It's Been A Glorious Six Months

Welcome back. As my title says, "It's been a glorious six months." It really has. A lot has changed:

1. I'm no longer living at the Catholic Worker. However, that can't stop me from living like a Catholic Worker. I perhaps can't use the name anymore, but I've still got the love.

2. I got a(n almost) full-time job. I'm teaching Spanish at two of Des Moines' many Catholic elementary schools, St. Pius X and St. Augustin.

3. I moved to a lovely little home in Beaverdale with three friends of mine. I love the house, I love the friends, I miss the people at the Worker.

And yet, a lot stays the same:

1. I'm still involved at the Catholic Worker. When I can (sometimes force myself to) get up in time for a 7:00 am meeting, I attend one once a week at the DMCW, still helping create the type of community we've always envisioned there. I no longer get to be a part of the day-to-day operations, but my heart is still in it, and I still miss the people, community members and guests alike.

2. I'm still involved with the Catholic Church, although, like always, I'm still not Catholic.

3. I'm still dating the same person :)

4. I still don't know what I want to do with my life.What I'm doing right now is really good for me. I like the work, I love the other staff I work with, the location is great, I'm using the degree I never thought I'd use, and I'm still wishing I could use my math more than I do.

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Now, for the real purpose of this entry. As I was driving to work (which I wish I wouldn't have, because I live very, very close and it would be almost as fast to bike as to drive), I noticed this electronic bulletin board near the mall, that flashes various photos of nature scenes on it. It will go from a beautiful sunset on a lake, to a zoomed in photo of a flower, to a picture of a dog and a cat snuggling.

What?! Mind you, there's nothing wrong with these photos. But here's the thing--there's no brand name along with them. Clear Channel does have their name on the bottom of the billboard, though. Do they own the billboard, or are they trying to advertise nature to us? Or both? What's the point?

What have we come to, that we have to put pictures of nature up on billboards so we can experience it?

Why don't they put up pictures of things people seem to want? Like money, or big cars, or something like that?

You know why? That stresses people out.

Having a picture of people stuck in traffic or cajoling for some more dough would only make people more angry that their stoplight is taking forever to turn green. Nature scenes are soothing, relaxing, peaceful.

Perhaps we should just get out of the traffic and go sit in nature. Real nature.

Just an idea.

Half-Time

I'm really good at saying "no." I'm good at saying no to things I have to do, like work, or commitments.

But I'm really bad at saying "no" when people I have relationships with want or need my time.

During my time here at the Worker, I've managed to pull myself in many opposing directions. I spend time here, I spend time working with homeless youth, I substitute teach, I tutor, I have many social relationships, and I spend time working out and enjoying my time alone.

This has successfully enabled me to avoid committing to any one thing by claiming (in my head, of course) "Well, if this were my full-time job, of course I'd be willing to do that," or "If this were my full-time gig, I'd think about it more and be more dedicated to it."

That's bullshit.

Just because I have three part-time jobs doesn't mean I shouldn't treat them all like full-time jobs. They're worthy of my attention, obviously, and I'm overly conscious how very little I keep my head "in the game" on a daily basis. I let those people who are required to be more dedicated to the job (because they're full-time...because that's all that matters) dictate what goes on and how the job is done. I let them make the decisions, and I make them do all the work.

Am I really that afraid of commitment?

If I'm able to "get by" with the littlest amount of work possible, why try any harder?

I'm pretty sure I've expressed this sentiment before. Isn't this ridiculous that I don't even learn from my own mistakes? I keep repeating them over and over again.

Get your head in the game!

Save 10%

At church this week the sermon was in regards to finances. Everyone always loves the "tithe" talk, right?

This one wasn't that bad, to be honest. They really were strong in saying that if you don't feel like giving, and if your giving isn't out of love and charity and a place of joy, you shouldn't give. I'd agree with that. God wants a cheerful giver, right?

The sermon did, however, raise some questions for me. The main one was in regards to their main argument. Their main argument was that you should "Give 10%, Save 10%, and Live on 80%." They said it creates freedom. From stresses, from money troubles, from worries.

Sounds great, but is it really what we should be doing?

It's a nice way to lay out your life, but doesn't that take away the trust factor that we should all have for God? Shouldn't we be trusting Him to provide for us, and, consequently, not be hoarding away money for ourselves?

