by people yet feel so alone sometimes? I wonder how many other people feel that way?

4. A friend of mine just asked me why our lives seem to be so busy, and why life hundreds of years ago wasn't so busy. I think the response to that is obvious. Hundreds of years ago, our lives were simpler because we were isolated to those people directly around us. We didn't travel hundreds of miles to avoid each other (which is what it seems like now), and we focused our lives on those we were in immediate contact with all the time. You make sure that your family and those close neighbors of yours have what they need, and others will take care of you, and still others will take care of those further from you, because if they aren't your close neighbor, they're someone elses'.

So, that's what we need now--small, close-knit communities that look after one another, share resources, and live off the land (preferably), which can support each other and be totally sustainable. And you wouldn't have as many relationships with people, but the ones you did have would be much deeper.

5. When I try to think about what really needs to happen for our world to be fixed, I immediately think "well, if everyone moved into a Catholic Worker (or other community-type living situation), everything would eventually work itself out." I think that's another way of saying that people need to get a different perspective on life and realize that this way of life right now is not sustainable. We need a different "framing story," as Brian McLaren says in his book "Everything Must Change."

So, that leads me to an uncomfortable situation--I've never been one much for talking about myself or sharing much about my life. But, unfortunately, in order to let people know that this sort of a life exists, I'll have to talk about it. I need to share with others, and I need to stress to them the importance of changing how we life.

Damn.

6. Sorry, I guess I had six things. Peter Maurin's ideas of the Catholic Worker Movement were three-fold: agricultural farms, houses of hospitality, and round-table discussions. Our Young Adult Peace and Justice group seems to have turned into a round-table discussion, which I think is totally awesome. We weren't sure what it was going to be, and this is what it is, so yay!

So, any young person who is passionate, or wants to just learn more about activism, or wants to hang out with other young people and talk about stuff, is invited to this discussion-based group, which meets on Tuesdays at 7 PM at our Berrigan House (between 7th and 8th on Indiana). Come join us!

Randomness

2009-04-07T09:12:00.003-05:00

...I think that's a word. I attended a Math Symposium at Simpson College this weekend, and the keynote talk was about creation of graphs using random numbers, or something like that. I was late, so I actually didn't get to hear it.

Anyway, this blog is going to be a random group of notes that I took during a talk that Kathy Kelly made last night about her experiences in Gaza and Iraq. I had the wonderful opportunity to meet with her and spend time with her yesterday, as she'd spent the weekend at our Catholic Worker and doing talks in the Des Moines area. She's now on her way back to Creech Airforce Base to protest the use of drones, which I just heard Robert Gates wants MORE of. Oh, yes. Don't the names Reaper and Predator just sound scary?

She had the overlying theme of her talk be "to those to whom much is given, much will be expected." We encountered this verse in our Bible study a few weeks back and took it in the spiritual sense, but I think it works just as well, if not better, in the material sense. We've been really blessed to live the way we do, and we have an obligation to make the world a better place. So, get ready for a laundry list of notes that I took during her talk, which likely have lost all meaning because they've lost all context!

1. Why don't people speak out about injustice? They don't realize it's there? They don't want to look like they're crazy? I'm just as bad as everyone else, but I'm starting to notice and realize the total inequity in our world, and it's really starting to piss me off. We need to be talking about these things--about how people can't afford their health care when they work in the health care field, about how people make just a little too much money to receive benefits from the government, and about how this ridiculous war is really screwing us over.

2. The hand of the U.S. Empire stretches much further than we think.

3. We're supplying weapons to the people that are then using them to either attack us or attack other people. We're promoting this cycle of violence, and we think more violence will solve it? She said a statistic where we've provided Israel something like $30 billion over the next 10 years for their military, but the stipulation is that they have to spend at least 70% on U.S.-made things (don't quote that stat, I may have the numbers wrong). That's a good business practice as far as the U.S. is concerned, I guess, although I think we still lost money in the deal. Why are we giving them money anyway? See #4.

4. The two biggest lobbyists in Washington are defense and some sort of pro-Israel group. Once again, don't quote that, but that's what she said last night. So, this is why we're giving them money--because they're powerful in Washington. Talk about ridiculous scare tactics. Doesn't that just make you sick? Why are we letting power and money get in the way of being morally good?

5. Why do we make our own weapons, but not our own other stuff? For example, we want really well-made bomber planes, but we don't really care if our clothing is well-made or if our fruit is produced here. Can you say 'skewed values'?

6. Why do we do this whole 'economic sanction' thing? I think it just makes countries be in worse shape, and then they dislike us even more. We think we're being moral and preventing their society from doing more human rights abuses, but really we're just worsening the situation.

7. She told a story about when she was in Iraq in 2003, right about the time of the Shock and Awe bombing, I believe. They were spending time in a school, and the U.S. Marines came to their town. The man in charge of the school asked the Marines to protect the school from the looters that were running rampant around the city, and the Marines told them they were on strict orders to guard only the...drumroll, please...Ministry of Oil. What? Not the hospital, not the school, not the church. The Ministry of Oil. Gross.

8. And, while it's true that countries have a right to defend themselves (I'm talking Israel defending itself from Hamas, here), Israel had been using a disproportionate amount of force against Hamas. 13 Israelis were killed during the 22 days of bombing in January, while 1423 Palestinians were killed. That's a human rights abuse in and of itself. Civilians really don't deserve to die, no matter what their country did.

Ok, so I'm sorry that I jumped around quite a bit. I know I was going back and forth between countries. Oh, well, I got it all in there.

Have a marvelous day!

And God Shows Me Up Again

2009-04-05T08:45:00.002-05:00

Hi all.

It would be a lie if I said that the last few days have been easy. Something about this whole no-schedule thing really gets to me, and since I haven't gotten called to substitute the past couple of days, I've had no routine to get myself in. I really like knowing when I lay down in bed what I'll be doing the next day, and when I end up having nothing to do, it's really a downer on the spirit. Believe me. Plus, it's been cold and rainy/windy the past couple of days, which is really a downer, too.

However, I finally admitted my humility and got down on my knees and prayed about it. This is always a last resort, mind you. I try to blame my sadness on the weather, on lack of sleep, on not-seeing my friends enough, on the food I've been eating, on my medicine or lack thereof, or on lack of exercise. However, none of these things were done in excess or limited amounts (is that the opposite of excess?), so I guess I had to ask God for help. Damn.

So, I finally kneeled down and prayed yesterday, and this was essentially how the conversation went: "Hey, God, I'm pretty sad right now. Why?" "Tracy, quit thinking about yourself and thinking that you're supposed to get anything out of living here. I'm not having you do this for you. You're doing this for the people around you. You're in a community. Get happiness from the people you interact with, by giving them your happiness."

Bam. And that was within the first 30 seconds of the prayer.

So, while I enjoy praying for at least 5 minutes a pop, I'd gotten my answer before my knees even started to hurt.

And God shows me up again. He always does that. He always proves me wrong and makes me realize that I know absolutely nothing about myself, who I am, or why I do things.

So, God gave me a smile that I love showing off, and He gave me the awesome opportunity to interact with lots of people yesterday and today, and I was, and am, super excited to take that opportunity. I really love meeting new people-not when I have to, but when I just get to. Not forced, you know?

On a totally unrelated topic except that it's related to God, my two best friends and I did a 5-day juice fast from Palm Sunday until Maundy Thursday last year. We'd been talking about it again, but I wasn't totally into it, and hadn't really prayed about it so I wasn't sure if it's something I should have been doing.

However, I walked downstairs to get some food for breakfast, and right there in front of my face were 4 jugs of the exact type of juice I bought last year for the fast. I think they were a donation left over from last night, but could a sign be any more clear? So, I guess I'll be fasting for the next 5 days. I hope God just clears my mind and my body of everything but Him this week, and gives me strength to get through.

I guess I really do love You, Lord.

Three Blogs for the Price of One...for Only $19.95, With a $20 Rebate.

2009-03-31T10:19:00.003-05:00

I've been on this big walking kick the last, oh, 2 days. It's awesome, though, let me tell you. It's invigorating to wake up in the morning and go for an hour-long walk. Isn't life wonderful? I feel like an old woman.

This blog is going to be pretty long, I think, and also divided into three distinct sections, because I haven't written for a while and decided to just put them all in one. So, if you get bored, I apologize. I'm too lazy to separate them.

