Half-Time

I'm really good at saying "no." I'm good at saying no to things I have to do, like work, or commitments.

But I'm really bad at saying "no" when people I have relationships with want or need my time.

During my time here at the Worker, I've managed to pull myself in many opposing directions. I spend time here, I spend time working with homeless youth, I substitute teach, I tutor, I have many social relationships, and I spend time working out and enjoying my time alone.

This has successfully enabled me to avoid committing to any one thing by claiming (in my head, of course) "Well, if this were my full-time job, of course I'd be willing to do that," or "If this were my full-time gig, I'd think about it more and be more dedicated to it."

That's bullshit.

Just because I have three part-time jobs doesn't mean I shouldn't treat them all like full-time jobs. They're worthy of my attention, obviously, and I'm overly conscious how very little I keep my head "in the game" on a daily basis. I let those people who are required to be more dedicated to the job (because they're full-time...because that's all that matters) dictate what goes on and how the job is done. I let them make the decisions, and I make them do all the work.

Am I really that afraid of commitment?

If I'm able to "get by" with the littlest amount of work possible, why try any harder?

I'm pretty sure I've expressed this sentiment before. Isn't this ridiculous that I don't even learn from my own mistakes? I keep repeating them over and over again.

Get your head in the game!