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not good at this. I have money in the bank, and it sure as hell makes me feel safe. And I'm not willing to trust God on this--not yet at least.

Plus, the people that we serve here at the Worker, are just as on-the-edge as I think the Christian should be. They don't know where their money's coming from...they just trust that it will be there, and God, or someone, will provide for them. And someone always does--sometimes it's God, and sometimes it's God through someone else, but what they need, at that moment, is always provided.

I'd say that would lead to freedom much more than saving 10%.

Community

The intentional community spirit has been flowing like crazy around here. Interpersonal tensions and differing views of what community should look like seem to monopolize our time.

We've taken a few weeks off from a lot of work outside of the Des Moines Catholic Worker, and the reasons for that are apparent. I think it's obvious that a community of people that can't create justice internally cannot possibly work towards justice externally. A divided house cannot stand...isn't that the quote?Plus, logistically, it's hard to plan any actions or events for the outside community when we can't communicate effectively inside the community.

We're trying to make sure that all voices get heard and that everyone feels respected, loved, needed, and important. It's much more difficult to do than it looks, because personality conflicts and different opinions are rampant. However, this is God's work, and this is what we're working towards.

I think. I think this is God's work. He wants us to live together in community, but I'm not yet convinced that that form of "community" isn't simply sharing our lives together, and not really getting into the nitty gritty of one another's lives.

Do you know what I mean? An example--I feel hurt because of a broken relationship with a friend outside of the community. Is that something that my community should be obligated to help me work through...well, I suppose obligated is a bad word, because, one would hope, living in community we would desire to help one another through those things, simply because we care about one another.That's the form of justice and caring I think God ordains.

The easiest type of community, for sure, is one where you just use the same space and are just roommates. I don't think we're going for that...I think we're going for something deeper here.

I'm in a small group through my church, and we're reading "Life Together" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. This is perfect timing for something like this, because it's so very relevant to my life right now. I'd just like to share with you a few quotes from it:

"Christianity means community through Jesus Christ and in Jesus Christ. No Christian community is more or less than this. Whether it be a brief, single encounter or the daily fellowship of years, Christian community is only this. We belong to one another only through and in Jesus Christ."

I'd never really thought of this place being based in Jesus. I'm not sure that it is, nor that we would consider ourselves a "Christian" community, because it's certainly not a pre-requisite to live here. However, basing ourselves in something concrete seems to be key.

I found this interesting: "A human wish dream for community will shatter it." Bonhoeffer seems to believe that a human vision for community is doomed to failure, because community based in Christ must be ordained, and to a certain extent, facilitated, by God. God has a vision for it, and until we let go of what we desire and let God turn it into what it could be, it won't be what He wants.

However, this makes me question why God gave us the brains and emotions that He did. If we aren't supposed to use our heads to create something beautiful for ourselves, why were we given them?

Last quote: "If we do not give thanks daily for the Christian fellowship in which we have been placed, even when there is no great experience, no discoverable riches, but much weakness, small faith, and difficulty; if on the contrary, we only keep complaining to God that everything is so paltry and petty, so far from what we expected, then we hinder God from letting our fellowship grow according to the measure and riches which are there for us all in Jesus Christ."

This I for sure do not do. I'm sooooo bad at praying and thanking God for the wonderful, amazing, and loving people that I'm blessed to live with every day. It's so easy to forget your blessings, and to forget that you could be living alone in a slum or a suburb, working a 9-5 dead end job and hating your life, but you were blessed enough to meet the most passionate and amazing people in Des Moines, who were willing to let you move into their humble abode in the heart of Des Moines and do the work your heart is called to.

What the hell. Isn't God amazing?

So, I'm going to try to pray about this a bit more. It's crazy, I know, but things always make more sense when I pray about them, and when I stop trying to force something and let God tell me how it is.

All I know is that this is the work of God, and this is what we're called to do, and He never said it'd be easy.

Time

Do you remember way back when, when I was a new fish at this Des Moines Catholic Worker, and I expressed my positive fear of being alone?

Well, the tables have turned quite a bit, and now I desire, I long for, that alone time. I've found myself busy from dawn until dusk, and it's not that I'm busy doing a lot of things, I'm just spending time with a lot of people--my community members, my friends outside of the house, and my boyfriend.