1. I just finished "The Long Loneliness" by Dorothy Day. Here's a nice laundry list of things I noted from it (mostly I just need to get these dog-eared pages out of the way so someone else can read the book):

a. While Dorothy's in jail for some sort of direct action: "I could get away, but what of the others? I could get away, paying no penalty, because of my friends, my background, my education, my privilege. I suffered by was not part of it."

This is absolutely how I feel. I can join people in their suffering, but only so much. At any time I can just leave. Most people don't have that blessing. Is there any way to combat it, or do I just have to live with it?

b. There's one point where she talks a lot about labor, and about the right that men have to labor. I've never really thought about it, because I've never really experienced a lack of work, labor unions, or any sort of organized physical labor. She talked a lot about "work, not wages," implying that men put meaning into their lives by the work that they do, not by the monetary result of that work. People base their worth on what they do, not what they get from that work, right? Because it's having worked that's better than the meaningless money that comes from it.

c. Peter Maurin seemed to talk a lot about theoretical things that needed to be implemented into daily life. I, personally, am a big fan of the things that Peter Maurin envisioned--Catholic Worker farms where people came back to their agricultural roots and lived in community. Why work a 9-5 job for something you don't care about, when you could just work enough to make a living and survive? Who needs things in excess? I know I don't.

Anyways, somewhere else that late at night I was able to connect Peter Maurin to, that now I'm not able to make that connection, was something about the way that you live versus the way that you think. I guess this is just Christianity in general--if you really believe something, shouldn't it change the way you act? And I won't deny that faith makes a lot of people change the way they live, but do they change it enough? I know I haven't. I'm still trying to learn the best way to live lightly on this earth, taking only what I need and giving way more than I take.

2. Luke 17:10. The servants come in from the field and the master tells them to make him dinner, wait until he eats it, clean up after him, then they can eat. Servants aren't supposed to think that they deserve anything; they're servants. Right now, I think I deserve things. I think that when I work a long day, I'm allowed to be rude and inconsiderate. That I'm allowed to be tired. I'm not allowed to. I'm only doing what's required of me. Try to remember that, Tracy.

3. During my walk yesterday, I suddenly realized what I've done to myself. I've gotten involved in this movement at age 23--right out of college. I realized, with some sadness, that I'll never be able to have a nice house in the suburbs, with the white picket fence and the two-car garage. I can't go back. And it's not that I necessarily want those things, but it's just the principle of the matter, that I've removed myself from that already. I'm destined to live a life with no material things, which is very freeing, but at the same time, very un-American, and not really what I pictured my life like as a 5-year-old. I pictured myself tall, slim, with long brown hair, three beautiful kids and a tall, dark, handsome husband, working, living, travelling, driving, and consuming. I can't really do all of those things now. Some of them, sure, but not all of them.

I guess it's just pretty exciting to see what my life will end up like. God's totally in charge from here.

Two Things That Are Totally Unrelated, Except at a Level I Can't Comprehend

2009-03-27T11:39:00.002-05:00

Earlier this week we had the opportunity to do some counter-recruitment at DMACC, Des Moines Area Community College. A student there had asked us to counteract the military recruiters that were going to be there, and we gladly accepted the offer.

There ended up being the Army National Guard, as well as the Army Reserves, I believe. We had some good information from AFSC about "What you should know before joining the military," and we seemed to get about as much traffic as the recruiters did, which turned out to be very little.

However, during a slow period I went to the Reserves table and just grabbed some of their material, with hopes of reading it and seeing what they're telling students who might be recruited. One of them started talking to me, and after a snide comment from his partner, we started a nice discussion about how the war in Iraq is getting ridiculously long and unneeded. We both agreed. Done and done.

But then, later in the day, the one who'd made the comment earlier came to our table and started asking about what we do, so we told him that we subscribed to a pacifist viewpoint and that, instead of killing our enemies, we should love them. He then proceeded to throw out all of these totally ridiculous situations, such as "Well, what if you were in your house and an axe murderer came and was about ready to chop off your mom's head, wouldn't you kill him?" Such a comment is so totally out of context, chances are there were events that got you into this situation, and those events would help clarify what you should do to get out of it. But no, you shouldn't just kill him. Violence only perpetuates violence.

That was the main thing that I noticed from our hour-long discussion/argument with the recruiters. We have a fundamental difference of the idea of morality, and the idea of who is more important. We, at least I, believe that everyone is of equal importance and no one should be killed. He seemed to believe that those closest to him are more worthy of love and protection. Fundamental differences.

Speaking of fundamental differences, I had a fundamental difference with my father earlier this week as well. I told him that we were starting our weekly vigil in front of Wellmark Blue Cross Blue Shield in downtown Des Moines, every Monday from 4-5 (come on out!), to protest the making of profits by health insurance companies and their lack of actually helping the sick get healthy. I told him that a single-payer system would be better, one where the government was in control of everything and no one made a profit off of people getting sick. He told me that he'd rather just pay for his own, since he was able. I told him, "Well, what if you weren't able?" And he said that then he would be for a single-payer system. I told him that he didn't realize that he was blessed to have the privileges he does, and many people aren't as lucky. He then asked me if I were more willing to give my money to the government and let them take care of things than do it myself, and I said absolutely. It's totally fair that way. It's like the Church in Acts, except that it's the government (which raises it's own problems, I'm aware, but I'm making a point). He said, "Well, Tracy, that's the difference between socialism and capitalism. And you're a socialist and I'm a capitalist, and I'll never agree with that way of thinking."

What?! You don't care about other people? Is everyone as immovable as my father? If no one's hearts can be changed to stop thinking about themselves, are we fighting a losing battle? Maybe everyone has to just lose everything they have to realize that life is much harder on the other end, and it's a lot easier when the people with money actually care about the people without it.

Have a wonderful weekend!

A Theory of Ice Cream

2009-03-21T09:01:00.002-05:00

Hey. I had the blessing of going on an hour-long walk this morning, and it was marvelous. I found myself walking in prayer and trying to figure out the world, and here's what I came up with.

I'm pretty sure I've described already my theory that there are two societies in the world. The middle-class-and-up society that is floating on culture and their own wealth. They have cars, money in the bank, and a good time every weekend. I belong to this class, as do most of my friends. The other society is the group of people that are below this middle-class society, who rely on the things thrown away by the upper-society. They don't know where they're going to sleep the next night, where their next meal will come from, or are living paycheck-to-paycheck.

So, I was thinking, what's the biggest problem in our society? Why is everything not working out well? This isn't what God planned, by the way...at least that's what I think. Ok, so I came up with two problems. One: greed of the upper-class society. Two: poor parenting. Ok, and sometimes I feel very...republican...when I say that we need strong families, but let's be honest. I'm pretty sure the liberals don't think it's better to have everyone divorcing, they're just more OK with it. I think we can all agree that if people were better educated and they raised their children better, those children would raise their own children better and the cycle wouldn't continue the way it does now.

Ok, but about this greed thing. I find myself questioning during this economic crisis, Where is all the money going? I think instead of "trickling down," it's trickling up. Like, all of the people at the very top are pulling it from the people at the very bottom. And eventually they'll drain the lowest class, then drain the lower class, then drain the middle class, then drain the upper-middle class, and on and on. So, I was picturing this as an image, but since I'm not good at drawing, I can't draw it for you. Instead, I was trying to think of a metaphor for my thoughts, and I finally came up with one. Our economy is like a Push Pop. Remember those fruit-flavored wanna-be ice cream things? And to eat them you push up at the bottom and it comes out the top. That's it--our money is the "pop" part, the ice cream. It's being drained from the bottom and taken out of the top.

Excellent.

Ok, I think that's about all I had. Well, I think I thought of something else, but I'm not sure now what it is, so I'll let you know when I remember what it was.

On a totally different note, I'm trying this new thing of being totally intentional about everything that I do, and doing everything with meaning. No more of this running around and doing stuff without doing it well. I'm going to try and start doing things with meaning, and that meaning is directed as an act of worship towards God. We'll see how that goes.

Have a marvelous Saturday!

Ah, the Mighty Protest

2009-03-15T20:45:00.002-05:00

Tell me if this logic makes sense:

War=jobs. Jobs=people fighting in war + people making things for war + people investing money in those things.

I guess. But, don't you think it doesn't make a lot of sense to start a war just to jump-start your own economy? Talk about a way to make some unnecessary enemies.

We did a protest this weekend at the SAC Museum near Omaha, NE, because Catholic Charities of Omaha was holding their annual fundraising banquet (or some fancy to-do like that) at the SAC Museum, a place that glorifies the use of bombs and missiles in United States air attacks.

