It's Been a While

This is going to be a short blog, with a lot of information. I'm going to be honest, I don't really feel like writing this right now. I haven't written in quite a while, and it's not because I'm not learning things. The main thing I've learned is that I need to pay attention to what is going on around me, with my community members, society, and those I love.

Wake up! That's what Advent taught me.

And this is going to be a constant struggle.

Ok, three things:

1. I was featured in the Simpson Alumni magazine for my work here at the Worker. At the time, I'll admit, I sorta wanted to shove in a couple of people's faces the fact that I'm not a loser and that I can achieve stuff, so I agreed to the article, with hopes that they'd get jealous.

But always in the back of my head, I knew that was a shitty reason for doing something; luckily, I still had this slight hope that the article would feature more what we do and less what I do, because this place is not about me...it's an entity all it's own. The Catholic Worker community--working for peace, justice, and an ease to the pain in the world around us.

Unfortunately, the article turned out exactly like I'd wanted it to originally...all about me. Oh, well. I wish it had talked more about the awesome stuff that takes place here, but Simpson did what Simpson wanted to do. At least the title of the article was "Catholic Worker House," and not "Tracy Robson Works with the Poor," or some bs like that.

2. This was my first Christmas away from home, meaning away from my parents' home. I was planning on going home Christmas Eve, but because of bad weather I had to stay here. "Had to" makes it sound like I was forced to. To be honest, I was so glad to stay. I had a wonderful Christmas, because I was allowed the time to think about my life, get away from my family for a little while, and realize more and more who I am. Plus, my second family was here--my Catholic Worker family, and that made all the difference. I wasn't alone. I was with the people I'd most like to be with, and should be with, on that day. The people I love the most in all of Des Moines, even though I sometimes really suck at showing it.

3. I'm busy. I'm too busy. I don't complain about being busy, because I don't feel like I'm busy. However, I see how busy I am when I realize that I don't have time to do anything to the full. This blog is one example. I'm doing it half-heartedly, like an assignment that needs to be completed. What's with that?

I feel like a hummingbird--always flitting around, distracted, and constantly trying to figure out where I am and what I was doing. I can't commit to anything, except for my social life, and I piss myself off because of that.

It's not necessarily a conscious choice, let me assure you. I see a lot of people/places in a lot of need, and I know that I'm capable of fulfilling those needs. However, I can't fulfill all of them. I can't be everything to everyone. You try to do that, and I think you end up being nothing to no one.

And that's a shitty place to be. Because at the end of the night, no one needs you and everyone realizes that you're just flaky, irresponsible, and unreliable.

I know I'm not there yet, but I'm afraid of getting there if I don't focus a bit.

This is going to be a lot of work.