Living in community is wonderful, except for the sheer fact that it is impossible to have your own time. There's always someone home, which 90% of the time is a blessing, but the other 10% of the time is a curse. I've found myself almost lying to people to get my own time. I feel like I have to be rude, and I also feel sort of bad, because during those times when I'm alone, nurturing my own soul, I could be serving God's people, using the head, hands, and feet that the Lord has given me.

Dorothy Day even wrote about this in "Loaves and Fishes": "But daily, hourly, to give up our own possessions and especially to subordinate our own impulses and wishes to others--these are hard, hard things; and I don't think they ever get any easier. You can strip yourself, you can be stripped, but still you will reach out like an octopus to seek your own comfort, your untroubled time, your ease, your refreshment. It may mean books or music--the gratification of the inner sense--or it may mean food and drink, coffee and cigarettes. The one kind of giving up is no easier than the other." (p. 84)

So my question is--is it wrong to desire your own time? Jesus got time alone to pray, and taking a Sabbath is even one of the commandments. But I suppose if I'm just desiring my own time because it's less stressful, maybe that's not the best.

I did, however, have a wonderful day today. I slept in, then spent just an hour reading and writing at my boyfriend's house, while he was at work. It was great because I was alone and wouldn't be bothered. Then I was happy to come home and spend the rest of the day with my housemates, as well as attempting to be productive and writing a few back-logged blogs that I've needed to do!

Living in community is great, but it's hard at the same time. See my upcoming blog about it...

And It's Been a Year

This is a little late, but I wanted to somehow commemorate my one-year anniversary of moving into the Worker.

January 5, 2009 to January 5, 2010.

One year.

I feel as though I've grown immensely over the past year:

I've learned the value of getting to know people, of listening to people, and of learning from people.

I've learned that I don't know anything, but the people around me have wisdom, and I should listen to it.

I've learned some of the dynamics of living in community, but that this will definitely be a life-long journey.

I've improved my organizational, administrative, and work-related skills. This carries very little weight, but it's still of some value.

I'm still working on the ability to say no, and realizing the necessity of time alone, with myself and with God.

I'm still wrapping my head around "justice," and what it means to live a nonviolent, just life every day.

I've matured in my relationships with people, and have become less afraid to go deeper than surface level. This is, also, still a work in progress.

I've learned the power of prayer, and am still continuing to learn that I need to pray more. And more. And more. And not only just talk during my prayers, but spend even more time simply listening.

I've learned that I love it here, and I have been so very blessed by each and every person that I come in contact with.

The world is beautiful.

So Do You REALLY Want to Help?

I help out quite a bit with a homeless transportation ministry at my church. I go to a small satellite branch of a large, wealthy church in the suburbs. This ministry is a join operation between the two branches, and I'm the liaison on the small, city church side. While I definitely see the value in providing transportation to church for those who need it, I see it more as a thing the upper-middle class people do to make themselves feel better. I don't think the homeless should be singled out, nor do I think we should create any big deal about inviting them to our church. We shouldn't be patting ourselves on the back for this...I think it's the Kingdom in action, and it should be happening like this every day.

Regardless of these complaints, it's a good thing that we do, and I hope it is achieving some sort of good. I still sort of struggle to see what good it really is, aside from making us feel better (because, let's face it, most of these homeless folks already knew Jesus, so we aren't doing anything except for introducing them to other people who believe, which is, in itself, a valuable thing...), but that's beside the point. I was chatting on Sunday with the coordinator of the program from the large, suburban church side. She was mentioning that she hopes that a guy, who is very supportive of the homeless work they do, as well as being a big financial contributor, comes by to see what's going on. "He really has a heart for helping with this type of ministry. He's very supportive of it." So she wanted him to come and see what's happening at our church...the fellowship with the homeless, etc.

That's all fine and good, but I couldn't help but think, "Do you really want to help? You have a lot of money, and likely a lot of power. Do something different. Do something radical. Do something that creates systemic change."

Donating a lot of money is all fine and good, but if you don't change your lifestyle, are you really dedicated to that cause? Being a Christian calls for total life change, and I think it's probably very difficult to follow Jesus the way the disciples did, while still living in a tan house with a two-car garage on a cul de sac. Just a thought.

So, what frustrated me, is that this guy has a lot of ability to create much more change than he is currently. He thinks that donating thousands of dollars will help, which is does, but maybe not-earning that much money is the answer. I don't know.

All I do know is that money is not the answer.

Action is.