I'd been in that museum when I was much younger, but it's ridiculous to go there now and read the write-ups about the bombers that brag about how many missions the planes went on and how many bombs they dropped. Why don't we mention how awful it was for the civilians on the ground in Vietnam, North Korea, or Japan? And the sickest thing? Everywhere it said "Peace is Our Profession." Well, if that's your profession, you need to go back to school, because you suck at it. I think our definitions of peace are different. Second sickest thing? A plane nicknamed the "Peacemaker," I believe because it never actually dropped a bomb. The absence of war doesn't mean peace. Peace is the presence of justice.

Anyways, this blog is more about the protest that we did. First of all, we got many an un-Christian response to our protesting, especially for being a Catholic Charities event. And then, I got home and had several arguments with a couple of friends about why we were protesting and what we hoped to accomplish.

Today, however, my boyfriend raised a very good point. People don't get offended if someone is protesting something they're doing and they're totally convinced that what they're doing is wholly ethical and good. People get offended when someone questions what they think and challenges their beliefs in an established regime. An example: Lutheran Church of Hope in West Des Moines was protested by some radical southern church a while back for, eh, I'm not even really sure--their stance on gays, or their ordination of women, or something like that. The Hopesters didn't get offended, though. Instead, they brought breakfast for the protesters and welcomed them into their church.

On the other hand, people were offended like crazy when we protested holding the Catholic Charities fundraiser at a museum that glorifies bombs. Why do you think they got offended? Probably because they were asked to question something that they thought was OK, and they're afraid to admit that they're wrong.

Just a thought.

Robots?

2009-03-13T10:09:00.003-05:00

Last night I went to a performance of R.U.R. (Reason's Universal Robots) at the Des Moines Social Club. First of all, it's a cool place--I love the idea behind it. Secondly, when I heard what the play was about, I definitely was like, "uh, robots? Been there, done that," but I ended up going anyway, and I loved it.

Turns out this play was written in 1918 by Karel Capek, and it was what coined the term "robot." So, the broad idea behind the play, without giving away the ending in case you want to see it someday, is that there is this group of men who live on an island and are creating robots, with the intent of having them do man's menial labor tasks. The way the main character describes his vision makes me believe that he had the best intentions, and I think he truly did. He describes his goal as creating robots to do our hard labor tasks, so that we no longer have to "toil for bread," and instead can have the purpose of our lives be to increase our knowledge and deepen ourselves in literature and music. And spend our time doing what we enjoy.

When you describe it like that, it doesn't seem that bad.

(Sidebar: I guess he was also making these robots to make things more efficiently--to make more stuff with less energy input. And to make more profits. What's the point of making things more efficiently and effectively if it's stuff we don't need? And what's the point of making trillions of dollars if you don't have pleasure in your life?)

But then, cue the conflict in the play. Even while the mad genius was stating that, I was thinking to myself "huh, that sounds great, but don't you think some people will want to work, just because they want to work?"

Turns out that man needs to work in his lifetime. Man gets pleasure out of work that man enjoys, and man needs more than just bread to live. Man needs human interaction, and, the overwhelming saving grace in the play, love.

So this morning as I was looking out my window, I saw the coolest robot in action. Did you know that garbage trucks have a little lever arm that can pick up the trash can and dump it into the truck? Wow. I'm a small town girl, and we definitely didn't have anything like that in our town. Who are we kidding, we didn't even have a garbage man. We burned all of our trash.

Irregardless, should we really be using machines like this? The fact that the writer of this play was able to make something this relevant almost a hundred years ago is almost creepy. And, get this that was written in the write-up in the program: "Extremely relevant as during the Iraq invasion in 2003, there were no robotic systems on the ground. By the end of 2004--150 robots on the ground in Iraq; end of 2005--2400 robots on the ground in Iraq; end of 2008--12000 robots on the ground in Iraq (nearly two dozen varieties)." What??

Ok, now I don't believe that these robots are going to take over the world, as they did in the play (oops, sorry, I gave away the ending), but I still think this is really scary. We're making robots do the things that we don't want to do as humans, not because we're lazy, although sometimes it's for that reason, but more so because we can't do them as humans with the feelings we have. It's much easier to make an unmanned drone or robot kill an Iraqi civilian than making a human do it. It's like a video game, not real life. This is disgusting.

And it's totally true--I get a huge amount of pleasure from working with my hands, and being in relationship with other humans. Man was made to toil for bread, after the Fall of Man, of course, but I think the world would work really well naturally if each person just did that which brings him pleasure. Everyone would have enough to eat, a place to live, and work that was meaningful. Maybe we wouldn't have all those customer service jobs, but maybe we don't need them.

Health Care!

2009-03-11T09:05:00.003-05:00

Aaah!!! Our world is breaking! It's already broken! How in the world can we allow people to die who can't afford to pay their medical bills, while CEOs of non-profit companies are making millions, albeit billions, of dollars in annual salaries? What?

Ok, two examples of people that I know:

Example 1: A friend of mine suffers from an emotional disorder similar to bipolar disorder. She can't afford her medicine because it's very expensive and her crappy health insurance doesn't pay for it. She works at a non-profit job, so she also doesn't make enough money to pay for it herself.

So, since the meds she can afford are cheaper, they're less effective. So, she gets depressed much easier. Consequently, she takes more pills than she should, is taken by ambulance to the hospital where they stabilize her. Then, they ask her if she wants to check herself in, and she says no because her health insurance doesn't cover it and she can't afford to have more backed-up hospital bills than she already has.

Are you kidding me? This is a person who needs help! Some people have more health problems than others, that's just the way it is. So why does the System right now think that you should be able to take care of yourself fully, all on your own, and your "value" (based on the amount of money you make, of course) should determine how much you can get sick?

Get this: the people who are the sickest are the people who can't take care of themselves properly, or the people who raised in unhealthy environments. In both cases it's the lower-income people. One, because lower-income people tend to eat cheaper, unhealthier foods, tend to work more so they can't exercise their bodies properly, and tend to smoke more and drink more, in order to relax and take themselves from their situation, respectively. And two, lower-income people raise their children the best they can, but their living environment just can't be healthy because they weren't raised in a healthy environment, and the cycle continues.

So then, the sickest people also work the lowest-paying jobs, so they don't get health insurance, or get health insurance that doesn't cover anything and does no good. And the healthy people, the people with decent health insurance, don't use it. So, where does all the money go that companies spend for good health insurance for people who don't use it? To their insurance companies: to making higher skyscrapers and buying jets for "company" use and getting their name put on college campus buildings.

It's disgusting.

Example 2: I have another friend that has been diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. When he was diagnosed he was in his lower 20s, which means he didn't have a steady job, and definitely didn't have a job that he was going to stay in for the rest of his life (because who does at age 23? someone who probably is going to hate their job by retirement if they do it for 40 years). But now, when he tries to get a job with decent health insurance that will pay for all of his bills, he won't be able to, because no one will want to hire someone that they know they'll have to pay a lot for. He's a liability. Heaven forbid they pay for what they say they'll pay for! Goodness knows money that's supposed to be for health insurance shouldn't be used for health insurance! And I know it's not the company's fault; the health insurance industry is charging them way more than they should be charged, so the company has no choice but to try and hire a decently-healthy person.

It's disgusting.

That said, something needs to be done about this. Single-payer health care is on the table in Washington: HR 676. Look into it (I need to, too). Write about it, let others know about it. Make the government pay for what they say they'll pay for. Get rid of the huge companies and huge profits.

And, the Catholic Workers are starting a protest about this very thing in downtown Des Moines, the insurance capital of the nation (some say), in front of Wellmark Blue Cross Blue Shield, every Monday from 4-5, starting the 16th of March. Come out and support us in shutting this damn mess down.

Rest and Relaxation

2009-03-09T23:59:00.002-05:00

Is it just me, or is the whole world really busy? How did this happen? How does it happen to me? I try to be really aware of what I'm doing and of my commitment, and I think I've kept them to a minimum. All I do is live here, substitute teach a couple of days a week, work every other weekend at a homeless youth outreach center, and do a Bible study with my church for a couple of hours a week. It doesn't sound like a lot, but it still seems to be.

I want to be not-busy. There's part of me that realizes that this life, this Catholic Worker life, is about slowing down and taking life as it is. Simplicity, right? So, does that mean removing commitments from our lives, making everything that we do more intentional, and enjoying life more fully? Absolutely.

