So, I was in West Des Moines today for a meeting. I hate going out there. It doesn't take very long, but it's quite a distance out there, and I had a meeting at the "main campus" of my church, which sort of sickens me. This church is huge...I'm not kidding. It's, like, 7000 members, or something utterly ridiculous like that. I love the mission of the church and what they do, I just don't really like how they do it, and the fact that they're a huge church waaaay out in West Des Moines, which is pretty inaccessible for a lot of people who would benefit from what they do.
Plus, people out there spend a lot of energy on serving one another. There's a guy who's in charge of food service people, who coordinate cooks and volunteers, who then serve omelettes to people on Sunday mornings before worship. There's so much work that goes into that, sometimes I question if the result is worth the effort. That's something I question a lot--I want my time spent to be well-spent, and I want to see a result for my efforts. Is that bad?
Secondly, there's so much energy spent on serving the poor and homeless population in Des Moines. Even though I don't know an effective avenue to do this, I do know that systemic change is more what we need. Can you imagine what would happen if those thousands of people focused their work on changing the things oppressing people, instead of lessening the oppression? We need to change the system, not just put a band-aid on it. I think everyone knows that...but how do we do it? It's so big. And it functions on its own. And it's scary.
Regardless, after this meeting, I realized this slight, unacknowledged feeling in my heart, way in the back. It tried to tempt me. It said "Tracy--it would be so easy to just give up your passions, give up your hardships, and just live for yourself out here. You wouldn't have to deal with other people, you wouldn't have to worry about feeling inadequate, and you could just let others dictate your job and life, and enjoy it while it lasts."
What a temptations. Sometimes I wonder if life is worth the struggle.
However, I know that a life like that would feel so empty and dead. I already know that, but doesn't the easy way just look better sometime?
I walked around the East Village today, an artsy area of local shops in Des Moines. I felt very inspired there. I like being around artsy people, but I also feel very inferior to them, because I don't feel super artsy on my own. I'd like to be brave enough and self-assured enough to do my own artwork, open my own shop, and sell it. I just have no idea what that artwork would be. And I just feel very overwhelmed in life. There's so much going on--how do you focus your attention? Too much coffee is making it hard to direct myself right now...
I'd really like to direct myself in one avenue...you know, really focus my attention. How? I need to get all the extra stuff out of the way. What's extra stuff? No idea. I don't know how I want to focus, so I don't know what to get rid of. Plus, I enjoy my life. I don't feel like it's super...effective...or meaningful, but I do enjoy it. So what's the point? How do I improve? I know I could do better. I know I could create more change than I have and than I am. I just want to do it on my own, without someone telling me how...but I'm sort of intimidated on my own. So, what do I do? I'm fighting against myself.
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