However, I know that 2/3 of our community doesn't abide by that rule. We're all running around like, as the phrase goes, chickens with our heads cut off, trying to save the world one email at a time. We don't have time to discuss theological principles in our weekly meetings, we don't have time to sit down and intentionally be a community as all six of us, instead of the individual interactions that take place every day, aside from our weekly Bible study.

I'm just as bad as the rest. I told myself that when I moved in here I'd slow down, and I did for a while. I tried to create meaning out of nothing, but it turns out I needed to find myself commitments in order to create meaning, which I don't think was the right step. Now I'm back to the point where I am begging for free time so I can dink around on the guitar.

So, which is more effective? Working ourselves to the bone, trying to get supporters and people to join us in protests and living this way, or just live a simple, slow life and see what happens and who joins of their own accord? Or maybe we have half of each. Right now it's 2/3 busy and 1/3 not busy at all, and it seems to be working well.

It's just a thought I had....are we supposed to be embodying that "simple, slow, restful," lifestyle? Did Dorothy Day live that way? Mother Teresa? Is it possible to create change only by example?

Ah, the questions that plague mankind. Well...the mankind I like. Questions that plague the rest of mankind: "How much profit can I make?"

That's for another day...

Two in One Day?!

2009-03-07T15:49:00.002-06:00

Hi.

I know, I know. None for a week then two in one day. Sorry. I guess it's all or nothing when it comes to me.

After I wrote this morning, I went to walk in the Juvenile Walk for Diabetes, or something like that, with my relatives. The event took place in the Des Moines skywalks. Now, Des Moines is pretty proud of its skywalks, and the skywalks are actually a pretty cool place, what with all the shops and companies and walking in the sky and all.

However, I couldn't help but notice how unnecessarily nice and exaggerated everything is. All glass fronts of stores, tons of insurance companies, and tall buildings that just house more and more cubicles. We weren't made to work in cubicles! And I think anyone who works in one could tell you that, because I believe it would be hard to come by a person who enjoys working in one.

Anyways, this is probably the shortest entry ever. I'm not sure where the thought process was going to go after that. I essentially just wanted you to know that I think corporations are ridiculous in what they build just so they can show off how nice their facility is. They just want to be impressive. It's people's egos and greed that are getting in the way of actually getting things done in this darn country.

K, thanks.

On a Rainy Spring Day

2009-03-07T08:54:00.003-06:00

Hi y'all.

I know it's been a while since I've posted. Which means, of course, there's going to be a bunch of unrelated points that probably relate at some philosophical level that my mind can't grasp. So, let's dig in!

1. We got to visit a Catholic Worker "farm" (4 acres, but still a farm) in southern Iowa yesterday, and it was wonderful. The fresh air, the trees, the lack of noise and pavement; that's really where I should be, where I was raised, and where I'll end up. I know it. But for now, I'm called to the city. Regardless, the idea of the Catholic Worker farm isn't really novel--it's actually just what makes the most sense of all. Maybe we should just take everyone from the city and evenly spread them out on the land, teach them how to work the land to get what they want, and then call it good. So, instead of working to pay for food and housing, work to make food and housing--cut out that middle money man. Doesn't that make sense? I really, honestly believe that the world was created to work correctly, and to not waste anything, and to provide us with enough for what we need (but not enough for what we want). So, going out there just motivated me even more to be very cognizant of what I need to live off of, what I throw away, and how I use what I have. And it really made me want to never work a "job" again, but just to work to live, by working the land. It just makes sense.

2. I have this theory. I think that there are two levels of society. There's the upper level, the level that "normal" people are on. They're riding high and dry, not really touching the ground of the "real world," even though they think they are. They live in synthetic houses, eat chemically-created food, use artificial light, artificial heating, artificial cooling, breathe artificial air, wear synthetic clothing, and, probably, have artificial feelings and experiences.

And then there's the other level, the level that's below, that's closer to the earth and the real world. The level that tries to get by every day. The level that eats the left-overs from the synthetic food. And the level that eats real vegetables out of the ground, out of Iowa ground, and eats Iowa beef, and lives in homes they've created, and wears clothing they found or fabricated on their own. The level that thinks about survival. That's the real level, and that's the level I want to be on. And that's the level where experiences are real, life is hard, but life is rich, and love is real.

3. One of our volunteers was talking a couple days ago about how our society is really messed up. Ok, we actually talk about that all the time, but he had a really good solution. Right now, what is our society directed towards? Making money, I guess. Getting stuff? Society is just really confused right now because each corporation doesn't have a goal that aligns with each other corporation, aside from each wants to make their own profit.

Let's think about if it were directed towards the two things that are most important to a society: health and education. So, people who make food would still make food, but we would need food with the goal in mind that we will use it for promoting education and health. We would just need to think about everything being used for those two purposes, and if it's not used for those purposes and doesn't somehow promote those purposes, it's unnecessary and can be gotten rid of.

I think it's a good idea, and definitely something to consider. I just need to think about it a little more and develop it more, so sorry if that was sort of confusing and scattered.

I'm going to go eat some breakfast now. And don't worry--it's going to be real. Eggs and homemade bread.

The Need for Action

2009-03-01T09:26:00.002-06:00

We did some direct action in Senator Harkin's office this Ash Wednesday. I hadn't ever done anything of that sort, but I ended up really enjoying myself and being hungry for more action.

Senator Harkin has a reputation for standing up for human rights and letting human rights violations be known, that was how he got started in the political arena, but he has been largely silent on the Gaza/Israel conflict. Actually, the day before we occupied his office, he knew we were coming and issued a pro-Israel statement stating that they have every right to defend their borders. I'm not going to contest that a country has a right to defend itself, but not at the expense of thousands of lives from the other side. I watched the YouTube video of us from Wednesday, and I think Frank said it right when he said that the truth has been bought from Harkin, to the tune of thousands of dollars of pro-Israel lobbyists a year.

It's a despicable situation, and having the opportunity to join others in solidarity with those in Gaza while we sat in the office was a wonderful thing. I wish it would have gotten more press, but just having the opportunity to tell others about what we did afterwards was a blessing in and of itself. I know that we need to spread the word about what we're doing, help to make others think, and end the lies this government has been telling us for decades.

This brings me to the crux of this entry. I've always subscribed to the type of Christianity promoted in Thessalonians 4:11, "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands." I'm much more comfortable with that than with yelling and screaming and throwing myself around.

So, that leads me to two questions:

1. Shouldn't we be doing those things that make us uncomfortable, because that's the only way we can grow? We were talking about that after the occupation, and it's something that Martin Luther King Jr. also stated in his Letter from a Birmingham jail--you need to make things uncomfortable and create tension to create change.

2. So, how can you "lead a quiet life," and still act out for peace and get yourself noticed? Because I'm fully aware that we need to do actions like this, and we need to let people who are pissed about the System know that there's people who are acting out against it. Because I can guarantee you that there are people in this city who live in the suburbs and are convinced that they're the only ones that feel that life as they know it is synthetic and unreal. We need to let them know that we're here, and we'd love it if they join us.

So, I guess I'm not sure how to reconcile those two things. If you can help me, let me know, because I'd love to be able to lead a quiet life and still get what I'm doing noticed. Maybe it will just happen on it's own? Maybe God will do it? Who knows...

And Now I'm Not as Distracted

2009-02-24T00:11:00.002-06:00

Ok, I'm not really sure what I wrote in that last blog, but I'm just going to leave it up there. Whatever. Take it with a grain of salt. After doing my personal journal-writing that I do every night, I realized a couple more things that I should have written about earlier, but totally wasn't thinking straight enough to do so.

1. I realized today, and have continued to realize it more and more every day, that I have a voice and I really should use it. I've never been a terribly outgoing person, nor have I ever thought that I was worth much. For example, I didn't have too many friends growing up, until I was 16 and had a car, and then I was convinced that my friends were my "friends" until they got old enough to get their own cars, and then they'd stop being my friends. It didn't end up that way, and consequently I never knew why they really wanted to be my friends. I still feel lucky every day that I get to spend time with the people I get to spend time with, because I know they're way cooler and better than me.

That said, I've never thought that anything I said while growing up was going to be accepted well by others. Maybe I had some bad experience in my life where I went out on a limb, gave a suggestion, and the suggestion was rejected. If so, I've blocked that experience from my mind. Regardless, it's resulted in my still not realizing that I have valid points to offer to a conversation, and that I'm a functioning adult in this society who can actually create real change--I'm no longer a student, an intern, or a student teacher. I'm a graduate, an employee, and a licensed teacher. Therefore, I need to realize that God has blessed me with talents--a smile, a calm distemper, a mind that can make connections if I work at it, organizational skills, and a keen interest in others.

So, why am I afraid to use those skills? Because I'm afraid that I'm going to get myself in charge of something I can't handle, and then it will fail and everyone will see. For example, I know that a better world is possible, where people work together and work under the established regime to create a world where everyone has what they need and only what they need. I've seen it, and I live in it, and I know it can be expanded. I'm just afraid to make it happen. I'm afraid, that's all there is to it. I'm afraid, and I'm overwhelmed. I need to talk to others who want to do it, too, and then just do it. Don't worry about wasting resources, just do it. This is my life...who cares about money? We just need to get a homeless person in every room of those huge houses that people who buy them can't afford, and the food out of restaurant dumpsters and onto the working poors' tables.

2. On a totally unrelated note, the Catholic Worker has also made me much more cognizant of my time. I've always operated under a minute-to-minute schedule, doing something in every minute of every day. Now that every minute isn't taken, I still seem to take as many hours as possible for myself, because the work that I'm in (teaching and working the drop-in hours downstairs), is a lot of social interaction, and I need my Tracy-non-social time. So, when I do have to leave my my-time and go out into the world, it's usually with just enough time to do what I need to do before my next appointment. But, living in community means there's always someone there, and there's always something going on. I haven't realized that my time isn't really my time anymore. Once my door is open, I need to be prepared to have conversations with those around me, and not get annoyed when they take up my time. It's not my time--it's the community's, and it's God's time. And building relationships is really what it's all about...and I love doing that, I just need to realize that that is my life now, not my appointments and not a time schedule. Time works on relationship-time.

It Sure is Overwhelming...

2009-02-23T19:37:00.002-06:00

Hi!

Today I went to a city-wide conference about child homelessness. The idea was, I think, to "network" agencies, as well as talk about the newest statistics and how they relate to child homelessness and children's health issues. There were a bunch of representatives from different agencies there, and it was great to get to talk to them and find out what they're struggling with as well.

During the entire discussion, though, I just couldn't stop thinking about how this entire issue is so systemic, and so overwhelming, it's almost hard to know where to start. I know that we should each just do our little part, and hopefully if everyone does a little, the issue will get better. We also need to be talking about what we do, though, and that's something I'm not as good at. I think the reason I'm not as good at "advocating" is because I've never been the type to talk about myself, nor really the type to dominate conversation, so the issues that I care about never seem to be a part of group conversations. So, I guess that's something I'll have to work on.

Ok, I think this blog is really disorganized, and I don't think I'm going to proofread before I post it, so let me get to the basis of this post. Plus, my battery is dying. I think the main problem is greed. If everyone would start doing things for altruistic reasons and stop doing things for their own profits, the world would be a much better place, agreed? Also, I wholeheartedly think that the public education system needs a huge overhaul, then we can start educating kids better and keep them from becoming homeless. In the meantime, while we're waiting for that generation to become adults, we need a system to help those who are homeless adults right now, and I think a sort of comprehensive, self-sufficient system in which each person gets individual case management would really help with re-integration into society. Just a thought. I know it's totally vague, and probably impossible, but maybe if we start it on a really small scale, it can get bigger and better and eventually take over the world! Ah ha ha.

Ok, see ya :)

I Don't Think I Realize...

2009-02-18T08:30:00.002-06:00

...how lucky I am.

Ok, I'm substitute teaching in order to pay my outstanding student loans, right? So, I do that 2 or 3 days a week, depending upon my schedule here, how much I have to do, and if I get called in in the mornings. Well, last night I just wasn't feeling up to waking up super early in the morning (ie 5:30 when they call you), so I told the automated system that I was only available in the afternoon. True, I have things I can do around here, but it's not like we're open later and I have a shift to work--I don't really have much going on today. And part of me feels bad, morally, for saying that I can't work when in all actuality I can, I just don't feel like it.

So then I start to think. I start to think, first of all, about how lucky I am that I don't have to work everyday in order to make ends meet. I'm able to conciously not-work for pay in order to deepen myself intellectually (like I wrote in my last blog--that's what I'll do today--read all day and learn about the Movement). I was born into a middle class family. My bills are limited. I have no dependents. I have a car. I'm healthy. I have an awesome support system of friends and family very close, in case I ever did need anything. I'm not without resources.

And then I start to think about the working poor, and how they have to work everyday, sometimes more than one job, just to pay for their home to be heated. They don't have the option of not-going into work. They have to go into work, work all day, come home or work another job, make food for demanding young mouths, then go to bed and do it all over again, probably for about 18 years, or until the last kid leaves the house. 18 years?! That thought is just beyond me.

And then here's what gets me: when I tell people where I live and what the Catholic Worker Movement is all about, they're either very confused and uncomfortable (which is my favorite), or they say something to the effect of "Wow. You're really doing something great for society. Good for you. I wish I were that good." And that makes ME uncomfortable. I'm just doing what God has called me to do, and what I think everyone probably has a calling to, also, underneath everything else going on in their lives. But the people who should be told that they're doing something good for society are those that work and work and work just to get by....not me who's working only a few hours a week to pay for the student loans that I'm blessed to have. We should be lifting up those around us who work hard, who don't deserve the mess that they've somehow landed in.

I'm just so damn lucky.

I Love It.

2009-02-17T15:22:00.002-06:00

My boyfriend and I are members of this fantastic Bible study at the church that we attend. It's composed of all 20- and 30-somethings, inadvertently, many of who ended up being young married couples. We're currently working our way through the New Testament, and right now we're working on Luke. Someone posed a question regarding the use of the phrase "Kingdom of God," and what it could mean in Jesus's context, as well as relating it to our time.

One thing that I've loved realizing as I've grown in my faith is how rich the Bible becomes once you learn more about the historic context of where it's coming from. Although many people think the Bible is able to stand alone, I know that you need to realize where and by whom and for whom it was written in order to understand how totally radical and counter-cultural it was at the time.

So, when this question was posed about the use of "Kingdom of God" in Luke 9:27 ("I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the kingdom of God"), we all tossed out our ideas of what in the world we thought Jesus was talking about. The first person mentioned something relating to the Transfiguration, and maybe the Kingdom of God was Moses and Elijah coming. I then stated that I thought "Kingdom of God" referred to the overthrow of the system. Someone else picked up on that right away and said, "Yeah, an overthrow of the current spiritual system. Like, Jesus conquered death."

Ok, that may all be fine and good, and I'm sure that Jesus was overthrowing the current system of spirituality; Jesus was overthrowing every system. But what I was really referring to was an overthrow of the current social system--the Roman Empire. Straight up--a counter-cultural movement that took the Roman Empire and made it crumble in a heap of Pharisees and beauracracy. And that's why some of the disciples were "not going to taste death" until they saw the Kingdom of God come, because they were going to be there when Jesus died, rose, and sent the Holy Spirit to start creating an underground movement.

That to me makes so much sense, and it's starting to become more and more apparent as I'm living here. Maybe it's just these crazy liberals that I live with (and who I love dearly and learn so much from every day), but I'm starting to buy into this whole "Jesus was a crazy liberal, too, and He wanted to overthrow the government, and implement His own system. Oh yeah, and everything the United States government has told you is a lie." And what's totally awesome is that I'm finding myself being self-motivated to start researching these things on my own. I desperately want more information about what has happened in the past, as far back as Jesus' time and what He was doing in His own context, what our country has done and who we've injured while doing it, and the history of this Movement. They all tie so nicely together--much moreso than one would think. Jesus' time very closely resembled our own, and if He wanted to overthrow the tyrannical system then, we should probably try to do the same here.

I'm finally starting to realize that educating yourself for the sake of education, and not for a good grade in school, is really worth something--it makes you deeper as a person and more passionate and knowledgeable about life in general. I feel so bad for the people in this world who don't understand that. And the more information you have about something, the better choices you make. It's just like, the more you understand people and where they're coming from, the more able you are to help them. Just make yourself an empty vase that you can fill and fill and fill with knowledge....I'm trying my best, and it's slow going, but I'm getting there.

It's Really Been Only a Week...

2009-02-13T20:45:00.002-06:00

Hi!!

So, remember how it was so nice and warm? It's 27 right now, but we just had a solid 4+ inches of snow, so driving is horrible. I cannot wait until this is all over and I can run outside. I just feel really sedentary, and I hate it. Regardless, the snow is beautiful, so that's a plus.

Anyways, here's my two thoughts that I had today, or within the past couple of days. (I've substituted three times this week, which has kept me away from the community more than I would have liked, but has also given me some much-needed income for my upcoming school bills.) :

1. I believe I wrote in one of my first entries about how it's hard for me to realize that I'm not doing this in order to put it on a resume--I'm doing it because I want to and because it's the right thing to do. This lifestyle makes so much sense in the whole scheme of our society--living lightly and following Jesus. I was thinking today as I was walking from here to my job at the Outreach Center downtown, and I was thinking about that same thing again. I initially got really nervous because, while I think I would be able to justify this sort of lifestyle right now to a big executive if I were to ever get to an interview with one, it might be hard to explain why I'm not doing more in the outside working world. But then I realized that I'm never going to be applying for a job when I'm going to have to justify this sort of lifestyle. The only sort of job I would apply for would be one that would perpetuate this lifestyle, perpetuate the Catholic Worker beliefs, and allow this experience to be valid job experience. This is what I want to be doing because this is the only thing that makes sense. This is where I feel called, and so if I ever decide to leave the Worker and try to re-enter the 9-5 working world (God forbid), it would only be in the capacity where my employers would understand the Catholic Worker as well.

So, I guess how that reassured me is that I'm not just wasting my time here. This is my job, this is my life, and this is what I'm doing with my life. Wait. Scratch that. This isn't my job, this is my career (thank you Lilly Initiative of Simpson College!).

2. I've suddenly realized how totally cool it is that we open our home to people to come in and hang out. Up until recently, I've been thinking of working hospitality shifts as working, when in reality it's just allowing people to enter our home, and then taking care of them while they're here. So, while I should still be doing things, to me, personally, that thought process just makes it much less stressful to be "working" a shift. Plus, I also love the fact that I can walk around with a blanket around my shoulders and wearing socks with sandals, because this is my house, and we're a family!

3. I know I only said two, but my third one is just a question--why wouldn't you want to be Catholic Worker??? This life is so real....

I just feel like working in the corporate world, or even in a school setting, is just so fake, so fabricated. I would like to compare working in a business setting (now, mind you, I haven't really done much of that, but I've spent enough time working in an office to know what it's like) to processed bread. Sure, it digests easy, but is it real? I don't really believe Wonder White Bread is totally real, because it doesn't allow you to get the dense, thick stuff that fills you up; just like working in an office isn't really real, because it doesn't allow you to enjoy the world and experience it.

We were meant to live together in community--to learn from one another, help one another, build relationships with one another, experience life to the fullest, and help one another do that as well.

That is all.

Where My Priorities Lie...

2009-02-08T23:20:00.002-06:00

Get prepared for a short blog entry....I have to be up in about 6 hours and have enough energy to teach 5th graders...I'm nervous!

I was supposed to go to Indianola (where I went to college) today, to meet with my academic advisor, who is a math professor, to check out the Math Modeling Competition that is going on right now, and to be "advised" by him about what my future holds. Now, while I was in college, math-related things took the highest priority. I was Miss Math, almost, being involved in everything and being apparently pretty darn good at it, as well, from what they say. Whatever. I loved it, and I knew that was the place I was supposed to be while in college.

However, today, I didn't go down to Indianola right away because I went out to lunch with a bunch of 20-somethings from church, which was fantastic. But, consequently, I missed my meeting with my advisor because he had another appointment later.

It just made me think...think about where my priorities are now in life. I chose to meet with friends, my support community, instead of going to meet my math advisor, who undoubtedly was going to try and persuade me to go to graduate school (something that isn't out of the picture entirely, but isn't likely at this precise moment). I guess my priorities have shifted? This is totally OK with me, but also sort of saddening, because I love math and I love studying it. I just don't know how it connects to the life I've chosen.

So, if anyone can tell me a way in which both of these things connect (my life of a Catholic Worker and a math researcher), throw your ideas my way.

Ok, shortest blog ever, goodnight!

It Was 56 Degrees Today!

2009-02-08T01:06:00.004-06:00

Hi!!

Hey--it was 56 degrees today! That's 56 above zero! Fan-freakin-tastic. It's true, though, that it's sort of a tease, because it's only February 8th, and it's bound to blizzard at least once more before spring is here for real, right?

Here's three observations/questions from earlier...

1. A lot of our guests are homeless or low-income men who don't work, or don't work full time. A couple of them have said to me on several occasions, "Is there anything I can do to help? I'm bored." Huh. It seems to me that we have a lot of energy that could be harnessed, because these are capable adults who, for some reason, likely get disability or SSI, and consequently have no need or ability to work. But, that doesn't mean they shouldn't be able to do something with their time. I know there's a lot of people in this world who are stressed out--let's have these people who have nothing to do help them....somehow.

2. I've always believed that God didn't create a broken world. I know He created a solution to every problem that we've created of our own accord. The world was made to work in a certain natural order--an order where everything was used, nothing was wasted, and everyone had just what they needed to survive. Let's go back to that.

3. How did the economy and the system of money we use get to be the way it did? My boyfriend and I were talking about this a couple of days ago. Maybe we just don't get economics or finance, in which case, if you do, please enlighten us. Here's my confusion--there's only so much money in the world, right? If you make more of that paper we all covet, inflation goes up, right? So, how in the world can companies try to make things more profitable? If they're making more money, doesn't that mean they've got to be taking it away from someone else? It's a limited resource, right? I have no idea. I think we should go back to a system of bartering--trading goods and services. No money.

Anyways, I got to go on a jog today outside, which was wonderful, and I had a really good opportunity to have time with just my thoughts and my surroundings. I've found that, while using my iPod to run helps time to pass, it really distracts you from the important thoughts that go on in your head. That's why, sometimes, I drive in my car in complete silence, and I like getting ready in the morning without music. It makes me be a little less awake, like, it doesn't pump me up, but it allows me to silently, subconsciously reflect.

So, as I was finishing my jog and walking back across the McDonald's parking lot and down the stairs littered with garbage and pop bottles, and I realized the beauty of the neighborhood I live in. The streets are filled with dirt and soot from the roads, dirty snow, plastic bags, and crumpled paper, many of the homes are in great disrepair, and there's always someone lurking about. But what I realized, in reality, is that while most people feel terribly uncomfortable coming to a neighborhood like this, I would feel very uncomfortable living in a suburban neighborhood right now. I tried to picture myself jogging in West Des Moines, especially around one of those blasted cul-de-sacs that I always get lost in, amongst tan homes that all look exactly the same, and I realized that I don't like that image at all. It actually makes me very uncomfortable to picture that for my life. I can't imagine myself living anywhere else--this is where I'm called to right now. This is where God's going to do something in me, and I really need to stop trying to get it out of Him. He'll let me know in due time. For the time being, I just feel blessed to be among these people, in this wonderful house, in this beautiful city.

What a Lovely Day

2009-02-06T09:37:00.002-06:00

Hi everybody!

The sun is out--it's 36 degrees and promises to be warmer. Is winter really over on February 6? Yeah right...we've probably got another good 2 blizzards and an ice storm left in us. Gross. I'll just take it day-by-day, then, and say that I'm thrilled that it's supposed to get up to 50 degrees today. A note: I'm much more willing to do things when I'm not freezing the instant I take the blankets off of my head.

So, I know it's been a couple of days. Sorry. I think I managed to get all of the things that were really plaguing me out right away, so now I just have to wait for deep thoughts to come to me, which doesn't really happen that often.

The first thing, that I thought I'd mentioned but then never actually did, is that I really have no idea what the purpose of this blog is. I'm treating it sort of like mathematical research. Most times, math people research things with no real vision of the purpose of that research. They just realize that something makes mathematical sense (as all things do), and study it and make conclusions and theories about it. Then, later, a problem arises in the world that we didn't anticipate as a society, and someone realizes that there's already a bunch of research that models it perfectly. So, maybe, someday we'll need the observations of a person like me going through this, and here it is! Who knows. Whatever.

The second thing is that I'm still thinking about this horrid 40-hour work week. I know I do less than 40 hour of work a week that you would call work "on the job," but I do way more than that, because I think that everything in my life has a purpose and I call that my work way more than me going into school. So what if you don't make money from giving people who need a clean pair of socks a pair of socks. It's still work, and it's the work I love. Plus, I often try to justify my actions by thinking about other cultures that I know, namely what I know about history, what I know about farm life, and what I know about Latino culture. Let's think about the Great American West. Do you really think they worked 40 hours a week, and ONLY 40 hours a week, or, if all their work was done, tried to find tasks to complete until they got to 40 hours? Absolutely not. They did what needed to be done, then stopped. It's the same way for my dad on the farm. Of course there's always more than 40 hours of work per week there, especially during the spring and fall, but that doesn't mean that he stopped and waits until the following week. He does what needs to be done.

I don't think he, or I in this job, could possibly log hours for the work we do, because it all sort of blends with life, and I love it that way. Isn't that how your life should be?

Ok, I guess I also have one more thing. Last night I was talking to my boyfriend about life, like we do a lot, because we're totally on the same page with a lot of things. He was talking about how, right now in life, he wouldn't be able to work a desk job, and I wholeheartedly agree. I wouldn't be able to do that because I wouldn't feel like I was doing anything with a purpose. I think that you should be able to experience the great outdoors and interact with others at your job, not just interact with your cubicle and paper. He then told me that he thought he'd make a good boss, because he'd be able to motivate those people who are in those positions, and I definitely agree with him. That's probably one reason a lot of people hate their jobs, is because they aren't passionate about the aim of the business they work for. My thought, however, is that we should strive for a society in which jobs like that don't even exist. I don't think anyone should have to work in that sort of situation, and I'm sort of wishing for the downfall of the entire corporate system right now. It would create mass chaos, and it would be awesome. So, in the given situation, I guess motivating those who have to work in those jobs is good, but I think the system we should strive for would be one without those jobs at all. A society where everyone works but no one gets paid, and everyone has what they need to live and only what they need to live. That would be the best...but good luck making anyone but Catholic Workers and a few crazy cult people believe it.

Anyways, those are the thoughts for today.

After a Hiatus...

2009-02-02T10:28:00.003-06:00

Sorry about the lack o' communication lately. My maternal grandfather just passed away. It wasn't a sudden deal, but it still was a sucky deal. I got to spend some quality time with the fam, though, which was great.

So, I got back here last night, and was suddenly overcome with a sense of "gosh, I don't want to do this AT ALL." Why? No idea, because I love it here, I really do. But, I guess, sometimes you don't want to do even that which you love to do. I guess? Maybe it's just hard for me to leave my family and come here, just like it's hard for me to leave here and go to my family.

Anyways, I essentially fell to my knees and said "Hey, God, what's the deal? Can you please fix this here? Because I'm not terribly happy right now, and I don't like it. I like being happy." And then God, in His infinite wisdom, told me to be quiet and listen to Him. As usual.

I've been struggling a lot, personally, with trying to find a purpose in life. Well...less a purpose, and more a goal. A professional goal, I guess. I've been letting the world get down on me and tell me that I have to get a 40-hour a week job and not have a social life. Stupid world. I just have to keep telling myself that Jesus didn't work a 40-hour a week job in a cubicle...His job was spending time with those who need it. A life of simplicity, of solidarity with the poor, of building relationships, connections, and sharing love. That's the life I want. Gosh...why work? I guess you could call it work, but we don't really need money, we just need love.

So, anyways, here's what I decided. Or, rather, this is what God decided for me, and I realized it feels way more comfortable and makes way more sense than anything I could come up with. I've been blessed with this awesome opportunity to live in community, to work with the poor, and to follow Jesus in a way that I think would be pleasing to Him. So, instead of trying to find meaning outside of this place, let your meaning come from within. I find myself thinking "Gosh, I wish I knew what our clients needed, because then I could get it for them." God's reply? Tracy--talk to them! Build a relationship with them and then you'll find out what they need. It's all about relationships. Dang it, God, you showed me up again. As usual.

So, that's my purpose right now--letting this place tell me what my purpose is. Totally immersing myself here, learning from those around me (community members and guests), and letting God speak to me, instead of me trying to tell Him what's up. I find myself at a loss to create new things here, because I find myself to be less creative than the average bear. So, instead of trying to create from the ground up, why don't I figure out what needs there are first, then build something to fill them. And the best way to find those needs is to talk to those who have them.

Wow. It makes so much sense, eh? God always does that to me. Shows me how really inadequate I am without Him.

=Happy Life for Me!

2009-01-29T11:56:00.002-06:00

I think I've found the key to happiness! At least, happiness in this life that I've currently set out for myself, which I am a big fan of, as a general rule. I've found that I, personally, operate much better on some type of schedule. For example, if I have a short list of things to do and all day to do them in, I likely won't get them done. However, if I have 20 things to do in 2 hours, I'll definitely get them all done, and get them done well. It's one of those working-under-pressure things. So, here's my thoughts for creating a faux-schedule here. I don't want a real schedule, or a really inflexible one, because that's just not cool. Essentially, I want to leave time for socializing, because even though the world says jobs should come before friends, I beg to differ. I think we were made to be social, not work. So, here goes....

1. I need to set up some sort of schedule, and this is what I've developed so far. I'm going to substitute teach, at the most, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. These are the days that I don't have to work at the House, so I won't have a super-busy day of people-people-people in my face all the time. On Tuesdays and Fridays, I can spend the morning doing things at the House, upkeep, publications, whatever.

Mona mentioned this earlier, because she needed to set up a schedule for herself, as well. She set up a few hours each week that she had to work on peace/justice stuff. Then, if she worked more than that, she didn't feel guilty about not working, because she'd already done her time. I need to have a set time for doing stuff here, because otherwise I'll just have the mentality "I'll do it later," and it will never get done.

So, Tuesdays and Fridays for stuff here, and then, after school on Mondays and Wednesdays I can do stuff here, too, and after school on Thursdays I'm always down at Outreach. Whoo!!

2. I determined a couple of days ago that I'll never be able to live alone. I need social interaction in the morning. When I was in high school, it was my family. In college, it was my roommates. While student-teaching is was the kids when I got to school. Here? If I'm not going to teach that day, there's rarely someone around the House to talk to, so it's just me. If I don't talk to anyone in the morning, I get super sleepy and just bored with my life. However, I've found that I sort of avoid interaction with others in the morning, but, unfortunately, I'm going to have to seek it out, not shun it off. Because even though I don't want to talk to you in the morning, talking to you makes me smile, and I love smiling.

3. A shower makes you feel a hundred-thousand times better. I can't imagine our guests, who only get to shower when we're open. I hadn't showered in 2 days and I just felt worthless. Now, this summer I didn't shower for 3-4 days at a time, but I knew I wasn't worthless because of the work I was doing. If you aren't doing a lot of stuff, you need to shower to make yourself feel clean and worthy. So, therefore, that's why I'm so happy that we offer showers, and so glad that people take advantage of them.

The end. Thanks for listening!

Random Thoughts of a Monday Night

2009-01-27T08:24:00.002-06:00

I went to bed rather early (for me) last night, with hopes that I'd get a substitute teaching call in the morning. I didn't, so here I am, writing about the thoughts that managed to keep me up until about 1 AM anyways.

1. I think a big struggle for me, here, in this life, is that it feels like I'm doing nothing, although I'm busy all the time. At college, and high school, for that matter, I was doing the following things every day....

a. 3 classes
b. working 2-4 hours
c. going to 2+ meetings
d. spending a solid amount of time with friends
e. doing 4 hours of homework
f. eating 5 times
g. sleeping 6 hours

And now, I'm not doing hardly any of that, and it's hard to grasp that, although I'm not doing a lot, I'm still doing a lot, but in a different way. It's not stuff that keeps me busy, and a life without busyness isn't in my grains, yet. I need to get a grasp that life after college, especially the Catholic Worker life, is much more slow-paced and intentional. It's hard for me, ye who always ran around doing everything before...

2. Sometimes I feel guilty that I'm not working a full-time job, and even more guilty that I don't want to, and then I feel lazy, but then I realize that part of this is trying to get away from that mentality. This is my part-time job (as far as number of hours required), but this is my life, and I need to be as intentional about this as possible. This is my life, and this should be considered my full-time job. Anything else is on the side, not the other way around.

3. It's snowing out! Which is great, but also sucky, because I'm just about the head out the door. My boyfriend has been stressed lately because of money, and it just makes me realize how much society and the system really sucks. We are capable college graduates who shouldn't be stressed out because they have $20,000 worth of college loans. We shouldn't have to worry about all these bills--we should just be able to let our creative juices flow right now, instead of waiting 20 years until we're bill-free to actually commit our lives to making positive change in the world. We should use our youth for that purpose, and pay our bills later (or never). How about a Jubilee?

4. I had one more note that I scribbled on my hand with the pen I was using about being stressed, or not being stressed, but I have no idea what that meant....So, just know that I might have written about stress levels, but I'm not sure in what context. Maybe next time...

A Few New Things...

2009-01-26T09:47:00.002-06:00

Turns out I haven't written for a while...I've been distracted, as of late. Check out #1.

The math student in me wants to make a list again. So, here's the things I need to cover in this post...

1. Being present.
2. AM culture.
3. Cold.
4. Unknown struggles.

1. I haven't been IN the community very much lately. I was gone almost all weekend, and I totally felt disconnected, and I didn't like it at all. I also felt like sort of a slacker. So, I'm here now, and I cleaned the bathroom to try and make amends to myself, and later I'm going to go over and work on some promotional materials for the Worker, ie a new brochure. I wish I were more creative, but I'll do my best.

2. So, I woke up at 9 this morning, which is not early at all. But on days when I've woken up at 6 or so, I've looked outside and just been totally amazed at the number of people I see up and around already at that hour. It's so cold out, but they're just out, walking around, going to QT and waiting for the bus to go goodness knows where. I guess when you sleep on someone's couch, you have to leave when they want you to. That totally sucks, because I love sleeping in, and I feel like it's a right sometimes, not a privilege. Anyways, I guess that really makes for a lot of time on your feet, as well.
I saw a newspaper article in the Des Moines Register on Friday, the 23rd of January, that was about some people in Nevada, or California, or somewhere, where once a week they wash the feet of the homeless. They let them soak in hot water, clip their nails, give them lotion, paint the nails (if they're women, I guess...), and just let them rest their feet. I think that's so cool.
Yesterday we had someone here cutting hair, and it was totally awesome and our guests really took advantage of that. Wouldn't it be cool if we could, once a week on Sundays, do something of that nature, and then have it cycle throughout the month? So, one Sunday is cutting hair. One is washing feet. One is...? And the other is...? I'm not sure yet, but that's just an idea that's brewing.

3. It's so freakin' cold here. I guess it's 10 degrees today, but the cold just makes me depressed and not want to do anything. It makes me not want to leave the place I'm in because I'm warm, and maybe leaving would make me cold.

4. I was talking to one of our guests a couple days ago, and doing that always gives me insights into life on the streets that never would have occurred to me. This guy came from down south, and he has no ID, so it's impossible to get him a job. So, I think to myself, just go get your ID. Turns out that everything is working against him for that. He doesn't know where to get his birth certificate, and he can't call the hospital he was born in because 1. he doesn't have a phone, 2. the hospital closed about 20 years ago. So, he'll have to pay for someone to get it. Pay who? And with what money? And how do you get there without a car? So, then, once you get your birth certificate, you'll have to go get your Social Security card, then go get a driver's license, but the driver's license station is about as far away from here as humanly possible and still being in this county, so that's a huge hassle for anyone, let alone the homeless and carless.
I don't know. I mean, I know this guy is a good guy, and I really want to help him. There's so many people that are probably in his same boat, too, and the rest of society just doesn't get it, much like I didn't get it before this, either. Maybe what needs to happen is each homeless person needs an individual case worker. Not a case worker by trade, but a friend with enough connections and things to help them get back on their feet. And it can't be a charity case, it has to be because you have a relationship with that person and honestly want to help them become contributing members of society, and will continue that relationship later.

Anyways, that's my list o' goodies today. Have a marvelous week, y'all.

Oh, the Trials of Being a Wanna-be Worker

2009-01-22T23:39:00.002-06:00

My car seems to be breaking down. I've got myself a pretty nice '01 Grand Am, and the title was just transferred to my name by my father. So, now that I own the car, it starts acting up. Of course.

So, after my car died six times during a two mile drive, four times trying to leave the parking lot of my previous stop and twice going up the alley into our back parking lot, the following thoughts went through my head:

1. HOW am I going to get to where I need to go???

2. This is going to be so freakin' expensive to fix.

3. This is a huge hassle.

4. I'm stressed. Stressed, stressed, stressed.

See, I've already taken my car into the shop for this exact same problem twice, and each time they thought they solved the problem. Suck.

Ok, after having a slight freak-out attack, I realized how very spoiled I am. I have a car. I have the ability to pay for said car. I live in downtown Des Moines, very close to anywhere I would need to go, a block from two bus stops, and didn't really have anywhere I needed to be. So why am I freaking out? I'm not really sure.

Pretty much all I realized is that I'm pretty spoiled and really just love complaining a lot. I need to simplify.

And the Real World's Vengeance Continues...

2009-01-20T10:39:00.002-06:00

Ok, so I've as much as officially turned down this long-term substitute teaching job. All of the sudden, a sense of remorse, regret, and failure has surrounded me. The economy isn't so good right now, and here I am turning a good job down? What am I thinking?

I told a friend of mine that I graduated with about the job, so hopefully she'll get it so that the kids have someone to teach them. Maybe I just like being needed, and now that I've made myself be not-needed anymore, I hate it. I just don't know.

I'm still in the mentality that any sort of job would be good right now, and a "real job" is superior to what I'm doing here at the Worker. The Real World is still in control of me, as far as that goes. I need to find worth in what I'm doing, which I totally can, but it's not the way that the world finds worth, so it's hard for me to continue to think in the Worker way, even though I wholeheartedly agree with everything the Worker believes in and everything I'm doing right now.

Anyways, I guess I just need to come to grips with the fact that I'm not a failure, and I'm not ruining my life in this way, and that being a member of the world's society isn't really what I want or what I really believe is the way that Jesus wanted us to live our lives. I do believe that Jesus wanted us to live under-the-radar, very much so counter-culturally, and I guess turning down a good job is counter-cultural, so I'm successful in that realm, at least.

So, there you go. That's what I'm dealing with right now. Who knows, I'll probably write tomorrow and say that it was the best decision I've ever made. But right now, I feel like a failure.

The "Real World" Strikes with a Vengeance

2009-01-20T00:33:00.002-06:00

I have a teaching license. I'm certified to teach math grades 5-12, as well as Spanish grades 5-12. That's all fine and dandy. I graduated with a degree in both of those things, and sort of ended up with the teaching degree as an after-thought; the frosting on the cake of a stellar degree, or so they say. Always in the back of my head I figured I would enjoy teaching and would probably like to use the degree someday, a statement which probably holds true still.

However, when a long-term substitute position opens up in 7th grade math in Ames, a solid 45-minute drive from here, I should be chomping at the bit to get the job. Everyone says that long-term subbing is the way to go to "get your foot in the door." What if I don't care if I ever enter that door? Should I care to get my foot into it? I know it would be good because it's:

1. good experience
2. good pay
3. a solid every-day job
4. they really seem to need someone, and I don't want to let them down

However, almost every ounce of my being, except for the very small parts that care about the four above things, doesn't want to do this job. Why?

1. I have obligations that I'd much rather fulfill at the Worker
2. I don't want to drive that far every day
3. I'm not too keen on doing work outside of school
4. I'm not too keen on doing that sort of work every day
5. I don't care if I get good experience in a field I may or may not want to be in (call me irresponsible, but from Day 1 when I said I was going to be a math teacher, everyone's said I'm in high demand. If I'm in high demand, why should I try to be professional? Supposedly I can get a job without it...)
6. I don't care about the pay. The only reason I'd get a full-time job would be for benefits, and I don't think I'd get them here...

So, yeah. What to do? The main reason I'm not turning it down right away is because I'd feel bad doing that. I hate disappointing people, even more than making people mad. I'd much rather have you be very angry at me than disappointed in me. However, it just doesn't feel like something I want to do at this point in my life.

My parents, specifically my dad, just don't get this way of life. He doesn't get that this "volunteer work" is my life, and instead of getting a "full-time paying job," I'd much rather do this and live without the need of getting a full-time paying job. Who cares about money? Who cares about stuff? All I need is a little food and new clothes every five years to replace the old, holey ones. And he can't seem to accept that I can do this and live here, and if I ever choose to leave, leave here and re-enter the "real world" and become a normal, functioning citizen.

So, there you have it. The Real World and it's capitalist and materialist evil eyes try to snag me, and (hopefully) I avoid their gaze.